Through a complicated series of events that could only have sprung from the sick and convoluted mind of Judge Miles, two of fiction's most adventurous, sex-crazed swashbucklers have found themselves marooned in a seedy criminal port city, and there's only one magical item that can get them out again! Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood's greatest time agent who is, of course, displaced in time, has discovered that the item lies somewhere inside the local crime lord's tower headquarters, and intends to use it to return to his own time to help fight off yet another alien invasion of London. But his rival, the well-known pirate of the Carribean as well as various mythologies, Captain Jack Sparrow, has also learned the item's location, and believes it can free him from the cursed gold coin that he couldn't help but pocket before leaving the Isla de Muerta. Which immortal Captain Jack can breach the tower walls, take out or sneak past the guards, seduce anyone in the immediate vicinity, and beat the other to the fabulous treasure?
Hannah Pascoe and Sharon Schneiderman return to answer the most important questions of pansexuality and pirating! Also, Miles may have been reading too much of a certain book series recently, Dan tries his hand at a new kind of evolutionary biology, and MeganBob breaks out the dreaded Barrister Voice!
Having safely infiltrated Grimgrim Prison, our heroes must now find a way of freeing the Yoshi inmates from their Koopa captors. How long can they keep their true identities a secret before all hell breaks loose? What secret weapons will the Koopas deploy against them? And what exactly is Nico planning to do away from everyone else?
Vivian hits the jackpot; Luna REALLY wants to make friends; Nico doesn't quite think things through; Stitch tries a new look; and Dante finds his true calling.
Special thanks to Richard Bichler for the action music in this episode! Check out his work at youtube.com/richaadeb.
Happy April Fool's Day, listeners! Worry not, your regularly-scheduled League episode will be up tomorrow (April 2nd), but we decided to give you a little something extra on this most special of days.
So what exactly does an April Fool's League episode sound like? Well, what about a different GM stepping in while Dan becomes a player? What about one of the weirdest League teams this side of Phyrexia? What about a murder mystery... in Candyland?
Additional music this episode is "Take a Chance" and "Killers" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for March 2018. The original description follows:
I think it's safe to say that writing this song has been an exploration of Skeletor's sensitive and emotional, yet still very evil, side. Based on how many times he's utterly failed over the years, he's finally turned to a classical music piece to maybe make a name for himself, but even then, still can't escape He-Man.
When I started out with writing this song, I was torn between writing a bombastic, dissonant piece or a more somber, emotional one. I basically attempted to combine all of those feelings into this twisted, classical amalgamation. I started out with samples of all the hosts' most terrifying Skeletor laughs and some extremely dissonant piano... and then, because I'm Liz Logan, thought it would be a great idea to go from evil (what you would expect) to something unexpected, i.e. pleasant sounding. Then, I wanted the end of the song to be Skeletor's mental snare and bass-driven march to actually completing something for once. Bravo!
LYRICS for "Skeletor Symphony No. 1"
No one cares for me,
No one seems to see
That I'm so powerful
That I even impress myself.
I like to feel evil.
I live to be bad.
You're a loser Skeletor!
He-Man, you boob!
Everything I do
Is for the sake of evil!
Too bad I'm surrounded by dolts and halfwits and brainless idiots
Who couldn't even beat a motley group of gnomes
Skeletor is love!
You poor metal munching morons
And this is how it ends,
With Skeletor triumphant, at last!
Nazis. Why'd it have to be Nazis? And on the moon, of all places.
When space Nazis kidnap president James Marshall right off his Air Force One, NASA makes use of SCIENCE! to summon three of his look-alikes from alternate universes. From long ago in a galaxy far, far away comes former general, forever smuggler, and first-shooter, Han Solo! Swinging in with a whip and a fedora full of luck is archaeologist, professor, and repeated nuisance to Nazis, Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr! And last and definitely oldest comes former Bladerunner, neo-noir hide-and-seek champion, and toasted cheese enthusiast, Rick Deckard!
Which of these men is a bad enough dude to save the president? Will Claire turn to the Dark Side after multiple jokes about patricide? Does Kit even care who wins as long as Rick Deckard loses? And can Liz keep it together after all the psychological abuse hurled her way when she never asked for this (except she totally did)?
Smash Metafiction presents the second episode of Collaboratory, in which Claire Mulkerin guides three other Smash Fiction hosts through a collaborative storytelling process using the characters, settings, genres, goals, and MacGuffins they each independently brought to the table, stitched together via the screenwriting steps and structure from the book Save The Cat! In this sophomore effort, a few similarities between story elements don't make things any less fun, as super-strong teenagers hang out in bell towers, Kit combines her greatest fear with her affection for popular '80s music, and Miles enters the lab for the first time...
A dispute over a minor magical artifact turns into a battle of the dark princesses of fighting games, as whip fetishist and least-dressed Soul Calibur character Ivy Valentine takes on Darkstalker's resident bat-winged succubus, Morrigan Aensland, and the fan-flinging queen of Kombat, Princess Kitana, in the first actual straight-up combat match of Season 3! Will Ivy's use of the Soul Edge be enough to overcome the disadvantages conveyed on her by the basic rules of boob physics? Will Morrigan's combo-spamming techniques and shapeshifting abilities win the day over her better-known foes? Or will Kitana just inexplicably turn everyone into babies and be done with it?
Also, the hosts perform an experiment to determine just how many terrible puns can fit in one episode, James Bond suffers a quick and hideous death, and for the second time in Smash Fiction history, somebody says the words, "Fuck you, Miles."
This week's episode is brought to you by Corn Nuts and "The Aughts."
Some difficulties during recording mean that this episode is a bit shorter than normal, but you still get a giant helping of Mushroom Kingdom action and intrigue! The League (and their new companion) have been found by Koopa Troops--it looks like their quest to free the land from Bowser won't be an easy one. Can the League stand up to some of their weirdest enemies yet? And what ill-advised and hideously impractical plan will they come up with to infiltrate an entire stronghold of these things?
Dante goes old school; Luna makes sure everyone gets enough to eat; Stitch tries on some new kicks; Nico goes her own way; and Vivian REALLY plays against type.
We've got winter sports fever here at Smash Fiction, so we've put together the ultimate showcase of figure skating athleticism for your listening pleasure! Japan's Yuri Katsuki joins with his rival, Russia's Yuri Plisetsky, as the team known as Yuri(s) on Ice--and they had better be prepared to make history, because their opponents are the legendary Americans Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy, better known as the Blades of Glory!
Men will spin. Ice will be sliced. Same-sex coupling will be strongly implied. Will judge Dan be won over by Kit and Meganbob's contention that the Yuris' passion, love of pork, and actual visible skating skill will win the day? Or will Claire and special guest advocate Brad Bultman come flying down from the sky and successfully argue that skating prowess and blatant absurdity are not mutually exclusive?
It's another episode of Smash Metafiction, featuring the debut of a new experimental game -- Surprise Party! Drawing from fictional characters across the multiverse, the Smash Fiction hosts build their own adventuring parties of fighters, rogues, mages, clerics, and bards (not to mention the dreaded "dumpus") and see whose team can best complete the trials and tribulations of a previously existing story. In the inaugural episode, Dan guides three cobbled-together character coalitions through the plot of The Lord of the Rings, scoring them from best to worst in a series of contests that will, ultimately, determine which party successfully casts the Ring of Power into the fires of Mount Doooooooooooom!
Will Sauron be defeated (by Claire's commitment to Jedi pacifism)? Will Middle-Earth be saved (thanks to a bunch of weirdos that only Miles has ever heard of)? Will Kit show up with any characters that are human and/or have the ability to speak? There's only one way to find out: Listen, you fools!
Well, listeners, it's finally happened. It was inevitable, really. It was clear right from the beginning that one day, these events would occur. Most of us never believed in the prophecy, but here we are. Smash Fiction has finally, officially caught the slashfic bug (MeganBob is actually the disease's primary carrier, so yeah, should have seen that one coming). Not only that, but we've infected the Gameable Podcast with it, as well. Kris and Katrina had no choice but to return to our show once again, this time for a series of arguments that would be purely speculative if they weren't so completely obvious.
Smash Fiction's pledge has always been to answer the big questions, and this week, we tackle one of the biggest there's ever been. If, in one room, you were to put James Tiberius Kirk captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and his first officer, Commander Spock, and in another room, you put Frodo Baggins and his faithful friend and gardener, Samwise Gamgee...which hypothetical dream couple would be the first to throw out their inhibitions and get busy? Will Kris use the sheer depth of his Lord of the Rings philosophy to defeat Dan's insistence on things like facts and evidence? Will Katrina realize her secret destiny as a wedding planner? Will MeganBob somehow be able to prevent herself from shipping other characters during this process? And how can Claire possibly make a decision between the two? At long last, the definitive answers to all these questions lie within your grasp...if, that is, your mind can survive the experience.
Now that the siege on Castle Grayskull has been broken, the League is finally able to catch their breath and begin to rebuild. Old injuries are addressed, new status quos are examined, and threats are flung in every direction. And finally, the League finds a new lead in their struggle against Phyrexia, which leads them to a new world... a very, very strange new world.
Stitch plays keep-away; Nico redefines anti-social behavior; Luna hands out swag; Dante looks into some upgrades; and Mordin has an important decision to make.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for January 2018. The original description follows:
Thanks to your continued support, I am... proud?... to bring you the latest bonus episode of Extraordinary League!
It all started with a simple question I posed to myself: what would happen if a bunch of League characters got on a train? The answer ended up involving a lot more improvisation, sky pirates, and ghosts than you might initially think. I'm so grateful to all of you for making this possible--I hope you have as much fun listening to to it as we had making it.
What happens when the Opera Populaire's legendary Phantom and the man known as Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, start killing people simultaneously in a Paris that is now under the steely-eyed watch of the miserable but constantly rules-enforcing Inspector Javert? Why, the most musical episode of Smash Fiction in history, of course! As Todd and the Phantom attempt to avoid the investigative attentions of the good inspector (well, the lawful neutral inspector, at least), all the SmashFic hosts break into song, at least one of them raps, the long-lost Musical Round returns, and Rafael Medina is here, so some of it actually sounds good!
Will the Phantom leave one last chronology-muddling rose on his enemy's grave, or will Sweeney Todd have a brand new flavor of pie to sell in Mrs. Lovett's shop? And how much singing is there in this episode, really? (Hint: So much. There's so much singing.)
In the inaugural episode of Smash Metafiction, Claire guides the Smash Fic hosts through a collaborative storytelling exercise that we like to call... Collaboratory. For reasons that are evident over the course of the show. Actually, you get to hear the conversation in which we decide on that name. It's fun times.
Each of the hosts shows up with an existing fictional character or archetype, as well as a story element, including genre, setting, goal, and MacGuffin. Then, using screenwriting steps and structure from the book Save The Cat, they combine these disparate parts into a new, greater, and only slightly disfigured whole! This time around, sitcom characters terrorize the high seas, there's definitely room in the cast for Lady Gaga, and you'll never guess who Kit brings to the table...
Son of a...really, magic? Really? All we were trying to do was cast a simple spell to create a podcast episode where two bumbling, no-talent magicians square off in a contest of raw incompetence. But damn, we must have gotten something wrong, because this episode is way too competitive and full of sex jokes, not at all the light-hearted romp we were going for. Oh well. Maybe no one will notice...
Anyway, after years of enjoying a total dearth of animated brooms dancing around and flooding his workspace, celebrated Disney sorcerer Yen Sid is finally ready to take on another apprentice. The only problem is, he has two apprentices. The Orko kid seems to have all kinds of raw magic ability, but also a disturbing lack of skill, focus, or a voice that doesn't grate down Yen Sid's spine. And Rincewind...well, he claims to be a "wizzard" already, and he's quick on his feet, but he's also the unluckiest, most thoroughly non-magical individual Yen Sid has ever encountered. The sorcerer is a patient man, but a busy one, as well; he only has time to take on one of these two projects. Will it be the Trollan jester from Castle Eternia, or the Discworld's most notorious nobody? And more importantly, what insights about gay iconography and 1980s progressivism did MeganBob glean from her first viewing of the He-Man animated series?
The final showdown between the League and Demona has arrived, with the Power of Grayskull hanging in the balance! Can Helena's newfound might help the heroes to stand against Demona and her army of weirdly-themed villains? Who will become the new Sorceress of Grayskull? And what ever happened to those other five characters that were standing guard at Castle Grayskull, anyway?
Stitch takes on an army; Mordin puts his newest invention to the test; Dante loses something important; Nico has an unexpected reunion; and Helena fights for honor.
Also used in this episode is "Killers" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2017. The original description follows:
Welcome to another bonus episode featuring your favorite curmudgeonly Smash Fiction host ranting about something he hates! This time around, you folks voted for something that most other people hate, too--the Star Wars prequels. Dan Mulkerin joins me for a discussion on all things that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, with emphasis on how, why, and to what degree Episodes 1-3 sucked. From Jesus analogues to death by loss of willpower to inexplicable hostility toward sand, the prequels don't stand a chance against us. After all, we have the high ground.
With a mind-melting 100 episodes in the can, it's once again time for Smash Fiction's season finale, the Smash Bash Championship! All six hosts join forces yet again, this time to draft teams of five Season 2 victors. These teams will then be tested in the Lightning Gauntlet -- no fewer than SIX ridiculous Lightning Rounds in a row! The winners of these Lightning Rounds will go on to compete in the Ultimate Smashdown, a final fight to determine the new Smash Fiction champion! Who will assume the throne? Who will be found wanting? How long can we possibly sustain this amount of bullshit?
Incidentally, given the fact that you all somehow allowed us to reach 100 episodes, the answer to that last question appears to be "pretty damn long."
100 episodes. Holy shit. We don't entirely know how this happened, but we do know that it wouldn't have happened without all of you. So thank you, from the bottom of all our cockles, and as a small token of our appreciation, please enjoy 80 whole minutes of the six regular Smash Fiction hosts going completely fucking insane, in their own unique ways. You don't actually need to have seen Lord of War, Gone In 60 Seconds, Deadfall, Bangkok Dangerous, or G-Force. You just need love (and Nicolas Cage) in your heart. And deep down inside, everyone has that. Welcome to Cage Match 3...
...and Merry Cagemas!
Question: For about an hour, why was the Fire Princess' kingdom Armageddon?
Answer: THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT!
Four fire-themed characters turn up the heat on one another and the advocates deliver some burns of their own in an appropriately aggressive elemental contest. Will Zuko's fire-bending and general moodiness make him a Smash Fiction avatar? Will Kit's tendency to get SUPER close to the mic when she's angry help her defend her beloved Roy Mustang? Will Chandra Nalaar use her interplanar wizardry and her incredible collection of quotes to burn her enemies to ash? Or will Miles' love of the New Warriors and unending supply of bullshit comic book science allow him to unleash Firestar's true power?
Also, MeganBob is the least judgmental judge of all time, Kit reviews Full Metal Alchemist in both manga and anime form, and Miles steadfastly refuses to learn anything about the actual story of Magic: The Gathering.
With another Star Wars movie upon us, the Smash Fiction crew Force-leaps back into the world of magic mind bullets and dueling space priests, a place where lightsabers clash, lightning flies, and red laser shields turn on and off for, like, no reason! A long time ago (though definitely in the same galaxy) we battled to determine the most powerful lord of the Sith. At some point in our grimy, intricately lived-in future, we will determine the worthiest of the Jedi Masters. But now, in Smash Fiction's personal Empire Strikes Back, we dive into the Expanded Universe like a one-handed farm boy falling out of a space station to decide whether Revan, the most notable Knight of the Old Republic, or Galen "Starkiller" Marek and his tendency toward unleashing the Force, is the greatest of the "gray" Jedi -- those whose hearts and minds have been touched by both the darkness and the light.
Neal Butler returns to fulfill his destiny, that being to answer questions such as: Which of these competitors will prove themselves the ultimate master of heavy-handed symbolic moral ambiguity? Which will be condemned to eternity as a computer-generated blue ghost? And does it really matter if anyone has the high ground?
Also, Dan gets super concerned about spoiling an extremely old video game, MeganBob pitches her documentary series about the plight of the side characters in the Star Wars universe, and Kit calls upon the full power of the Feisty Side.
It's a dark time for our heroes as the traitorous Demona has claimed the Power of Grayskull! Unable to face her and her forces directly, the League is forced to resort to sneakier, subtler, and smarter tactics--and if there's one thing we've learned about this group of heroes, it's that they're great at showing restraint and good judgment! Right? ...right?
Mordin develops a new persona; Stitch brings the house down; Nico becomes a real SJW (social justice wizard); Dante wrestles a gorilla; Helena finds honor worth fighting for; and the group is joined by an unexpected ally.
Oh, what an episode! What a lovely episode! When Furiosa, the most feared and respected Imperator of post-apocalyptic Australia suddenly escapes with Immortan Joe's wives, she expected at least a few of them to follow her tire tracks across the Outback. Fortunately, they're unable to do that, because one of the Citadel's prisoners, a mysterious blonde woman in a yellow jumpsuit, has taken advantage of the chaos created by Furiosa's escape to murder literally everyone with her bad-ass katana. Unfortunately, this MPAA-defying murder machine was originally captured by Furiosa herself, and has a knack for holding a grudge. Before long, Beatrix Kiddo has acquired a blood-stained motorcycle and taken off after the War Rig, determined to cross one last name off her list. Will the Citadel's most wanted pull the trigger on another astounding sniper shot, make her escape, and find her redemption? Or will the infamous Black Mamba track down her prey on the Fury Road and fulfill her promise to Kill...Furiosa?
Note: Miles and Claire are sadly suffering the consequences of recording audio after the apocalypse, but to be honest, they only thought it would be that easy for a second there.
Hey kids, it's time for another zany Sunday morning episode of Smash Fiction, starring your wholesome, ratings-friendly host, Hedonismbot! This week, the immensely positive role model that is this golden monument to robotic indulgence has captured two other characters and is demanding that they fight in his Romanesque arena, before a crowd of cheering fans, that the combat might slake his boredom for a few microseconds. Brought to you by Ovaltine!
Of course, this isn't a fight to the death -- we have sponsors to bend over backwards to not offend, after all. Instead, the winner of this battle will be the participant who puts on the best show and gives the crowd the most entertainment. Will legendary toon television star Roger Rabbit pick himself up yet again and demonstrate the true power of laughter? Or will the high-powered, Loki-infested superhero known as The Mask prove that, no matter how many times he asks, nobody will, in fact, stop him?
Also in this episode: