The ongoing SmashFic series of four-way elemental battles rages on, and this week, it's...THE LIGHTNING MATCH! Cue cheap thunder sound effects, insincere cries of terror, and a giant load of bullshit. But you already knew that.
Thanks to a vague and bizarre second-person narrative, four of the most electric characters in fictional entertainment have been imprisoned in something called the Thunderdome, and must now layeth the smacketh down on each other's candy asses until one of them drops that last elbow and gets free. Will Storm, mutant weather goddess of the X-Men, raise a triumphant eyebrow in victory? Will actual literal lightning god Raiden finally come back to Earthrealm as the winner of this new form of Mortal Kombat? Will Pikachu's millions (and millions) and millions of fans somehow be enough to drive this strange yellow rat thing to the top? Or will he and the other two competitors hit rock bottom, fatally letting their guard down after they smell what Sailor Jupiter is cooking?
Also, Miles really doesn't understand Pokemon types, Claire struggles to explain how anything in Sailor Moon actually works, and as always, comics are fucking stupid.
The number of people who would willingly get into a direct fight with Godzilla can probably be counted on one hand... and they all happen to be in the Extraordinary League. Our heroes have gotten it into their heads that they can free the King of the Monsters from Phyrexian control, but doing so puts their very lives on the line, and some of them may not be coming out of this in one piece.
Nico tries out some new talents; Stitch has to dig deep; Luna plays healer; Dante hits his breaking point; and Mordin may never be the same.
Thanks as always to Family Jules for all of the battle music used in this episode! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/user/FamilyJules7X
When the ongoing Astro-Kerfuffle brings two groups of opposing forces, one from the USS Enterprise, one from their assigned Star Destroyer, each comprising fifty members, into combat on the decks of the NSEA Protector...
You know what, no. The editor is protesting the continued existence of the Astro-Kerfuffle by refusing to write the normal style of description. I tried to kill this stupid thing more than a year ago, but the rest of you just won't let it go. I can't tell you how upset this makes me. Do you see what you've done? You've made me write this in first person! I never write episode descriptions in first person! Now I have to go weirdly meta with the whole thing, and it's all your fault!
When the Patrons of Smash Fiction demand a battle between history's most iconic space dumpuses, the hosts of Smash Fiction oblige. Not only do two of them argue that the red-shirted crew members of Star Trek's original series would survive in this match -- they argue that redshirts being especially death-prone is a full-blown myth, not supported by the text of the show! Not only do the other two argue that the Stormtroopers of Star Wars' original trilogy would survive in this match -- they argue that Stormtroopers being terrible at shooting is a full-blown myth, not supported by the text of the films! And thus did an entire sector of space become choked by the fog of shameless lies.
In this contest between those who can't kill and those who can't help but be killed, which team will have their accuracy praised by Obi-Wan Kenobi? Which team will be solemnly pronounced dead (Jim) by Dr. McCoy? And more importantly, which team will win the Lightning Round, and perhaps, if they're lucky, make the cover of OSQ?
It's time once again for Collaboratory, where four Smash Fic hosts attempt to cobble together a semi-coherent film using random characters and story elements!
This week, Claire is joined by Dan, Kit, and Liz, who have the unenviable task of attempting to craft a tale around a little girl, a cat, a dragon, and a serial killer, all while using elements from stories like Chronicles of Riddick, Jingle All the Way, and 1984. The hosts end up with a pile of really incongruous stuff, and end up making... something that actually kind of works? Listen and judge for yourself!
The Steve-ness is at an all-time high as Captain America (Steve Rogers) goes up against Steven Universe in one of the most wholesome matches Smash Fiction has ever done. These two Steves have each been tasked with training a group of upstart Power Rangers in the ways of teamwork and Steve-itude. In this match where normally you would find shouting, instead there are admiring sighs. Where normally there would be epithets, instead there are declarations of affection. Where normally you would find character with different names, you will find Steves.
Which shield-wielding Steve will save the day? Miles and MeganBob argue that age, experience, and beardliness are Steve Rogers' keys to victory. Claire and special guest Sharon Schneiderman argue that Steven Universe always finds a way. Dan presents the most Steve-ful Lightning Round yet! Listen in and unleash your inner Steve.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2018. The original description follows:
Those of you $5+ patrons who get our monthly bonus content poll must have been surprised when Miles gave you a list of media he liked... and one of them was a video game! That's right, Miles is (briefly) putting aside his role as everyone's favorite curmudgeon to gush about the 2004 computer role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines. He's joined by Dan, who has played the game, and Kit, who has not, and the three hosts have fun chatting about the video game, the tabletop RPG, and the wonderful, terrible World of Darkness as a whole.
There are some light spoilers for Bloodlines in this episode, but if you're interested in playing the game, our discussion should hopefully only whet your appetite for a genuinely great, if not perfect, cult classic of a game. Let us know what you think!
Now that they've gathered the information they need, the League sets their sights on their newest target: the Praetor known as Godzilla. Our heroes are hoping to find him, cure him, and turn him, but that is all easier said than done, as they'll have to traverse a vast and nightmarish forest, deal with shadowy monsters, and unlock a strange power that's been hiding in them all along...
Luna makes yet another new friend; Dante leaps to the rescue; Stitch becomes a meteor; Nico shows off her new skills; and Mordin dives into the belly of the beast.
Thanks again to Family Jules for both of the battle songs used in this episode! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/user/FamilyJules7X
After an ill-defined apocalypse in which the world has been reduced to fire and blood, the tyrant Immortan Joe rules the Australian wasteland. He has taken everything from those he calls his subjects--water, freedom, dignity--until one ragtag group stands up and declares, "We are not things."
Sure, you may think you know the story of Mad Max: Fury Road, but you've never heard it told quite like this. Witness Claire take the lead on Surprise Party; witness Dan, Miles, and Meganbob craft their own war rigs full of fictional characters inspired by Apocalypse World; and witness a set of dumpuses uniquely un-suited to the challenges of the post-apocalyptic outback.
Which group will ride eternal, shiny and chrome, through the gates of Valhalla? Climb aboard and let's find out!
It's that time again, listeners -- the most wonderful time of the year, you might say. Another glorious Cagemas is upon us, and as always, we're celebrating the numerous career deaths and resurrections of Hollywood's most inscrutable actor with the fourth annual Smash Fiction Cage Match! This year's contest features the strangest and least physically gifted lineup yet, as four completely mundane but thoroughly depressing Nicolas Cage characters compete for the World Sad Sack Championship!
Does Dan have it in him to make real, actual jokes about Leaving Las Vegas and its self-destructive lead character, Ben Sanderson? Can Liz Logan channel the power of the Weather Man himself, Dave Spritz, and make it rain? Will Kit use Ronny Cammareri's wooden hand, Italian accent, and magical lunar love story to leave her opposition Moonstruck? Or will they all fall to the fictional version of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman and his peerless powers of Adaptation?
This holiday season, come for the Cage, stay for the craze, including a Miles monologue for the ages, a shocking mid-episode twist, and a lightning round that gets just a little bit...meta.
Smash Metafiction Studios presents another mashed-together masterpiece, as the creative team that brought you "Don't You Forget About Me" returns to the lab for another round of gently bubbling brainstorms and flashes of brilliance buzzing with electric current! It's time, once again, for Collaboratory!
In this episode, Claire, Kit, Miles, and MeganBob elucidate an epic tale of sword, sorcery, and science fiction, weaving a narrative that includes bird-themed superheroes, cat-like kaiju, magical destinies, and one of the original MacGuffins! What is the legend of the falcon fist?
"Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs..." John McClane reflects sarcastically. How the hell did this even happen? One minute he was in the Nakatomi building, fighting with his estranged wife and making fists with his toes. The next minute, that weird mogwai thing he'd brought as a present for his kids was running around the Christmas party, jumping into the fountain, and making more little gremlins come out to terrorize the shocked partygoers. Now McClane is trapped in the building, experiencing first-hand what a TV dinner must feel like, with a dozen scaly, evil puppet monsters trying to find him and kill him. Now he has to find a way to survive the night and rescue the human "hostages," and he has to do with all without shoes. Or a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho, I suppose.
That's right, it's a Smash Fiction Christmas Match (yes it is, yes they are, yes both of them, shut up) between the iconic hero of the original Die Hard and the gibbering villains of the original Gremlins! Will McClane overcome the chaotic machinations and hive mind telekinesis (?) of his exquisitely puppeted opponents? Will the Gremlins take out McClane and still have time to catch the next Snow White screening? Will returning guest Rafael Medina abandon his argument entirely and simply pander to Judge Miles with a lengthy rant decrying the many crimes of capitalism? There's only one way to find out...but remember: never, ever listen to Smash Fiction after midnight.
After their narrow escape from the Red Praetor, the League hunkers down and discusses what to do next. Their new ally Morgana has a plan to deal a devastating blow to Phyrexia... but is it worth the risk?
Dante and Stitch perfect the Fireball Special; Nico designs some new footwear; Mordin takes on a grim task; and Luna calls an old friend.
Thanks again to Family Jules for some of the battle music in this episode! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/user/FamilyJules7X
Hypothetical: Assume that a mysterious, abandoned space station packed with advanced weapons and technology has suddenly entered Earth's orbit and is now floating there for the taking by any would-be world conqueror in the immediate vicinity. Assume, also, that you are an insane monkey inventor, or perhaps a telepathic ape supervillain. In either case, is there even a 1% chance you don't immediately steal a rocket ship and blast your way up there to lay claim to the alien spoils? Answer: No. No, there is not.
Which is why the vehemently verbose Mojo Jojo and the master of mind control known as Gorilla Grodd have temporarily broken off their respective beefs with the Powerpuff Girls and the Flash to instead do battle with one another -- and to the winner go the shiny death machines! But of course, the situation has not gone completely unnoticed by the planet's protectors. With the rest of Overwatch currently busy dealing with other problems, the genetically engineered Winston loads up his jump pack and tesla cannon and heads to the station himself. And upon his arrival, the three hyper-intelligent apes ditch the fun and games and get down to...monkey business.
Which simian will seize the win? Can Dan strike a balance between doing his Mojo impression and actually making an argument? Which is more permanently damaging to the psyche of Smash Fiction listeners -- Claire's never-ending monkey puns or Kit's relentless animal facts? And is MeganBob...okay?
Special thanks (well, more so than usual) to Kevin McLeod of www.incompetech.com for the use of his songs "Hamster March," "Loping Sting," and "Pinball Spring" during this episode.
Hope you're in the mood for some silly voices and terrible accents, cuz it's time for another episode of the multiverse's favorite speed dating reality show, Ship Wrecked! Meganbob takes the helm this time around, so slip into something comfortable as you listen to characters from Disney, Pixar, Star Wars, and 90s-era first person shooter games try desperately to find love... no matter how many establishments they may burn down in the process.
After a lifetime of work (and one particularly traumatic afternoon at the opening of a homeless shelter), Dr. Horrible has finally secured a position in the unholy halls of the Evil League of Evil... which means that it's all the more perplexing when he shows up at his induction ceremony only to find another Dr. Horrible seated at the table! Turns out that Count Olaf, villainous master of disguise, has temporarily suspended his pursuit of the Baudelaire orphans and is angling for his own spot in the Evil League of Evil... and he doesn't care if the spot he takes is Horrible's.
Join us as we debate which Neil Patrick Harris lead will earn a spot at the right hoof of Bad Horse! Can Meganbob and Kit use their Flimsy Argument Ray to stop the opposition? Will Dan and guest host Brad Bultman be able to turn a series of unfortunate events into a single coherent argument? And should we just go ahead and rename this show Claire's Sing-Along Podcast?
The League's search for the fourth gem takes them into a Phyrexian junkyard. The high gray walls around this area hide more than garbage, however, as the League will encounter old enemies, new allies, and come face-to-face with those they thought left behind.
Dante tries out a new form of fashion; Mordin begins to expand his horizons; Stitch attempts to become a celestial body; Nico gets both more and less than she expected; and Luna gets the group a sweet new ride.
Additional music this episode is "Killers" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License, http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Boy, Dom Cobb and his crew of dream thieves certainly have their work cut out for them, don't they? Their expedition into the subconsciousness of Robert Fischer will throw all sorts of challenges at them: militarized projections, multiple dream levels, unwanted visits from Cobb's dead wife. The last thing these guys need right now is a murderous undead serial killer who turns dreams into charnelhouses. Oh wait, you mean Freddy Krueger IS there? Well shoot, NOW this story is getting interesting. Get on our level, Christoper Nolan.
Listen in as Kit and Bob work to make "Frederick" happen, Miles and Claire attempt to crown Dom Cobb the King of the Dumpuses, Liz constructs a horrifying new game in the Lightning Round, and the hosts have a match within a match during judge's deliberations. How much more Inception can you get?!
Steel yourself for the wildest Surprise Party yet as we tackle the now-seminal horror movie Cabin in the Woods! Our hosts form groups of hapless hormonal teenagers that very quickly find themselves in over their heads as they are pursued by dangerous creatures... and a mysterious organization.
Will Kit's party of anime characters outdo Miles's party of super-obscure film characters? Will Claire ever get to see a merman? And will one of our hosts end up the victim of that most terrifying of monsters: the Double Dumpus?! Make some room on the edge of your seat--you'll need it!
The third annual Smashtoberfest kicks off with a growl and a howl as four fuzzy fighters fling themselves into a ferocious fracas filled with flying fur, fearsome fangs, and of course, the full moon! Yes, it’s the werewolf war we’ve all been waiting for, a bestial battle between the most legendary of lycanthropes — or at least, our favorites! Lucian, the lycan lord of the Underworld who morphs into a horndog far more often than once per month; Angua von Uberwald, sexy-but-deadly scourge of Discworld criminals; John Talbain, Darkstalkers’ token werewolf/demon/dragon/kung-fu master/sorcerer; and Scott Howard, high school basketball player, who is simultaneously a teen and a wolf! Which transformation sensation will win this battle for domination? And more importantly, which of them will fulfill the bizarre conditions laid out by Miles in yet another fit of unconscionable narrative madness?
Also in this episode: Dan deadpans “Werewolves of London,” MeganBob weaponizes romance, Claire is all about that silky werewolf hair, Kit pulls a surprising number of arguments directly out of her butt (one of which actually works, kind of) and...seriously, Miles is just the worst, you guys.
Our heroes are really in the thick of things now. Fleeing deeper into Phyrexia, they meet up with another League cell for a chance to catch their breath and plan ahead. What they find is a new ally... and an unconventional way to get to the gem they're after.
Mordin teaches the team the wonders of triangulation; Nico creates a new scaly friend; Stitch is the one who throws; Dante spreads the wonders of consent to a new world; and Luna tries to make Phyrexia more handicap accessible.
Many thanks to Family Jules for this episode's battle music! Check out more of his work at youtube.com/user/FamilyJules7X
Return to the lab with us this week as Claire, Dan, Kit, and Meganbob attempt to build a coherent story out of random characters and plot elements!
Things get wild quickly as the core cast includes a woman who's a wolf, a man who's an owl, and a cat who's a people. Mix in story elements from Star Wars, Image Comics, Oscar Wilde, and obscure Australian westerns, and you end up with a tale of adventure, deception, intrigue, and... contact juggling? Seriously, this one is really weird.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for September 2018. The original description follows:
Thank you to everyone for allowing me to finally use one of my two ukuleles and a harmonica in an actual meaningful context. This song truly is a tribute to my fellow podcasters in how much I enjoy playing League with them and how interesting it can be solving problems with characters who approach things very differently. This song is also a great way for me to ask for Kit's forgiveness regarding a certain episode (listen to Surprise Party 3, you'll understand).
In terms of instrumentation chosen, you are listening to a ukulele, a standard size harmonica, a palm-muted electric bass, a Jamaican hand drum, my vocals, and Kit's lovely Stitch statements. It is me playing everything except Kit's voice. I used my condenser microphone for everything except the bass, which I just plugged straight into my audio interface. Just so you know, I was using pots and pans for percussion at first but it sounded so loud and ridiculous, I had to take it out.
Did you know
What family means in Hawaiian?
Well I didn't know
Until Stitch came along
Ohana means family
Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten
And then this motley crew
Went and stepped on through
To become ohana
How would we have known
That Stitch doesn't like whipped cream
That Luna just wanted to have a pet
'Cause she's sick of you assholes
That Mordin clearly likes to watch the world burn
Incinerate it all
That Nico really likes to read that one weird book
That Dante probably doesn't know what ohana means
Hint, it's family
And you know what
Just like a real family
We certainly have some problems
Dante cares too much about his muscles
And Nico has some homicidal urges
Mordin sometimes wishes he could stay in his lab
And Stitch has an issue with, SHINY... LET ME EAT IT
And Luna is, wait, yeah I don't have anything for this one
One big League family
That everyone can see!
Saving the universe
One world at a time
If we weren't together we wouldn't be ohana
Gather round and listen well to a tale most epic, passed down from generation to generation, of four heroes who were bamboozled into partaking in their most mythic adventure yet! Sun Wukong, the infamous Monkey King, has decided that he'd rather flit about various fictional worlds causing mischief, and managed to trick the greatest heroes from Greek, Irish, British, and Scandinavian mythology into taking the hapless monk Tripitaka on a legendary journey to the west. The way is hazardous, with demons, traps, sorcery, and calamity awaiting our heroes' arrival... and only one hero will prove his heroic superiority and have his tale told and retold through the ages to come.
Listen well as Claire presents Lancelot as a boy band anime character; as Dan attempts to recap the entirety of both the Iliad and the Odyssey in his opening arguments; as Miles tries in vain to pronounce even one Irish name correctly; and as guest host Matias panders with godly might to judge Meganbob. And be sure you have your (fake) IDs ready for the Lightning Round, because things are getting steamy!
The Shinra Corporation is up to no good, rumors of impending doom are flying like a one-winged angel, and once again, a group of adventurers have come together to save the world. Of course, this is Surprise Party, so there are actually three groups, they're significantly more makeshift than most, and if you thought you knew how the story of Final Fantasy VII goes, the Smash Fiction crew is here to make it go a very, VERY different way!
Of course, you don't need to know everything about Final Fantasy VII to enjoy the madness that ensues over the course of this episode. Hell, Miles is here for this one, and he doesn't know ANYTHING about Final Fantasy VII! But he does know how to draft a set of heroes from across the fictional multiverse that will compete in challenges from the video game in an effort to score the most points, win the most materia, and bet the most money on the chocobo races!
Who will win this contest of the sword, the staff, and the dreaded dumpus? Join us as we push the limits of allowable Surprise Party characters, weave intricate stories of sex and dating, and in the end, suffer a sudden but inevitable betrayal!
It's once again time for hackles to rise, fur to fly, and Kit to get unreasonably excited about animals as Smash Fiction goes on its very own incredible journey! Cruella DeVille is in the market for some new formal attire and has gotten her evil hands on five of the most iconic cats and dogs of 80s and 90s kids movies. However, thanks in part to the blundering of Cruella's credulous cronies, Horace and Jasper, our adorable fluffy heroes have managed to escape, and now face a daunting challenge -- surviving the perils and pitfalls of the English wilderness on the path back to their respective idyllic points of origin, all while continuing to avoid Cruella and her grasping goons. Milo the kitten and Otis the pug puppy, best friends since birth and no strangers to the most hostile conditions the directors of their movie could sadistically envision, have their experiences in an apparently human-free world and the wisdom of bizarre Japanese dream owls to draw upon. But loyal dogs Shadow and Chance, alongside Sassy, their Himalayan cat companion, have already demonstrated the powers of teamwork, lion launching, and inexplicable pipe physics in their previous adventures. Will the three house pets once again prove that they can't be stopped when they're homeward bound? Or will Dudley Moore agonizingly narrate the story of Milo and Otis emerging victorious, no matter how many winter caves containing sexy animal ladies stand in their way?
Brad Bultman is back again to collect experience points merely for surviving the encounter; Claire and Miles refuse to stop spinning their own contradictory narratives; Dan accidentally discovers how the human race will end; and Kit brings her own worst nightmares to life in the Lightning Round.