Hey listeners! It looks like some of you are taking our ideas and running with them, because we came across this strange little gem buried deep in the dark web! Four friends sit down together to try and craft a movie plot using elements from other stories, and it turns out... um... well, it turns out. So join Rebecca, Neil, Michael, and Werner on a journey into a magical land of talking animals, undead horrors, and an unusually high number of car chases. Happy April first!

Our hosts welcome a guest to the lab as Claire, Dan, and Meganbob are joined by writer and YouTuber Magdalen Rose!

Magdalen proves to be a natural at crafting stories using mismatched parts, which is a good thing, as we end up with characters and plot elements from Star Trek, Clerks, and A Christmas Carol, and attempt to tie them all together using some misremembered David Bowie lyrics. How does it go? You'll have to listen to find out! And be sure to pay Magdalen Rose a visit at her channel, www.youtube.com/user/SilverScreenReviews.

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for March 2019. The original description follows:

So here’s a fun opening story…  The first thing I recorded for this song was the bass line.  I then picked up my sax to play in order to figure out what key I had played the bass line in.  Well, I actually couldn’t figure it out.  No note or scale was matching up with what I had played, it sounded terrible!  Of course, I then realized, I HADN’T TUNED MY BASS.  I turned on the tuner and lo and behold, I was 20 cents flat.  That’s enough to be its own unique note.  I had already written the entire bass line and promptly forgot how to play it.  My fix was to literally tune all my instruments to 20 cents flat!  It somehow worked and my sax was matching up.  Unfortunately, I had picked an extremely difficult key for an Eb instrument (which is what an alto sax is).  It ended up being in the key of B, which has 5 sharps for the sax.  Plus I was adding additional accidentals (other sharps and flats) to give the song a jazzy feel.  Ok, that’s enough music theory.

This was quite a challenging song to write.  I’ve played tons of jazz music in my lifetime but have actually never wrote/recorded a song.  Instruments included are alto sax, guitar, bass, drums, and my lovely voice.  This would essentially be a small combo jazz group.  Some combos have three “horns” (i.e. trumpet, sax, clarinet, etc.) so this is definitely a small one.  Jazz groups always have a bass, usually drums, and then some type of “comping” instrument (i.e. guitar or piano, one or the other, not usually both).  Guitar or piano generally provide chords for the horn to play off of but as you can hear, at some points I just followed the vocal line with the guitar, giving it almost a rock type feel.  Jazz is the progenitor of most modern music so I thought it was fitting.  Here I am talking about music theory again, sorry!

Onto the actual League content of the song, I tried to make this a string of consciousness for Dante remembering the League’s various exploits.  There really is no rhyme or reason to the song and I tried to make it seem like scattered thoughts.  Of course, the song revolves around the events that Dante thought were cool (Corolla frames) or annoying (like Lace being a better distraction than him in the fight against Cthulhu).  As I was listening to episodes, I came across a line that absolutely made me laugh: Luna asking if we were very likely or mostly likely to die.  I had to incorporate it as it could have easily been a Dante type question.  Then, there is the title…  Shout out to my friend Evan Staves for this title immediately popping up in his head and helping me get my groove started.  That made me just have to comment on the fact that yeah, I forget my swords and guns exist.  Ultimately, Dante is happy to be involved with the League and loves the new friends he has made.

-Liz

What’s the Name of That Sword Again?

Welcome to the Castle Club
Name’s Dante
Drummer, hit it

Yeah…

I’m gonna tell you about some of my friends
They’re called the League
And it’s gonna be their stories
Actually, it’s mostly gonna be about me

Feels like just yesterday, I joined the League
It’s been a fun time, with no reason or rhyme
Except I kinda lost my arm

This is the only job where I wonder
If I’m very likely or mostly likely to die
Sometimes people ask me to use my sword, but I don’t!

However…

Luckily we’ve beat a bunch of Phyrexia
I don’t really use my swords or my guns much
But I do remember the Corolla
It was a good car…frame

Once, we stopped Dracula
Because I stole his cool ass cape
And everyone else got there too late
They were still clapping at my performance at that play

Dante saves the day!  Yes I did.  Without my swords and guns people
But y’all are pretty cool too, anyways…

Think about all the cool things that we’ve done
Except I got upstaged by a dino driving on the run
At least we beat Cthulhu

Then one time we got famous for playing rock without a clue
And too bad our only reward was a green slime Stitch fu Manchu

So thank you friends for the good and bad
Your double taps and your portal guns, take me to my favorite danger zone

Is he bothering you over there?  No?  Ok great.

Ever wonder what makes the Neverending Story so, well, never-ending? Well, it's largely because certain events just sort of keep happening over and over again, which explains why the unstoppable annihilating force called The Nothing has returned to creep across the land of Fantasia, erasing all in its path.

Last time, a brave hero was given a horse to go rescue the Childlike Empress and save the land from destruction, but that horse didn't make it very far into the quest before it was lost and the hero had to go the rest of the way on foot. This time, the allies of the Empress are leaving nothing to chance, assigning four brave young warriors the task of saving their world... and giving them each a singularly amazing horse to see them through.

But which horse will carry their rider to victory? Can Claire lead Agro to the glowing weak points in her opponents' arguments? Will Dan's increasingly specious claims about Shadowfax's running speed leave his rivals in the dust? Can guest advocate Rafael Medina's assertions prove as invincible as Epona herself? And will Meganbob ever get around to actually arguing for Maximus amidst her pitch for her bold new series, Horse Cop?

All this, plus the return of Kit's recurring fun animal facts segments! Which reminds me, extra-special thanks to Kevin McLeod of www.incompetech.com for the use of his songs "Hamster March" and "Loping Sting." Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License. http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. If that's true, then you must be dying for more of the multiverse's wildest dating game! Fear not, dear listener, for this week we bring you all the bad accents and worse puns you could hope for! Join us as characters from Assassin's Creed, Mass Effect, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and 1960s sci-fi explore the stormy seas of romance in search of their other half.

Will any of them find love? Are our favorite characters doomed to loneliness? And what amazing twist ending awaits at the episode's--ahem--climax?

Judge Miles invites us all in to take a seat and tune in to the championship of High Fantasy TV Show Character Mania! Open up the chips and pass the guacamole because it's a triple-threat match of sword ladies!

From the land of historical inaccuracy and 90's special effects comes Xena, a mighty warrior princess forged in the heat of battle. Will her courage change the world, as the opening narration of the TV show promised?  Hailing from the land of awesome remakes that fill our hearts with joy is She-Ra. Can she focus on the match, or will her mind be on failed friendships? Joining them is Dragon Age badass and recent crossover from High Fantasy Video Game Character Wrestling, Cassandra Pentaghast. Is she truly as metal as her amazing name? 

In this match blows will be thrown, swords will be swung, and arguments will be had. Listen as Kit weaponizes the power of eyebrows, MeganBob is proud of teenagers, and Claire makes her strongest case against godhood yet. 

Their quests completed, our heroes are keenly interested in getting the hell back to Grayskull... but it turns out that Phyrexia isn't especially interested in allowing them to leave. Can the Extraordinary League stand against the combined forces of the Father of Machines, or has their luck finally run out?

Dante gets crafty; Luna leaves an opponent tongue-tied; Stitch goes for a wild ride; Mordin sciences harder than ever; and Nico moves a mountain.

Additional music this episode from OminousVoice, based on themes written by Shuki Levy and Haim Saban. Check out more of their work at www.youtube.com/user/OminousVoice.

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for February 2019. The original description follows:

Man oh man, I never know what sort of team we'll end up with when we do these bonus episodes, but the $5+ Patrons never fail to make some really interesting choices.

As usual, I didn't decide on the central concept of this episode until I saw what characters everyone was going to be playing. In this case, I wanted to give our stealth- and social-centric characters plenty of opportunities to be sneaky and manipulative, so I came up with a scenario that would lead them away from taking a forceful and direct route, at least at first.

Most of the PCs were pretty straightforward to design. The ones that gave me issues were Austin Powers and Esmé Squalor.

In the case of Austin Powers, I felt like it was important to give him abilities beyond just being a James Bond clone--I eventually came up with the Mojo mechanic, which allowed him to weaponize his catchphrase.

In the case of Esmé, both Claire and I wanted to make sure that she could at least handle herself in combat. Claire eventually came up with the idea of giving her a clothing-based weapon from another setting--we tossed a number of ideas back and forth before settling on the Dresspheres from Final Fantasy X-2. It felt very appropriate to essentially tie her combat abilities to being able to change clothes rapidly.

This was a fun episode to record and I hope it's a fun episode to listen to!

-Dan

Howdy, stranger. Come on in from the cold, warm yourself up next to the fire. There's bad food, good whiskey, and a decent enough bed, if you're wanting a place to stay. Only take care, now -- you ain't from 'round here, so could be you can't smell it, but there's an ill wind a-blowing 'round these parts tonight, and the scent of gunpowder is in the air.

I'm afraid you don't have the motel to yourself tonight, friend. One of our guests is a gunslinger named Susannah Dean, and when she's not questing for the Dark Tower, she's dipping what's left of her legs into the multidimensional arms trade. That there's a powerful risky business, which is how you get Tulip O'Hare sent after you. She was hell on wheels before she got caught up with some preacher and ended up face-to-face with God Almighty, and now she's coming here to collect the bounty on Susannah's head. Either one of these ladies could kick your ass with both hands tied behind her back, only it wouldn't matter because you'd already have a bullet in your head, anyways. But which one's a-gonna win? That right there is a powerful difficult question. So settle in, let me get you some of that whiskey. It's gonna be an interesting night.

Also, Krista Contino Saumby of the Unspoiled! Podcast Network officially joins the Smash Fiction ka-tet, Matias Tautimez returns  (he didn't know how he knew it was time for another Dark Tower match -- he just knew), and Dan and Miles make the Sundowner fight look straightforward and neighborly by comparison.

It's Valentine's Day weekend, so of course we're bringing you the Smash Metafiction episode that lends itself best to this particular holiday...

...Surprise Party?

Oh, but you haven't experienced Surprise Party like this. Instead of retelling just one story, Claire, Liz, and MeganBob will choose characters to descend into five of fiction's greatest romances in an effort to maintain the power of love throughout the multiverse! From Nicolas Cage to William Shakespeare, no love story is beyond the reach of C.U.P.I.D.! And, yes, if you listen to this episode, you will learn what that acronym stands for. You're welcome.

Also, Claire invents infiltration by way of group therapy, Liz swerves Dan so hard you can almost hear his brain faceplanting, and MeganBob's passionate romantic storytelling breaks all of our hearts at the same time.

The ongoing SmashFic series of four-way elemental battles rages on, and this week, it's...THE LIGHTNING MATCH! Cue cheap thunder sound effects, insincere cries of terror, and a giant load of bullshit. But you already knew that.

Thanks to a vague and bizarre second-person narrative, four of the most electric characters in fictional entertainment have been imprisoned in something called the Thunderdome, and must now layeth the smacketh down on each other's candy asses until one of them drops that last elbow and gets free. Will Storm, mutant weather goddess of the X-Men, raise a triumphant eyebrow in victory? Will actual literal lightning god Raiden finally come back to Earthrealm as the winner of this new form of Mortal Kombat? Will Pikachu's millions (and millions) and millions of fans somehow be enough to drive this strange yellow rat thing to the top? Or will he and the other two competitors hit rock bottom, fatally letting their guard down after they smell what Sailor Jupiter is cooking?

Also, Miles really doesn't understand Pokemon types, Claire struggles to explain how anything in Sailor Moon actually works, and as always, comics are fucking stupid.

The number of people who would willingly get into a direct fight with Godzilla can probably be counted on one hand... and they all happen to be in the Extraordinary League. Our heroes have gotten it into their heads that they can free the King of the Monsters from Phyrexian control, but doing so puts their very lives on the line, and some of them may not be coming out of this in one piece.

Nico tries out some new talents; Stitch has to dig deep; Luna plays healer; Dante hits his breaking point; and Mordin may never be the same.

When the ongoing Astro-Kerfuffle brings two groups of opposing forces, one from the USS Enterprise, one from their assigned Star Destroyer, each comprising fifty members, into combat on the decks of the NSEA Protector...

You know what, no. The editor is protesting the continued existence of the Astro-Kerfuffle by refusing to write the normal style of description. I tried to kill this stupid thing more than a year ago, but the rest of you just won't let it go. I can't tell you how upset this makes me. Do you see what you've done? You've made me write this in first person! I never write episode descriptions in first person! Now I have to go weirdly meta with the whole thing, and it's all your fault!

Anyway.

When the Patrons of Smash Fiction demand a battle between history's most iconic space dumpuses, the hosts of Smash Fiction oblige. Not only do two of them argue that the red-shirted crew members of Star Trek's original series would survive in this match -- they argue that redshirts being especially death-prone is a full-blown myth, not supported by the text of the show! Not only do the other two argue that the Stormtroopers of Star Wars' original trilogy would survive in this match -- they argue that Stormtroopers being terrible at shooting is a full-blown myth, not supported by the text of the films! And thus did an entire sector of space become choked by the fog of shameless lies.

In this contest between those who can't kill and those who can't help but be killed, which team will have their accuracy praised by Obi-Wan Kenobi? Which team will be solemnly pronounced dead (Jim) by Dr. McCoy? And more importantly, which team will win the Lightning Round, and perhaps, if they're lucky, make the cover of OSQ?

It's time once again for Collaboratory, where four Smash Fic hosts attempt to cobble together a semi-coherent film using random characters and story elements!

This week, Claire is joined by Dan, Kit, and Liz, who have the unenviable task of attempting to craft a tale around a little girl, a cat, a dragon, and a serial killer, all while using elements from stories like Chronicles of Riddick, Jingle All the Way, and 1984. The hosts end up with a pile of really incongruous stuff, and end up making... something that actually kind of works? Listen and judge for yourself!

The Steve-ness is at an all-time high as Captain America (Steve Rogers) goes up against Steven Universe in one of the most wholesome matches Smash Fiction has ever done. These two Steves have each been tasked with training a group of upstart Power Rangers in the ways of teamwork and Steve-itude. In this match where normally you would find shouting, instead there are admiring sighs. Where normally there would be epithets, instead there are declarations of affection. Where normally you would find character with different names, you will find Steves. 

Which shield-wielding Steve will save the day? Miles and MeganBob argue that age, experience, and beardliness are Steve Rogers' keys to victory. Claire and special guest Sharon Schneiderman argue that Steven Universe always finds a way. Dan presents the most Steve-ful Lightning Round yet! Listen in and unleash your inner Steve. 

This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2018. The original description follows:

Those of you $5+ patrons who get our monthly bonus content poll must have been surprised when Miles gave you a list of media he liked... and one of them was a video game! That's right, Miles is (briefly) putting aside his role as everyone's favorite curmudgeon to gush about the 2004 computer role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines. He's joined by Dan, who has played the game, and Kit, who has not, and the three hosts have fun chatting about the video game, the tabletop RPG, and the wonderful, terrible World of Darkness as a whole.

There are some light spoilers for Bloodlines in this episode, but if you're interested in playing the game, our discussion should hopefully only whet your appetite for a genuinely great, if not perfect, cult classic of a game. Let us know what you think!

Now that they've gathered the information they need, the League sets their sights on their newest target: the Praetor known as Godzilla. Our heroes are hoping to find him, cure him, and turn him, but that is all easier said than done, as they'll have to traverse a vast and nightmarish forest, deal with shadowy monsters, and unlock a strange power that's been hiding in them all along...

Luna makes yet another new friend; Dante leaps to the rescue; Stitch becomes a meteor; Nico shows off her new skills; and Mordin dives into the belly of the beast.

Thanks again to Family Jules for both of the battle songs used in this episode! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/user/FamilyJules7X