When the Polynesian trickster god Maui steals the golden apples of the Hesperides and the mighty Olympian demigod known as Hercules is sent to get them back, there's only one way to figure out who would win in a fight. And when you're doing a Smash Fiction match between Disney characters, there's only one guest host to call in: Kris Newton of Gameable and MegaDumbCast! Unfortunately, Kris' attempts at thinking are immediately lost in a sea of yelling, as arguments over animated films about the power of love and friendship become possibly more heated than they ever have before!
Also, Claire dives deep into the realm of cartoon physics (which is to be expected), MeganBob joins in on the raised voices and name-calling (which is most assuredly not to be expected) and Dan unwitting unleashes horrors the human mind was not meant to consider in the Lightning Round!
Ship Wrecked is back for a second date, and if you thought dinner was fun, wait till you hear about romantic thrift store shopping! The latest edition of Smash Metafiction's spectacular speed dating game features different characters, new locations, and of course, more wrinkles, as we attempt to find a fictional couple deserving of the title of OTP! Is there a chance these ships are seaworthy, or is the love between, say, 1000-year-old supernatural monsters and shape-changing teenage alien warriors forever destined to fail?
Also, Claire continues her relentlessly punny ways, Kit brings a knife to a smooch fight, two contestants decide to get it on immediately, and Liz Logan completely reinvents an iconic comic book character by virtue of knowing almost nothing about them.
It’s rare to get a do-over when your world is destroyed, but the alternate-dimension bending and timeline restoration powers of the Chrono Cross promise just that. Serge is ready to pass on his timeline white-out device and three Final Fantasy heroines with post-apocalyptic homes will do whatever it takes to get their hands on it. Terra Branford of Final Fantasy VI, Tifa Lockhart of Final Fantasy VII, and Lightning of Final Fantasy XIII fight it out in the Temporal Vortex using all the magic and combat skills in their respective arsenals.
Claire schools everyone on the power of Espers; Dan fondly recalls the time Tifa made pseudo-Sephiroth cry; MeganBob bashes fictional horses, and Judge Miles takes the advocates on a field trip to bizarre and familiar place in the Lightning round.
There was an idea (Smash Fiction listeners know this) called the Surprise Party Initiative. The idea was to bring together a group of remarkably nerdy idiots who could take the casts of popular stories and replace them with fictional characters from other stories, then compete with each other to see whose party would be the best one at completing the original story. It's a pretty stupid notion, but what the hell, we've done it twice before, might as well do it again!
As you may have guessed, this time around, the SmashFic hosts are making their own teams of Avengers to fight off Loki and the invading Chitauri! With Dan as both their guide and their judge, they draft a set of heroes, compete in challenges from the film, and try to score the most points on the path that leads, inevitably, toward schwarma.
Kit and Claire maintain their personal brands by picking exactly the characters you'd expect them to pick, Liz Logan uses her Surprise Party debut to provide one of the most heartbreaking moments in the history of storytelling, and Dan ends the contest with a final, massive twist that drives everybody in the world insane. Probably.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for June 2018. The original description follows:
Miles' June bonus content is a little late, but better late than never! Unless you happen to be Claire Mulkerin, of course. In that case, you would have chosen the "never" option in a heartbeat if it meant never, ever having to re-watch Zack Snyder's much-maligned 2011 film, Sucker Punch. Unfortunately for Claire, Miles really likes Sucker Punch, and now they have to TALK ABOUT IT.
What is Sucker Punch, anyway? What does it mean? Why can't Claire see past the violence, the implied violence, the lack of characterization, the inconsistent acting, the dubiously-constructed dialogue, and the shoddy action sequences to whatever the hell it is that Miles sees beneath, and finds fascinating? Fortunately, you support our work with your hard-earned money, so you get to find out!
How's that for a sucker punch?
The real villain behind the chaos in the Mushroom Kingdom has been revealed and the League have their sights set on his fortress. With no other path before them, the heroes are forced to gather allies, resources... and some sweet wheels.
Nico tries to start a book club; Stitch does hard time; Vivian should maybe consider wearing a bell; Luna makes some ill-advised promises; and Dante says goodbye.
When Chip Hazard and the Commando Elite activate their AI circuits and enter the magical nightmare world of Toy Story, it quickly becomes clear that Andy's house isn't big enough for both sets of dolls action figures. With the family away on vacation, Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and the rest of Andy's toys are forced to defend themselves against the assault of the besieging Small Soldiers. Will their strategy, physical prowess, and tendency toward accepting the inevitability of death and despair lead them to victory? Or will Chip, Brick, and the rest of the Elite do to their opponents what they once completely failed to do to the Gorgonites?
Sam Gasch of the Ideal Remake podcast enters the Smash Fiction arena for the first time, MeganBob insists that toys can run at supersonic speed, Claire comes up with a cohesive theory for the integration of these two movies into the same fictional universe, and as always, Toy Story breaks everybody's brain until they don't really want to live anymore. Enjoy!
Join us in the lab this week as, once again, Claire guides three Smash Fiction hosts through the collaborative storytelling game called Collaboratory!
This time around, we put together a most unusual heist crew consisting of characters from comics, video games, and Shakespeare, and send them into a dungeon in search of treasure and glory. Can our heroes survive monsters, death traps, and sudden but inevitable betrayal? Will any of our characters find love in this hopeless place? And just how many Sean Beans are too many Sean Beans?
Amidst the increasingly chaotic backdrop of the multiversal Astro-Kerfuffle, two unthinkably powerful entities become aware of each other... and recognize each other as threats. The genetically-engineered psychic Pokémon powerhouse called Mewtwo makes his way to Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, and neither is going to leave until the other lies broken and defeated.
Can Vader pull out a win despite the fact that he can neither fly nor control the weather? Can Mewtwo survive Vader's lightsaber prowess? Will Dan and guest advocate Neal Butler be able to coordinate their themed outfits? Can Claire's knowledge of filing cabinets help to drive her point home? Will Kit be able to focus on the match without thinking about how overwhelmingly adorable Mew is?
And if you're disappointed that this episode only includes two supervillains, just wait for judge Meganbob to drop the Lightning Round...
The League has fought their way through armies of Koopas and robots, but they've finally reached Mushroom Castle. Their fight isn't done yet, though, as the King of the Koopas himself quickly makes his presence known... and he's very unhappy with our heroes. Can the League survive this encounter as their fight with Bowser quickly escalates to earth-shaking levels?
Dante decides to expand his culinary tastes; Stitch goes full John Wick; Vivian gets her flirt on; Nico creates a monster; and Luna really believes that Bowser's coming around, you guys.
Special thanks to ToxicXEternity for the boss music in this episode! Check out his work at youtube.com/toxicxeternity.
Hile, listeners! Look closely, I beg. See a pair of legendary gunfighters, each among the most formidable to ever draw iron. In another life, perhaps, these two may have met under more amiable circumstances. Perhaps they have even become friends. But the world has moved on, and ka has decreed that their paths must cross in conflict. For one of these men is Roland Deschain of Gilead-that-was, the last gunslinger, he who seeks the Dark Tower and the room that sits at the top. The other is Vash the Stampede, of Trigun, a living whirlwind of strife and death whose skill with the gun is surpassed only by the amount of money that can be acquired for his head, and he stands in Roland's path. Ka is a demon bitch that way, may it do ya, and one of these men will not be leaving the battleground alive.
See these Smash Fiction competitors, listeners. See them very well. And know that the irony of asking you to see things is not lost on us!
See also their advocates, among them, returning guest hosts Matias Tautimez and Rafael Medina! Listen all the way to the end of the episode, despite Claire turning the opening scenario into a jumble o phonetic confusion and Miles producing perhaps the worst opening stinger in podcast history! Not all of them many survive this episode, but in the thanks section, we shall cry all their names!
Smash Metafiction proudly debuts its newest game: the speed dating reality show called Ship Wrecked! Claire brings in a boatload of puns as host, while Dan, Kit, Liz, and Meganbob take on the roles of different popular fictional characters. They'll take turns pairing off and getting to know each other in various romantic situations, with an unexpected element introducing delicious chaos partway through each date. At the end, the characters will choose who they most want to continue dating, in the hopes that the other person will feel the same way. Will any pairs prove compatible, or will our contestants be set adrift in the great ocean we call rejection? And just how will characters from God of War, Mass Effect, Labyrinth, and Marvel Comics fare in the stormy seas of romance?
God only knows why Ned Flanders has the most sought-after soul this side of Springfield, but Hell aims to find out why. Not one but two Crowleys, both demonic masters of temptation, have been sent to make Flanders a deal, but a man can only really sell his soul once. Will Supernatural's Crowley meet Ned at a crossroads and make him a deal no double-widower could refuse? Or will Good Omen's Crowley masterfully orchestrate all of Springfield's worst citizens into the perfect corrupting force against poor pious Ned?
Miles reminds us of the Beginning; MeganBob gets real about Sam and Dean Winchester; Dan threatens torture; and Brad Bultman returns to tell you to give up on your dreams of being on Ninja Warrior.
The League finally meets up with Princess Peach and her band of rebels. With an army of Yoshis at their backs, they'll surely make quick work of Bowser and his Koopa Troop! I mean, it's not like Bowser has giant robots, moats filled with lava, or hundreds of other nasty surprises waiting for them, right?
Vivian gets catty; Stitch gets into plants (literally); Dante makes pamphlets; Luna gets twice as sweet; and Nico's fixation on pro wrestling continues to grow.
Additional music is "Deuces" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License. http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for April 2018. The original description follows:
It's that time again. Instead of Smash Fiction's usual brand of yelling and making lowbrow dick jokes, Itchy Brains is a time for having deep philosophical conversations about art and making highbrow dick jokes. This time I'm joined by MeganBob and Kit, and we're experimenting with the format a bit: whereas last time we centered our discussion around a single topic, this time we're centering it on a single work of art, "The Shape of Water."
How does "Shape of Water" manage to be erotic without perpetuating the immoral qualities of pornography at its worst? How can you make an accurate period piece without endorsing the pervasive problematic attitudes of that time? What is "coding" and how has fiction used it to associate villains and monsters with certain real world marginalized groups? Would it have been more or less hot if we had seen that fish dick? Damn, didn't even make it to the end of the description this time... I think I have a problem.
The music used in the episode is "Blip Stream" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License. http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
In the year 20[redacted], the world has fallen into a super-cool but depressingly corporate cyberpunk dystopia, black leather and robot parts are always in fashion, and information is the #1 currency. Which could explain why Hiro Protagonist, the last freelance hacker and greatest swordsman in the world, finds himself in a race against both time and a very worthy opponent -- Overwatch's morally ambiguous hacking specialist, Sombra. Or it could maybe have something to do with the trickster machinations of a certain Smash Fiction Patron, but -- no. No, that's just crazy talk.
After the same info, Hiro and Sombra must infiltrate the corporate megaplex in which it is housed, overcoming guards, security systems, and of course, each other. Will Hiro use his samurai swords and Sumerian language mysteries to show everyone why his name is still at the top of the leaderboard? Or will Sombra, with a muttered "cochino," give him a taste of her own personal brand of Snow Crash?
In an episode churning with references to Second Life, old D&D memes, and of course, Extraordinary League, your hosts toss insults around, ship Overwatch characters, and remember that Snow Crash was, in fact, written in 1992. And in a very special milestone, the podcast receives it's first live Kit You're Welcome!
When Mari McCabe, a.k.a. Vixen, learns of her ancestors' long-lost artifacts, extremely reliable Internet sources lead her to Wakanda. However, the king of Wakanda, Black Panther, holds the safety of his citizens at a paramount, and is there to greet Vixen when she arrives. Though she has claim to the apparently divine artifacts, he has the right to protect them from dishonorable hands. However could they possibly solve this dispute? As it turns out, with mystical claws!
Miles wants you to be aware of Black Panther's cinematic success. Hub, from Titan Up the Defense, joins Dan to argue for all the animal powers you might've learned in Zoobooks as well as the comic animal powers you might not have considered. And MeganBob just wants everyone to be friends (though that might be too much to ask).
Surprise Party is back, and just in time, because it's a period of civil war and somebody needs to blow up that damn Death Star! Of course, it won't be Princess Leia and her friends on any mercy mission this time -- several fictional characters were beamed to this podcast by Smash Fiction hosts. Claire, Kit, and MeganBob have constructed three parties of new New Hopes, and with Dan as their high-minded Force ghost guide, they will compete in a series of scored contests to see who will be the first to shit-talk Grand Moff Tarkin, move along a group of Stormtroopers, and become more powerful than Darth Vader can possibly imagine!
Featuring Claire's never-ending well of Looney Tunes references, Kit and Bob being entirely on the same page during character selection, and the game-wrecking potential of the ignominious Dumpus! As always, Smash Metafiction has a light side and a dark side and binds the universe together, so fire up your astromech droids and let's do a Star War!
Through a complicated series of events that could only have sprung from the sick and convoluted mind of Judge Miles, two of fiction's most adventurous, sex-crazed swashbucklers have found themselves marooned in a seedy criminal port city, and there's only one magical item that can get them out again! Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood's greatest time agent who is, of course, displaced in time, has discovered that the item lies somewhere inside the local crime lord's tower headquarters, and intends to use it to return to his own time to help fight off yet another alien invasion of London. But his rival, the well-known pirate of the Carribean as well as various mythologies, Captain Jack Sparrow, has also learned the item's location, and believes it can free him from the cursed gold coin that he couldn't help but pocket before leaving the Isla de Muerta. Which immortal Captain Jack can breach the tower walls, take out or sneak past the guards, seduce anyone in the immediate vicinity, and beat the other to the fabulous treasure?
Hannah Pascoe and Sharon Schneiderman return to answer the most important questions of pansexuality and pirating! Also, Miles may have been reading too much of a certain book series recently, Dan tries his hand at a new kind of evolutionary biology, and MeganBob breaks out the dreaded Barrister Voice!
Having safely infiltrated Grimgrim Prison, our heroes must now find a way of freeing the Yoshi inmates from their Koopa captors. How long can they keep their true identities a secret before all hell breaks loose? What secret weapons will the Koopas deploy against them? And what exactly is Nico planning to do away from everyone else?
Vivian hits the jackpot; Luna REALLY wants to make friends; Nico doesn't quite think things through; Stitch tries a new look; and Dante finds his true calling.
Special thanks to Richard Bichler for the action music in this episode! Check out his work at youtube.com/richaadeb.
Happy April Fool's Day, listeners! Worry not, your regularly-scheduled League episode will be up tomorrow (April 2nd), but we decided to give you a little something extra on this most special of days.
So what exactly does an April Fool's League episode sound like? Well, what about a different GM stepping in while Dan becomes a player? What about one of the weirdest League teams this side of Phyrexia? What about a murder mystery... in Candyland?
Additional music this episode is "Take a Chance" and "Killers" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for March 2018. The original description follows:
I think it's safe to say that writing this song has been an exploration of Skeletor's sensitive and emotional, yet still very evil, side. Based on how many times he's utterly failed over the years, he's finally turned to a classical music piece to maybe make a name for himself, but even then, still can't escape He-Man.
When I started out with writing this song, I was torn between writing a bombastic, dissonant piece or a more somber, emotional one. I basically attempted to combine all of those feelings into this twisted, classical amalgamation. I started out with samples of all the hosts' most terrifying Skeletor laughs and some extremely dissonant piano... and then, because I'm Liz Logan, thought it would be a great idea to go from evil (what you would expect) to something unexpected, i.e. pleasant sounding. Then, I wanted the end of the song to be Skeletor's mental snare and bass-driven march to actually completing something for once. Bravo!
LYRICS for "Skeletor Symphony No. 1"
No one cares for me,
No one seems to see
That I'm so powerful
That I even impress myself.
I like to feel evil.
I live to be bad.
You're a loser Skeletor!
He-Man, you boob!
Everything I do
Is for the sake of evil!
Too bad I'm surrounded by dolts and halfwits and brainless idiots
Who couldn't even beat a motley group of gnomes
Skeletor is love!
You poor metal munching morons
And this is how it ends,
With Skeletor triumphant, at last!
Nazis. Why'd it have to be Nazis? And on the moon, of all places.
When space Nazis kidnap president James Marshall right off his Air Force One, NASA makes use of SCIENCE! to summon three of his look-alikes from alternate universes. From long ago in a galaxy far, far away comes former general, forever smuggler, and first-shooter, Han Solo! Swinging in with a whip and a fedora full of luck is archaeologist, professor, and repeated nuisance to Nazis, Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr! And last and definitely oldest comes former Bladerunner, neo-noir hide-and-seek champion, and toasted cheese enthusiast, Rick Deckard!
Which of these men is a bad enough dude to save the president? Will Claire turn to the Dark Side after multiple jokes about patricide? Does Kit even care who wins as long as Rick Deckard loses? And can Liz keep it together after all the psychological abuse hurled her way when she never asked for this (except she totally did)?
Smash Metafiction presents the second episode of Collaboratory, in which Claire Mulkerin guides three other Smash Fiction hosts through a collaborative storytelling process using the characters, settings, genres, goals, and MacGuffins they each independently brought to the table, stitched together via the screenwriting steps and structure from the book Save The Cat! In this sophomore effort, a few similarities between story elements don't make things any less fun, as super-strong teenagers hang out in bell towers, Kit combines her greatest fear with her affection for popular '80s music, and Miles enters the lab for the first time...
A dispute over a minor magical artifact turns into a battle of the dark princesses of fighting games, as whip fetishist and least-dressed Soul Calibur character Ivy Valentine takes on Darkstalker's resident bat-winged succubus, Morrigan Aensland, and the fan-flinging queen of Kombat, Princess Kitana, in the first actual straight-up combat match of Season 3! Will Ivy's use of the Soul Edge be enough to overcome the disadvantages conveyed on her by the basic rules of boob physics? Will Morrigan's combo-spamming techniques and shapeshifting abilities win the day over her better-known foes? Or will Kitana just inexplicably turn everyone into babies and be done with it?
Also, the hosts perform an experiment to determine just how many terrible puns can fit in one episode, James Bond suffers a quick and hideous death, and for the second time in Smash Fiction history, somebody says the words, "Fuck you, Miles."
This week's episode is brought to you by Corn Nuts and "The Aughts."