In the third installment of Smashtoberfest 2017, a certain ragged group of zombie apocalypse survivors hanging out in Georgia have officially seen just about all they care to see of the walking dead, especially now that winter is coming, and with it, rumors of some new kind of "ice zombies." Fortunately, they've received intelligence that somewhere in the frozen north, in a place that may or may not be Canada, lies a hidden cache of weapons, primarily swords and knives, made from a metal that could turn the tide in the group's quest for survival. If there are more deposits of this "Valyrian steel" in the area, it might even be worth moving up there, despite the cold of the season.
But Rick and the gang aren't completely stupid. Before anyone starts packing, they need someone to drive up there, scout the area, find the metal, and figure out if it's as effective as the rumors say. Of course, there will be walkers everywhere. As it turns out, more than one kind.
For a mission this dangerous, there's only one logical choice: Michonne, the katana-wielding uber-badass who slices through entire hordes like it's nothing. But is she prepared for what waits for her beyond the...Canadian border? Or will she fall to the mysterious species of ice-themed monstrosities known throughout Westeros as the white walkers...before rising again, with blue eyes?
Special guest hosts Jaime Smith and Money from the Unspoiled! Podcast Network join us for the first time this week, and quickly learn that when you play the game of Smash Fiction, you win, or you complain loudly about the judge's decision until the end of time. There is no zombie-infested middle ground.
Once again, thanks to Kevin MacCleod for use of his songs "Come Play With Me" and "Digital Bark."
Jinkies, gang! Some really strange stuff has been happening over at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza. Apparently the lovable animatronic animals have been walking around on their own, appearing suddenly in doorways while the Toreador March plays, and scaring the shit out of people before horribly murdering them. Looks like we've got a mystery on our hands!
Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby-Doo are determined to figure out what, exactly, is going on inside Freddy's, and they'll have five nights to do so using security cameras, an unreliable electrical system, and of course, the power of friendship. But Freddy, Bonnie, Chica and Foxy aren't exactly harmless children's entertainers. Can the Scooby Gang pull the mask off this mystery, no doubt revealing it the be the mundane scheme of a local elderly person? Or will Freddy and his friends put a premature end to the gang's investigative career...and start training them in their new jobs as corpses slowly rotting inside robotic animal suits?
Once again, thanks to Kevin MacCleod for use of his songs "Come Play With Me" and "Digital Bark."
Smashtoberfest is upon us once again, and we're kicking things off with a contest between two Stephen King villains -- specifically, two Stephen King villains who were brought to life by transcendent film portrayals! The Shining's Jack Torrance, fresh off his recent stint of axe redrum fueled by writer's block and hotel ghosts, is freezing to death in the snow when he is miraculously rescued by one of his biggest fans, serial killer Annie Wilkes of Misery! With his legs crippled from frostbite and a psychopath demanding he write her a novel without the use of the letter N, can Jack find a way to escape Annie's cabin and live to drink again with dead people? Or will Annie break his spirit (along with his ankles) and dispatch him before he sees the first printing of his brand new, curse-word-free book?
Also, we somehow manage to make an episode that seems to be legitimately scaring Liz Logan, but that simultaneously contains all the Treehouse of Horror references. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Special thanks to Kevin MacLeod for his songs "Come Play With Me" and "Digital Bark." Check out more of his work at www.incompetech.com
Well, looks like Team Ohana finally got themselves a nice, shiny trophy with its nice, shiny gem! Guess they can just lean back and relax now, right? ...oh wait, there's a giant Phyrexian invasion headed their way. I'm sure it'll be fine. They have all the warriors from the Nexus Tournament on their side, plus a bunch of other Extraordinary League members joining them. What could Phyrexia POSSIBLY have up their sleeve that could prove a threat to them? ...wait, what the hell is THAT?!
Dante meets his brothers in (bare) arms; Archer strengthens his Bonds; Stitch executes his most impressive throw yet; Mordin takes to the skies; Luna just wants to go to the zoo; and one of the characters won't make it out of Nexus City alive.
Special thanks to Objectivist Guitarist for this episode's awesome battle music! Check out his work at youtube.com/objectivistguitarist.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for September 2017. The original description follows:
Oh man, where to start with this bizarre song. As decided by many of you, I was tasked with writing a song about Dante's aversion to clothing. Honestly, I couldn't have been happier, so good job! In League, Dante really likes to tear his clothes off. I don't know how or why I came up with this character convention but it happened for better or worse. It's worked so far in game so it's probably here to stay.
Anyways, for the lyrics, I had to incorporate some fun events where the clothes tearing actually worked (sort of). During the fight with Dracula, Dante tore off his clothes and successfully stole his cape! During the League's stay in Westeros, there was a "romantic" rendezvous between Dante and Mordin, which, you guessed it! Involved Dante striking a bare ass pose.
For the music, I knew I had to do something strange. For the intro, I tried to emulate Sir Mix a Lot's "Baby Got Back" because I figured Dante probably thinks that is how people view him, the egomaniac! For the rest of the song, I tried to emulate Devil May Cry's hard rock soundtracks. I knew it had to be loud and crazy and full of distortion.
Thank you for listening.
LYRICS for "A Body of Art...Work"
Oh my God, have you seen Dante?
His abs are like, so defined.
Oh my God, how do you know that?
Oh my God, how do you know that?
Because he never wears a shirt silly!
Because he never wears a shirt silly!
Why would you want to hide it?
Don't you want to find it?
I'm basically beautiful,
And I've got a beard, that's important.
Things, kilts, footie pajamas, red coat, white shirt, black pants, big boots, I hate it all!
That's right, you heard me, I hate it all!
This is getting too long now and I don't know what to say anymore, LET'S GO!
TEAR IT OFF!
I've tried tank tops, I've tried coats and pants and those sweet ass boots.
Try a sock? I think not.
Nothing quite compares to that wind up my derriere!
And it looks really nice, I mean, I've been told that before, I believe it, uh anyways uh, moving on.
No one can resist my super good looking nakedness.
So why wear clothes, when I can strike a bare ass pose?
You cannot stop it, I know you like it, don't be ashamed because I cannot blame you.
I'm going to do my part, because my body is pure art!
TEAR IT OFF!
My power is increased, when my clothing is deceased.
Go ask Dracula.
My shining chest, is just the best.
Go ask Mordana.
I can't really talk well, but I'm really good at tearing shit off.
Clothes just suck a bunch, and I'd rather wear my lunch...ABLES!
Oh my God, Dante.
Even in the midst of the ever-expanding Astro-kerfuffle, if you've got a job, the crew of the Serenity can do it. Don't much care what it is. Even if the job is to help a weird guy named Zorg get his hands on four stones hidden inside the body of a blue alien opera singer. Mal and the gang converge on Fhloston Paradise and get immediately embroiled in all the screaming, shooting, exploding nonsense going on there, but in the confusion, River Tam, the genius telepath who "ain't quite right," slips away to find the stones by herself. She is soon confronted by a woman with orange hair and questionable taste in space fashion, the fifth element herself, Leeloo. Conflict is inevitable between these two supernaturally gifted warriors. Will River dance gracefully (and barefoot) over the fallen form of another opponent, or is Leeloo the only power in the 'verse that can stop her?
Dan and Miles team up against Kit and Sharon in a spousal battle of husbands and wives while MeganBob presides from her space throne! Also featuring conversations about sex, bodily functions, and Disney movies. But you already knew that.
This episode originally aired on Patreon as a public bonus episode in September 2017. The original description follows:
During some behind-the-scenes silliness, Space Jam came up in a random discussion (because of course it did). Kit requested that Miles isolate this clip of Liz and Bob's combined awesomeness to turn into an alert tone for her phone. Miles did the thing. And it was good.
Now we leave it here for all to enjoy and use for whatever space and hoop needs you may have.
In the latest match dictated by a Smash Fiction Patron, there's a dragon on the loose, and two dragon tamers in town! Well, one dragon tamer, at the very least; Berk native Hiccup Haddock literally wrote the book on how to train dragons, and has vowed to apply all his empathic Viking intuition toward bringing this new one into the fold. His rival is less of a trainer than a finder, and he's a finder less of dragons specifically than of fantastic beasts in general, but the wizarding world's own Newt Scamander is similarly determined to secure the beast within his not-terribly-secure magical briefcase. Will Hiccup find himself figuratively toothless against so powerful an opponent, or will Newt's worry-free philosophy backfire and cause him to suffer more than twice?
Featuring Kit at her angriest, MeganBob at her silliest, and the return of THE SPACE JUDGE.
In an airport bar somewhere in this terrifying, apocalyptic world in which modern youth consumption trends indicate that disaffected teens are no longer being swayed by advertising, 1960s Madison Avenue superstar Don Draper (not his real name) is currently engaged in a desperate attempt to get his job back after indulging yet again in his persistent hobbies of drinking and adultery. His challenge: to sell a bottle of awful (but, in fairness, totally metal) perfume to Daria Morgendorffer, the ultimate disaffected teen, Earth's foremost slinger of sarcasm and mutterer in monotone! Can Don break down Daria's walls and convince her to give in to her deepest desires, brought to you by Lucky Strike? Or will Daria crush the ad man's soul beneath the sheer force of her world-weary teenage nihilism?
Featuring anti-capitalist rants, passionate discussions about Mad Men, opening arguments in the form of a listicle, and the Smash Fiction debut of Claire Mulkerin!
With the dark truth behind the Nexus Tournament revealed, the League faces down the magic-using, shapeshifting villain who's been manipulating everything. Can they put a stop to his evil machinations? What about the trophy that they came here to get in the first place? And what new/old threat shows up to throw a monkey wrench into the whole business?
Dante is tempted by the dark side; Stitch becomes a living weapon; Archer performs a public service announcement; Mordin scavengers some new technology; and Luna's just the best, you guys.
Special thanks to FiendishSpirit for allowing us to use the main combat music in this episode! Check out his work at www.youtube.com/user/FiendishSpirit.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for August 2017. The original description follows:
We asked you what you wanted in the crosshairs of my neverending hatred, and the majority of you chose Terminator 2: Judgment Day, a film considered by many to be a legitimately great movie and considered by me to be kind of a pile of crap. The question of why I dislike Terminator 2 has been floating around the Smash Fiction oeuvre for a while now, and now the answer lies before you!
But this bonus episode isn't just me ranting! Our very own Colin Mulkerin joined me moments after exiting a theatrical screening of Terminator 2, and what you're about to hear is our in-depth conversation about the film, from shaky time travel continuity to surprisingly awesome 1991 special effects to James Cameron's inexplicable love of turning horror movies into action movies. Please enjoy, and thank you so much for your support!
...IN this week's episode...it's so simple! Well, the setup is simple enough. A terrorist, a modeling reality show, a disaster in the making, and only two people who can save the day and look great doing it. In this combined test of beauty and secret agent skills, there's no doubt that the legendary Derek Zoolander, three-time winner of the Best Male Model award and innovator of captivating looks like Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre, and of course, Magnum, has the advantage in terms of being really ridiculously good-looking. But even with the help of his partner, Matilda, can the would-be assassin of the Malaysian prime minister match up with the proven investigative abilities of Miss Congeniality herself, FBI agent and all-around asskicker Gracie Hart? And even with the assistance of renowned pageant coach Victor Melling, can Gracie survive the world of appearance-based reality television long enough to get the job done?
Please be advised, this particular installment of Smash Fiction is even more ridiculous than usual. Also, LIZ LOGAN RETURNS!!! (Those two things are only partially related.)
Colin is judging all the way from space this week (presumably because his bosses didn't like him) and his voice transmission got degraded a little from its trip through the wormhole, but all that does is make this sci-fi space bug throwdown sound even more like the horrific, world-ending event that it is. At least, that's what it is for Barsoom, aka Mars, when three hostile hordes of aliens descend upon that poor, doomed planet. Now the only question is, which of the three races will triumph over the others and claim everything there is to claim?
Will it be the xenomorphs, with their facehuggers and their acid blood and their surprisingly metal guitar skills? Or perhaps the tyranids, arrived from the grim darkness of the far future where there is only war (and, we assume, Smash Fiction)? Or will the Zerg Swarm, in all its creepy, mutating glory, prove victorious via the use of starcraft and...spellcasting?
Y'all know what to expect at this point. Kit makes frighteningly realistic animal sounds, Miles goes off on bizarre and pointless tangents, and Dan...well, Dan lists, ladies and gentlemen. Dan lists.
In the first of many matches conceived by one of our supporters on Patreon, Smash Fiction dives into the smoke-filled, neon-lit world of cybernoir! A Cylon has crash-landed in the futuristic city of San Fransokyo, and though it looks human, it seeks only to murder, destroy, and fuck with people's heads using big, scary words. Two detectives specializing in this manner of target, retired blade runner Rick Deckard and Section 9's Major Motoko Kusanagi -- or at least her "ghost", housed in a sort of "shell" -- are called in to track the Cylon down and show it what grim dystopian justice looks like. But of course, the two can't get along and demand to work individually, making it an investigative race to both track their quarry and take it down.
Will Deckard use his old-fashioned clue-seeking skills, weird eyeball tests, and questionable proficiency with steel piping to make Kusanagi want to throw herself in front of a tank? Or will the Major's computer brain, superhuman fighting skills, and deep questions about the nature of reality ensure that Deckard's chances of victory are lost like tears in rain?
Also, Kit asks the tough questions, Dan drops some inhumanity bombs on his unsuspecting co-hosts, Colin pulls out a Wayne Gretsky quote, Miles apparently thinks Blade Runner and Game of Thrones exist in the same universe, and MeganBob invents a butt-related alternative to the Turing test. As for how the episode ends...well, it's left deliberately ambiguous. OR IS IT?
Support Smash Fiction by becoming a Patron at www.patreon.com/smashfictionpodcast
The Lightning Round has broken free of its usual constraints and found its way over to Extraordinary League! Because apparently we now can't have a plot arc without a musical episode, Team Ohana is in a vicious battle of the bands against rival Team Adventquisitions Zonecorporated! Can the League pull out a musical win against these experienced adventurers? What dastardly tricks do Team Soul Edge have up their sleeve? And what world-shaking mysteries will be uncovered beneath Balboa Memorial Arena?
Also, Stitch dresses to the nines, Mordin gets into a battle of monologues, Dante's star power goes to his head, Miles tries out a new voice, Luna is reunited with an old friend, and Dan tests the waters for his new show, "Dan Mulkerin Explains the Plot of Meatloaf Songs."
Listen to the end for an excerpt from our bonus League episode, now available for our patrons at patreon.com/smashfictionpodcast!
Additional songs in this episode are "Feelin Good" and "Summon the Rawk" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
It wouldn't be Smash Fiction if our 2nd Anniversary Special wasn't released the day after our anniversary, so here it is! Clearly we're not getting any better, but our listeners inexplicably don't seem to care, and have positively flooded our inbox with questions for us to answer as we celebrate two years of mostly solid, but occasionally loose and watery, bullshit.
Join Liz, Dan, Kit, MeganBob, Miles, and Colin (all together on the same episode!) as they discuss their favorite Magic: The Gathering colors, which sit-com characters would make the best superhero team, where each of them stands on religion, and many other subjects both silly and serious. And thank you so much for helping us get where we are today, even if none of us are entirely sure where that is. We couldn't do it without you.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for July 2017. The original description follows:
Well, you did it. We sent out a poll at the beginning of the month to see which characters you'd like our hosts to play, and boy howdy did you respond. I just want to say that I claim zero responsibility for what ended up happening when this particular combination of characters was put together.
Seriously though, this episode ended up being extremely fun. Listen in to find out what happens when a ragtag group of League rejects is pulled in to defend a helpless Eternian town from a group of dangerous raiders... and sets out to figure out what's really going on. Speeches are given. Weapons are dropped. The Cheats are kicked. One of the characters spends about half of the episode running around naked. It's kind of great.
In this educational, no-nonsense episode (featuring very little education and a great deal of nonsense), two of fiction's sharpest-tongued and most magically bad-ass witches settle a long-standing grudge when a young man suddenly manifests more arcane power than anyone should be expected to control. With the boy in desperate need of training, a dark choice between freeform, experimental teaching methods and structured institutional learning lies before him, and Granny Weatherwax, the most feared practitioner of headology on the Discworld, and Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts' resident Transfiguration instructor and Quidditch enthusiast, are engaged in a battle for his very soul! Or at least the right to make cuttingly sarcastic comments about his attendance record.
Which witch will prevail in this duel not only of magical might, but of proving oneself a nurturing and effective instructor? RoShawn DiLodovico of the UNspoiled! Podcast joins Smash Fiction to help us find out, along with the likewise debuting Marissa Bond, who arrives to take on the entire goddamn patriarchy! Also, MeganBob has words for Albus Dumbledore (and none of them are "oddment" or "tweak"), Miles' years of childcare experience manifest in the theory that kids like 'splosions, and Kit starts collecting the weirdest baseball cards ever.
After a tense electoral race, the Patron votes are in, and the Mother of Dragons herself, Daenerys Targaryen, is returning at long last to Smash Fiction, and also returing at even longer last...to Westeros!
Well, that's what she figures, anyway. A major geographical miscommunication has led Dany and her sole remaining companion, Drogon, to a strange village called Irontown that sits beside a dark and mysterious forest. Considering the presence of huge local wolves and trees that are worshiped as gods, the Dragon Queen's mistake is an honest one, but as a result, she and Drogon now find themselves embroiled in heated battle against the god-wolf Moro and her adopted daughter, San, known in Irontown as Princess Mononoke. This Targaryen invader has brought fire and blood to their forest, and they will defend it to the death. Will Daenerys' conquest herald a new chapter in the song of ice and fire, or will San teach her the dangers of entering places marked "here there be monsters?"
Also, MeganBob brings a metaphor about teenage dragons to glorious life, Miles has obviously been reading too many technology thinkpieces, Dan and Colin don't believe you or anyone else can prevent forest fires, and Kit activates Weeaboo Mode.
Smash Fiction returns to its favorite large and unspecified setting -- SPAAAAAAACE -- for a match between artificial intelligences and their mutually amazing ability to hack computers, fly spacecraft, and keep a team of sci-fi commandos alive long enough to complete a vital mission.
When the expansive forces of Earth and Mars both seek control of a nearby moon, each side sends only the best in actually-people sentient technology. One group of would-be moon-conquerors is led by Cortana, destroyer of Halo rings, multiple-time savior of the galaxy, sexy blue hologram lady. The other is commanded by the Enhanced Defense Intelligence of the Normandy SR-2, aka EDI, defeater of Reapers, throaty-voiced proclaimer of whether something is or isn't a joke. Will Cortana ultimately be the AI with the most mass(ive) effect, or will EDI show her rival that the Covenant was child's play by comparison?
Featuring lots of awesome space words (space), a Lightning Round that has been a long time coming, and a blooper reel that truly lives up to its name!
Everyone knows cats and dogs don't play well together, and when the cats and dogs in question also happen to be deities, things can get pretty hairy. Responding to the desperate prayers of the demon-cursed town of Tristram, Amaterasu, Nippon's favorite wolf-shaped, celestial brush-painting sun goddess, and Aslan, the Lion (and occasional lamb) of Narnia, have arrived to lead their newfound flock out of the darkness and into a new golden age! But only one of them can be Tristram's new, extremely fluffy savior. Which god-animal will inspire the most faith, convert the most new followers, and, y'know, kill Diablo?
Featuring a hackles-raising argument about prophecy and magic ink supplies between Kit and Dan, a duel of the Narnia nerds between Miles and MeganBob, and Colin undergoing a fully-realized existential crisis.
Disclaimer: The opinions stated in this episode do not reflect our opinions on either Christianity or Shinto. No religious offense whatsoever is intended.
Additional thanks to Kevin MacLeod this week for the use of his song "Waltz of the Carnies."
The path to victory never runs smooth. In the case of the Extraordinary League, it means that the two groups they've most screwed over since their arrival in Nexus City have simultaneously arrived to pay them back for their misdeeds. Who could have possibly foreseen these entirely logical consequences?! Can the League defeat two groups of foes at once? Can they protect the innocent bystanders of Hannah Montana and Cambot? And what dark secrets of Nexus City will be revealed over the course of their investigation?
Tune in as Archer kills with his heart, Dante explores some wardrobe alternatives, Luna does some digging, Stitch tries a new type of cuisine, and Mordin holds nothing but contempt for you puny Earth people!
Things just keep getting worse for the Hamburglar. First his ex-employer placed a huge bounty on his head, then he had to find a way to improbably escape two of fiction's greatest manhunters-for-hire, and now that he somehow managed to pull that off, his life is in danger once again. All he did was steal the wrong cheeseburger -- John Wick's cheeseburger, to be precise. And during his escape from the authorities, he also managed to smash a potted plant that happened to be the best friend of Léon, the Professional. So now the Hamburglar has graduated from loudmouth mercs in various states of undress to cold-blooded hit men whose targets simply do not escape. The Hamburglar can hole up in as many secure safehouses protected by as many goons as he wants. There will still only be one question: Which master assassin will get to him first, leaving the other to experience the cold, empty sensation of revenge blue-balls?
Miles returns from his hiatus of happiness to explain all the things he didn't like about John Wick 2, Colin enlightens us about coincidentally-named game designers and the undeniable Frenchness of Jean Reno, Kit and MeganBob debate the viability of pencils as impromptu murder devices, and Dan shows the advocates what happens when their bosses don't like them...
Arthur "Aquaman" Curry and Namor "the Sub-Mariner" McKenzie may be the kings of their own respective Atlantises, but when a mysterious "BLOOP" draws the two maritime monarchs into a universe where Atlantis is ruled by neither of them... well, they have to take their frustrations out on someone, and it might as well be each other.
Will Aquaman's telepathy, divinely-gifted trident, and ability to throw submarines be enough to overcome Namor's tiny ankle wings, godlike widow's peak, and ability to throw tanks? Does Namor have a secret weapon hidden away in his green Speedo, or is Aquaman protected by too many layers of his own oft-retconned backstory? And just what made that mysterious "BLOOP" sound, anyway?
Joining us in this undersea duel to the death is frequent guest host Brad Bultman and first-time guest host (and host of the superb Titan Up the Defense podcast) Hub!
Billy and Jimmy Lee, the boys from Double Dragon, have finally hit their breaking point. Both desirous of the amorous attentions of the beautiful Marian (and both completely oblivious to her disinterest), the two have decided to settle this once and for all with a martial arts showdown!
But the boys aren't total idiots, and realize that they need to up their respective game before they throw down. Thus, Billy Lee seeks out Master Splinter, the rat-man mentor of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, while Jimmy Lee travels to Ba Sing Se to seek guidance from Iroh, who instructed his nephew Zuko in his struggles against Avatar Aang. Which aged martial arts master is better suited to guiding these young, punchy idiots to victory?
Joining us this week is frequent guest host Colin Mulkerin, as well as Lucas Brown, host of The Math of You podcast!