Sometimes the holidays come and go and you still haven't gotten everything on your wishlist. Somehow, no one noticed your specific requests for bad accents and worse puns. Well, fret no more, because we're sending off 2019 in style with the final episode of Ship Wrecked!
That's right, we've gathered together four of the nastiest characters from fiction in an effort to see if any of them are capable of finding true love. Can characters from Final Fantasy, Steven Universe, Call of Duty, and the works of Dr. Seuss navigate both the pitfalls of relationships and the challenges put forth by our capricious host? Come for the shipping, stay for the unexpected plot developments!
Additional sound effects from sydneyturner.com and from youtube.com/watch?v=U34MegCHlig.
It's that time of year once again, listeners: time for the fifth annual Cage Match! That's right, we have a collection of characters from across Nicolas Cage's filmography gathered together in the squared circle for a no-holds-barred fight to the finish. Will The Rock's Stanley Goodspeed avoid the flaming trolley car of defeat? Can Terence McDonagh of Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans put enough drugs into his system to alchemically transform himself into a winner? Can Sean Archer succeed where his Face/Off costar Castor Troy failed? And what the hell is Joe Majors from Between Worlds doing here anyway?
Are you looking for gardening guidance but can’t stand the vague, wishy-washy answers to your plant problems? Are you sick and tired of advice from people you wouldn’t trust to peel an orange, much less fertilize an orchid?
Well you're in luck, because it is I, Skeletor, here casting pods at you. If you know anything about my work, and you should, it's that I am the sworn enemy of He-Man and the rightful Master of the Universe! What you may not know is that I'm also the rightful master of gardening!
Overwatering? Underwatering? Not sure how to water your plants? NOT ON MY WATCH. Garden Plots with Skeletor is a scheme, I mean podcast, that will save your plants from your black-thumbed buffoonery and will turn you into… well, it will not turn you a Master of the Universe, but it will make you a less incompetent gardener! With my commands, your backyard will flourish, your window boxes will blossom, and you’ll finally get that cool ‘urban jungle’ look that people keep talking about.
Most importantly, you won’t disappoint me, which is something I assure you you would be wise to avoid.
Subscribe to Garden Plots with Skeletor wherever you get your podcasts. Garden Plots with Skeletor! Scheming to keep your greens… green.
In the year 2183, a discovery is made that will shake interstellar society to its core and change the face of the galaxy forever. With the fate of humanity itself hanging in the balance, what we need now more than ever... is a group of seemingly random fictional characters!
That's right, Surprise Party warps in for one last mission as we tackle the seminal sci-fi video game Mass Effect! Join us as characters from ThunderCats, Animorphs, Fire Emblem, and many other fictional properties load their M-8 Avengers, check the alignment on the Mako, and board the Normandy for a morally-charged galactic adventure! Which fictional character will Dan leave to die on Virmire? Which characters will Meganbob ship into having a steamy cutscene together? Can any of Kit's characters even use a gun? There's only one way to find out!
There's multitalented characters and then there's multitalented characters. In this match, we compare the most overqualified contestants possible for our Polymathlete Decathlon. No other podcast has the brilliance, the vision, the madness to bring together Mario of video game fame, Barbie of plastic toy fame, and Buckaroo Banzai of cult classic film fame. You'd think by episode 148 we've already reached the heights of weirdness we're capable of, but this episode proves that there's no upper limit to our insanity.
Listen as Claire dives deep into the vast back catalog of Mario media, Liz calls reality into question (more than once), and MeganBob drives a taxi for a bit. Stay strapped in for one of the most out of the box rounds of rebuttals we've ever had.
Despite all their planning and preparation, the League find themselves on the back foot as the Doom Star reaches completion. All that's left now is a last-ditch attempt to try and destroy it before the Father of Machines uses it to conquer the multiverse once and for all. Will the combined might of the Extraordinary League be enough to break Phyrexia's ultimate weapon, or will our heroes find themselves... doomed?
Stitch builds a pepperoni effigy; Luna reaches out with her feelings; Archer has one more for the road; and Mordin learns from the best.
Thanks again to Mr. Jumbo for this episode's intro music! Check out more of his works at youtube.com/jumboguitarist.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for November 2019. The original description follows:
WARNING: This episode contains massive spoilers for both Jurassic World and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom!
Happy (American) Thanksgiving, friends! If you've been interacting with us on social media or just listening to some of our recent episodes, you know that Miles has been exceptionally busy with real-life stuff lately. However, even major life changes aren't enough to stop everyone's favorite curmudgeon from sharing his thoughts about stuff, particularly stuff voted on by our Patrons! He and Claire sat down to continue the conversation teased in a recent Smash Fiction episode: what's the deal with 2015's Jurassic World?
Seriously though, what IS the deal with this movie? Is it a dumb, corporate action movie, or a SATIRE of a dumb, corporate action movie? Is there any intelligent, artistic DNA in this story, or has it been too overwhelmingly spliced with crap? And what does this film have to do with a piece of 1960s installation art? Tune in to find out, and as always, thanks for helping to support the show!
The fourth and final Smash Fiction elemental free-for-all hits like an avalanche as three terrakinetics throw down for supremacy! The dragon Deathwing looks to celebrate his previous conquests and set the stage for his next glorious victory by staging a tournament of earth-users. Three magic portals later, he has his competitors: Toph Beifong from Avatar: The Last Airbender, Alex Louis Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist, and Terra of the Teen Titans from DC Comics!
Which dirt-flinging powerhouse will win the favor of Deathwing the Destroyer? And more importantly, can Claire, Dan, and Kit survive that most earth-shattering of threats: a Liz Logan lightning round?!
You know how some movies become so widely-seen and are so influential that they become an unavoidable part of everyday life? The kinds of movies that you just HAVE to see? Well that's what we have for you in the lab today. It was inevitable, really. I mean, not only do we have characters from Ponyo, Transformers, There Will Be Blood, and The Muppets, but we also have podcaster (and lead character designer from Archer) Shannon Manor lending her talents to the episode!
You HAVE to listen to this one. Otherwise how are you going to get all the jokes about goats, future ties, and close-up magic that all the cool kids are telling?
Boy, that Parker luck really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it? When the Daily Bugle's most mediocre photographer gets sent to Gotham City to capture some images of the psychological hospital and prison known as Arkham Asylum, he ends up at ground zero for a huge breakout of superpowered psychopaths. This may not, strictly speaking, be a job for Spider-Man... but he's the only person who could possibly take on the many supervillains that are now running free through the asylum's darkened hallways. Will Spider-Man catch these criminals just like flies, or will the combined forces of Harley Quinn, the Scarecrow, Killer Croc, Bane, Poison Ivy, and the Joker have the last laugh?
We have neither the great power nor the great responsibility to tackle this issue on our own. Fortunately we managed to rope in author, podcaster, and superhero scholar Joshua Unruh to break down comics' greatest rogues' gallery! Join us as Claire employs some psychological warfare of her own, Dan tries VERY HARD to be objective, Meganbob sexualizes the asylum itself, and Miles takes a bow in his final episode as a judge!
While the rest of the League work to prepare for the final battle against Doom and his forces, Mordin takes a small group to a different world in search of the final gemstone to defeat Phyrexia. They'll soon find, however, that this is a dangerous world, that the Phyrexians are not far behind, and that, even in the remote parts of the multiverse, they can always find a familiar face.
Mordin tries on an old look; Sombra really needs to be nerfed; Titania gives out some questionable boons; Elijah Snow fights fire without fire; and Skeletor battles the fearsome branch troll.
Special thanks to both Mr. Jumbo for the intro music (youtube.com/jumboguitarist) and to Sound Makers for the special character theme halfway through the episode (youtube.com/bobthesheep22)!
Smash Fiction has always been about answering the oldest questions, and on this final episode of Smashtoberfest, we answer one of the oldest: Which Death is the best Death? It's a Death-Off, you might call it. Or maybe a Death Match. A Death Fight. A Death Conflict. A War of Deaths. A High-Tension Situation Between Deaths. A Deathybrook. I don't know, maybe there's some other, more marketable term for this kind of thing that could conceivably become popular on a platform like YouTube, but I'm sure I don't know what it is.
Anyway, when the afterlife suddenly has an opening at the position of psychopomp, four fictional Deaths arrive to apply for the job. Death from Discworld writes out his application in all caps; Death from Sandman shows up for her interview in an outfit so outlandishly gothy that only she could possibly pull it off; Death from Bill And Ted's Bogus Journey is ready to show off a wide range of gaming skills; and nobody from Afterlife Resources is quite prepared when it's time to meet Joe Black. Which Death will successfully demonstrate their skill at transitioning souls to the next life and snag the gig with the biggest scythe (not to mention some sweet benefits)?
Sharon Schneiderman returns to help us find out in an episode that, with no adult supervision in sight, rapidly descends into ridiculous chaos, never to recover. Also, Liz Logan outsources her argument, MeganBob demands softnessfaction, and Miles bullshits his last.
Welcome back to Ship Wrecked, and do we have a show for you! It's an episode of firsts: not only does Miles join the cast, but so does our special guest Spike from the Phantom Heights podcast! And of course, because it's the time of year that we call Smashtoberfest, we try our hand at an extra-spooky episode of Ship Wrecked. Will our contestants--a businessman, a madman, an arachnid princess, and the literal devil--find love with each other? Come to think of it, with Halloween right around the corner, will any of them survive the terrors to come?
And, because it's Smashtoberfest, we also make use of music from https://filmmusic.io, "The Dread" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com). License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Welcome, dear listeners, to The Last Smashtoberfest! To kick off our final month of horror-inspired content, aka "just a flimsy excuse to make Halloween jokes in silly voices," we have a pair of video game vampires at each other's throats!
When the nameless world of Dark Souls requires an undead hero to find the Kiln of the First Flame, it's clearly a job for Raziel, wielder of the Soul Reaver and longtime nemesis lover frenemy of the vampire Kain! The time-traveling savior of Nosgoth might have to take possession of a random corpse every time he gets killed by the notoriously bad-ass monsters of Dark Souls, but that's nothing when you've already arranged your own resurrection or whatever. Soul Reaver is a hell of a drug, y'all. What matters is, he's up to the task.
Unfortunately, Raziel isn't the only deathless abomination wandering these parts. Alucard, hero of Castlevania and winner of Spelling Your Dad's Name Backwards as an Act of Rebellion Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year award three years running, is also here, and also eager to prove that he can conquer Dark Souls. Which gothic vampire boi will get the job done first and make their way to the Kiln, and the narratively impressive moral quandary that lies inside?
Liz Logan breaks out her signature opening argument moves, Claire has a complicated history with Soul Reaver, and Alucard moons everybody. Plus, a brand new Smashtoberfest intro from Miles and Sharon that is simultaneously a labor of love and DEEPLY stupid. Thanks as always to Kevin MacLeod for the song we used, which is called "The Dread." Welcome to the end times!
With Doom's sinister plot drawing ever-closer to completion, the League know that they have to take any opportunity they can to strike out at the metallic despot. It's no wonder, then, that when Doom's secret time platform is discovered on the volcanic world of Mustafar, the League send five of their most dangerous members to destroy it. Will these heroes strike a telling blow against the lord of Phyrexia, or will they and their mission burn to ash?
Squirrel Girl puts her degree to work; Amethyst tries some identity theft; Brock Samson charges into danger; Godzilla points out the folly of Doom; and Dante is deeply unqualified for a leadership position.
Special thanks to both Mr. Jumbo for the intro music (youtube.com/jumboguitarist) and to Megaraptor for the final song before the credits (https://www.youtube.com/MultiPetriS)!
This podcast is contentious by nature, but if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that humans suck and animals are way cooler and more interesting in every way. At least, we all agree on that when Kit is running Surprise Party and everyone wants her to award them the most points! It's a jungle out there in Smash Metafiction, and when Claire, Liz, and Miles all find themselves in the care of a human dumpus who, while undeniably shitty, doesn't deserve to get torn apart by Shere Khan, it's up to them to gather a group of animal protectors to ensure the hopeless little bastard gets safely back to the Man Village. On a related note, smash the animated patriarchy.
But getting this kid home alive isn't the easiest thing in the world when hypnotic snakes, militaristic elephants, and pyromaniac monkey kings are all standing in your way. Which team of vaguely defined taxonomies will prove to have the Char(acter) Necessities? With our version of the Jungle Book downloaded and ready to hit your headphones, you're just the touch of a play button away from learning the answers and making all the other apes want to be like you!
Well, we asked our Patrons to vote on a list of matches that each involved four characters played by a single actor...and you voted for this one. The Tim Curry match. "Fists of Curry," some have called it. Personally, we prefer "Mad Tim: Curry Road." Mostly because of the "mad" part. This episode is rank lunacy, and you have only yourselves to blame. Don't look at us like that. You know what you did.
Of course, we did choose the specific characters, to be fair. We're the ones who decided this match should involve four extremely over-the-top Curry villains. We also decided to set the match in the context of the amazing Clue movie, also starring Tim Curry. Does the Lightning Round have something to do with Tim Curry too, you ask? Answer: yes, but only by accident. We'll explain when we get there. For now, the question is, can Pennywise the Dancing Clown from the 1990 miniseries It manage to discreetly murder all the characters from Clue using only their fears, and presumably some balloons? Will Hexxus from Ferngully poison their food and their air and clandestinely schlorp to victory? Will the Lord of Darkness from Legend get over his numerous crushes and remind everyone what they say about guys with big horns? Or will Long John Silver from Muppet Treasure Island use the power of reverse psychology to get away with the gold?
You might have brought this chaos down upon the world, but hey, we tried to make the best of it. And by "the best of it" we mean "several attempts at Tim Curry accents with varying degrees of success." Even Hub from Titan Up The Defense gave it a shot. YOU'RE WELCOME.
Time to fire up the ol' bunsen burners again, because Claire, Kit, and Miles, joined for the first time in a long time by special guest Tim Mulkerin, are back in the lab to try and somehow stitch a compelling screenplay together with randomly selected characters and story elements drawn from existing works of fiction! But this time around, the group faces possibly their toughest challenge yet. Can they make a happy Christmas movie out of stuff from A Quiet Place and The Shining, with a set of characters that includes at least one professional wrestler? Do they even need to? Where did these Japanese cat demons come from? Why are zombies? You know what, no more questions. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.
It's been many years and many iterations, but Ultron finally holds victory in his indestructible metallic grasp! So what if he had to travel to the Earth of a parallel universe to do so? He still managed to put all of that Earth's heroes in a comatose state, and that counts as a win!
Well, except for the one hero he missed, a plant elemental calling himself Swamp Thing, who now stands as the last bulwark of defense between the Earth and mechanical doom.
The stage is set for the ultimate clash between these two immortal foes and their vast armies. Can the plant-based forces of DC's verdant vegetation-based vigilante outgrow their android nemeses? Or will Marvel's creepiest construct and his waves of robots finally tear up Swamp Thing by the roots?
Hub from the fantastic podcast Titan Up the Defense joins us for this epic battle of plants vs. robots, and you should too!
While Stitch leads a rescue team and Archer tracks down a bounty hunter, Luna has a very different mission. Along with a motley group of other Leaguers, she sets out to the ruins of a Jedi temple in search of ancient secrets of the Force. The League isn't the only group with their eyes on this temple, however, and if the agents of the Empire don't get them, the Dark Side just might.
Luna knows how to ask politely; Geralt shows up a bit underdressed; Morgana reaps the whirlwind; Bowsette has to confront her past; and Tuvok may have just broken the game.
Special thanks to both Mr. Jumbo for the intro music (youtube.com/jumboguitarist) and to Thanasis Lightbridge for the final combat theme (youtube.com/thanasislightbridge)! Additional music from https://filmmusic.io - "Killers" and "Oppressive Gloom" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com). License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for August 2019. The original description follows:
So this is probably going to be the final bonus episode of Extraordinary League on this feed, and I wanted to make sure that we went out strong. I wanted to tie up the loose threads from the previous Patreon bonus episodes, but I also wanted to make sure that this session had plenty of opportunities for antics and character-based fun. And, as always, the character votes that our $5+ Patrons turned in meant that we were dealing with possibly the weirdest group of League I've ever had to deal with.
I quickly realized during play that we were dealing with something special. Each of the players came to the table with an unusual degree of enthusiasm and commitment, and approached the adventure with glee and an overwhelming desire to have fun. You'll hear plenty of moments where one or more players are incapacitated by laughter, and even after I spent many hours editing this final cut, I still find myself laughing out loud at many points. League has been a labor of love for me over these last few years, and this is definitely a high point for me. I hope you all enjoy.
It's that time again, naughty children: educational budget cut season! Under the Boris Johnson government, there's just not enough money in Britain for silly things like "schools" and "teachers" and "preparing the next generation to avert, or at least survive, the upcoming post-capitalist apocalypse." We're trying to turn a profit here, after all! Surely you wouldn't want to impinge upon our freedom! (Incidentally, there are several similar analogies to the current political climate sprinkled throughout this episode -- see if you can catch them all!)
...although it has to be said, there is one good thing to come out of this horrible public education budget. Two particular schools are up for inspection by the superintendent, and due to cost constraints, whichever school is deemed the lesser will see its headmistress sacked for incompetence. Why is this a good thing, you ask? Well, one of the headmistresses is Agatha Trunchbull, the massive Olympian and notorious child-thrower who was recently chased out of Crunchem Hall (and indeed, her home town) by the telekinetic five-year-old Matilda Wormwood. And the other is Dolores Umbridge, lately of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, from which she was removed after her gross abuses of power caused several prominent students, led by Harry Potter, to revolt against her. Both of them are absolutely horrible people with no business teaching children of any age or level of magical ability, but alas, the one that can best keep their students under control during the inspection will (somehow) keep her job at her new school. Still, one out of two ain't bad, as they say in the fictional 1980s England that exists only in my mind.
Two former Smash Fiction champions, Natasha Winters and Marissa Bond, return to help us decide which evil teacher is better at tormenting children into temporary subservience, because we're all terrible and everybody here deserves to lose. The jokes are still funny, though! Promise!
You know, here on Smash Fiction, we're pretty open and honest with our fans. But that doesn't mean there aren't still some secrets we've been keeping close to the vest. Like the fact that three of our hosts are aspiring Pokémon trainers, for example. Not something we usually advertise. But it's true! Dan, Kit, and Claire have each caught and trained six fictional monsters (I mean, characters -- though at least three or four of them are also monsters) of varying types from across the multiverse, and are about to begin their greatest adventure yet!
But between the nefarious Squirtle Squad, a mysterious Pokémon in a mech suit, and the ever-present machinations of Team Rocket, it's a dangerous world out there for our trainers and their fictional companions. Which of them will become the very best, like no one ever waaaaaaaaaaaas? You gotta catch every minute of this episode to learn the answer! Podcast listener, we choose you!
When Doc Brown and Marty McFly pick up evidence of a time traveler in 1995 Los Angeles, they take the DeLorean there hoping to find a new friend in their temporal travels. What they find is the killer liquid metal cyborg known as the T-1000... and it turns out that Marty and Doc are both on his hitlist! They manage to escape their first encounter, but the DeLorean's time circuits are damaged in the process. Can they stay one step ahead of the murderous robot until they can escape back to 1985, or are they OUTATIME?
Come for special guest advocate Rafael Medina, stay for Space Judge Liz waxing nostalgic about 90s fashion... and for a very unique shindig in the Lightning Round.
The League are actively seeking information about Doom's secret weapon, but reliable sources are few and far between. They learn that a bounty hunter in a swanky Cloud City casino may hold the secrets they're after... but there are three potential hunters and not a lot of time. Can our heroes get in close to these killers-for-hire, or will they blow their cover?
Elphaba slips into something less comfortable; Archer is Randy; Lara places a long bet; Blasto finds a new fan; and Miss Piggy cuts a rug.
Thanks again to Mr. Jumbo for the intro music used in this episode! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/jumboguitarist. Additional background ambiance taken from Sleep Sounds Express at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7lKPm75KvH73aVhJYp5WXQ?fbclid=IwAR0eX6NpG4MhixrWBMOlb76cgb258CPFUivJn7ndd9x_adHy7o1ij4PQbzQ.