Due to a bizarre series of events involving Buddhist Sith Lords, Spanish Jedi, and Darth Vader's growing ennui (because Smash Fiction continuity is awesome) the First Order's new superweapon project -- a matching pair of new, improved, and fully-furnished Death Stars -- has been taken over by two certified crazy artificial intelligence programs. The first, all the way from the future year of 2001 (a space odyssey can turn into a time odyssey at any second/set of of coordinates) is the murderous red-eyed master of chess, art appreciation, and being afraid he can't do that, HAL 9000! The second, having ironically been pulled through a portal, is GLaDOS, the most psychologically sadistic killing machine ever to lie to your face about cake. Now they each have a Death Star (ho ho ho), and have set their sights on slaughtering the deliciously helpless stormtroopers inside.
Which A.I. can kill their Death Star's crew first in a human-murdering race that would be totally messed up if the victims weren't glorified space Nazis? How long can Miles' opening intro possibly be? (Hint: Colin is now determined to top it.) How do you pronounce GLaDOS, anyway? Why does Dan hate chess, and by extension, America? And how many Smash Fiction hosts are actually replicants?
Featuring the return of guest host Rafael Medina, who is absolutely a real human, no matter what the director's cut might imply. Yep. Totally, 100% hum-droid. I mean, human. That's what I said.
Come one, come all! In honor of the name day of King Joffrey I Baratheon, the hastily-named Troupe of the Wandering Storm is pleased to present a musical production of that most ancient and legendary tale, The Tragedy of Cecily and Andre! Script by Mordin Solus! Costuming by Nico Minoru! Flubbed dialogue by Dante Sparda! And featuring a once-in-a-lifetime performance by Stitch, aka the Amazing Lute Dog!
Passion! Betrayal! Emotion! Definitely not a smokescreen for a covert attempt to break into the Tower of the Hand for information about the Stone of Grace! One night only! Don't miss it!
Disclaimer: The Troupe of the Wandering Storm is not responsible for any damage, physical or psychological, that may be inflicted by daring escapes, random portals, face-melting guitar solos, or the unexpected appearance of pegasi.
(NOTE: The first few minutes of this episode contain spoilers for the outcomes of the previous 45 Smash Fiction matches. The spoiler-free part of the show begins at 9:08.) Happy one-year anniversary! We've had a lot of laughs, a lot of love, and even more bullshit and D&D references. We start the episode with a discussion of the bizarre Smash Fic continuity that has arisen--entirely unintentionally--and then we answer the questions that you, our fans, submitted! We discuss our favorite tabletop and video games, we talk about how matches are selected and decided, and we argue about whether Mexican food could defeat bacon in a fight. Thanks for an amazing first year!
In space, no one can hear you say "I'll be back." The final episode of our first year brings Smash Fiction full circle, right back to robot apocalypse scenarios and arguments about the creative capacity of cyborgs sent back through time. Only this week, instead of the Terminator, it's mother-of-humanity's-savior and armed-to-the-teeth bad-ass Sarah Connor blasting into action, on a mission to hunt down Sil, the sexy alien antagonist of sci-fi's most impressively cast B-movie, Species. However, Sarah isn't the only Sil-catcher in town. Consummate xenomorph survivor Ellen Ripley is also on the chase, bringing along a shotgun/flamethrower and her horrific (but instructive) experience with overprotective alien mothers spamming tongue fatalities. Which tank top-wearing, death-defying ass-kicker can deliver Sil's blonde/brunette/reptilian head to their client? Will Space Judge Liz be able to resist the temptation to do something awful with tentacles in the Lightning Round? And does Miles really think Species is a better movie than Terminator 2?
Programming note: Smash Fiction's one-year anniversary bonus episode will be released Monday, August 1st. The latest episode of Extraordinary League will be released Sunday, August 7th (you really don't want to miss this one), and your next regularly-scheduled Smash Fiction match will be released Sunday, August 14th.
Poor Kenneth Parcell. Ever since he took over as president of NBC, he's had to bend over backwards in order to keep the network afloat. It's not enough that he's had to rent out office space on the top floor of 30 Rock to both a real estate company as well as a quasi-legal cadre of secret agents, but now he finds himself pulling double duty as an executive assistant to the respective heads of those two companies, Lucille Bluth and Malory Archer! Both of these women have decided that THEY will be the one to break the perpetually cheerful Kenneth, but will it be Lucille who ultimately arrests his development, or will Malory put out a burn notice... on Kenneth's self-esteem? Anton Balane from Project Fandom and the Unspoiled! series of podcasts joins this gin-soaked tribute to the extraordinary Jessica Walter.
Let the first annual Smash Fiction Hunger Games commence! First, from the land of Westeros (where the high lords play their game of thrones), making up for the fact that she's probably too young for this contest by being a psychopathic murderer, Arya "No One" Stark! Next, from Oxford (or one of the Oxfords, at least, given the whole "Almighty Maker ordaining his dark materials to create more worlds" thing), armed with a golden compass and a sassy soul-sidekick, Lyra "Silvertongue" Belacqua! Transporting in from the 24th century (the next generation having been greatly enhanced by numerous treks through the stars, if you will), you either love to hate him or you just hate him, it's "Shut Up" Wesley Crusher! And finally, from California (or something), Her Immortal Majesty, Hannah "Totally Not Miley Stewart" Montana! Yes, you read that right. Dan and Miles use the same opening strategy, Colin makes judicious use of aluminum cans, and Liz Logan is advocating for Hannah Montana, in the Hunger Games. What else do you need to know? This episode is batshit insane and might just knock the entire podcast spinning right off the rails. Enjoy.
This Sunday, it's a Wasteful Billionaires Network spectacular! Two children, hoping to become the rich and famous stars of a new precocious kid/adorable pet TV program...but only one contract! Their two pets, one a bizarre blue alien experiment named Stitch (presumably dressed like Elvis), the other a bonafide dragon named Toothless (presumably trained by Vikings)! One network backlot filled with things for them to (non-lethally) hit one another with! Two coaches, Lilo and Hiccup, on the sidelines! Four advocates, including Kris and Katrina of the Gameable Podcast, making their return to Smash Fiction! One judge, getting steadily more drunk due to a barrage of RPG references! Plasma breath weapons, sneak attack hamsters, botanical #DanLists, reptile anatomy! The Battle of the Friendship Monsters! This Sunday, only on the Wasteful Billionaires Network!
As the League prepares to embark on its next mission, Stitch builds a nest and finds a guitar, Dante hits on a woman who is also a man, Mordin receives a very exciting gift, and Archer remembers the face of his father (which is weird, but whatever, it's a symbolic thing). Then, the team heads out once again, this time accompanied by the goth teen runaway sorceress Nico Minoru, and arrives in a strange medieval world in which the king is crazy, the keep is red, and your favorite characters are probably going to die! And you'll never guess the crazy-ass plan our heroes concoct to try and gain entrance to the royal court of King's Landing...
Even Mal Reynolds, captain of the Firefly-class transport ship Serenity and unrepentant atheist, and Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and longtime Force-skeptic, would have to admit that this match was destined to happen eventually. Via a series of events that can most accurately be described as "wormholes for days," the two notorious smugglers-with-hearts-of-gold find themselves trapped in a strange galaxy that can be most accurately described as "far," and "possessing the qualities of a scape." Only one roguishly good-looking sci-fi sex icon can find the wormhole generator and escape, so Mal and Han are thrust into a space race that involves not just sailing through the black and/or navigating asteroid fields, but negotiating the criminal underworld and shooting anyone who gets in the way. Much like the characters they're representing, our advocates talk fast and bullshit faster, squeezing in as many lies per second as possible while desperately attempting to avoid the consequences of their actions in a contest that can be most accurately described as "fucking ridiculous." Between Colin's lecture on pitch, yaw, and roll, Miles' canon-maligning opening song, Kit's betrayal of R2-D2, Dan's obsession with Steve Miller, and returning special guest Brad Bultman's treatise on the concept of coolness...well, seems we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us? Big damn nerds, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about the mess.
Where do bad folks go when they die? Well, if they're the most fiendish and depraved villains of the inaptly-named Final Fantasy franchise, it seems that they are consigned to an eternity of punishment with the confines of the dying arcade game system! Kefka, the other clown-faced psychopath, and Sephiroth, one-winged king of the unadvisable Google image search, come to blows amongst the smoking ruins of Mystara, the original Dungeons and Dragons game world, to see who can rule over, or simply murder, it's helpless inhabitants. Can Dan and Colin successfully demonstrate the principle of More Crazy = More Win? Will Liz and Kit's hair-and-perfume-based arguments prevail? Is Miles even listening to any of this? And...wait, how the hell did you get in here, sports?
The claws come out in this battle of black-clad cat burglars, as a swag soiree thrown by the Maharaja turns into the scene of a feline-themed crime! Upon their discovery that the fabled Pink Panther Diamond is hidden away somewhere in the palace, party-goers Selina Kyle and Felicia Hardy slip away from the crowd and into costumes that send Kit to her bunk. It's now a race to the prize between Catwoman (so good at theft, she stole Batman's heart) and the Black Cat (whose superpowers allow her to do everything except get lucky with Spider-Man). Which master criminal will beat the other through the network of security systems and armed guards and be the first to lay hands on the shiny? Can the advocates survive Liz Logan's latest accent/fit of method acting, her unending repetition of the word "space," and most importantly, the beautiful disaster that is this week's Lightning Round? They will have to be either insanely competent or superhumanly fortunate...as will you, dear listener!
Showdown in Jurassic Park! The heroes finally come to blows with the Phyrexians, but quickly find that the invaders have a surprise waiting for them. Thrill as Dante finds yet more vehicles to turn into flaming missiles! Gasp as Mordin's continued attempts at stealth are foiled by his teammates! Stare in awe as Archer and Stitch reach a potentially deadly impasse! And steel yourself for the truth about Doc Brown!
Twenty years after the original publication of A Game of Thrones, it's finally happened (well, in Smash Fiction continuity, at least): Daenerys Targaryen is, at long last, sailing home to Westeros! Now is the time for justice, for vengeance, for fire and bloo--wait, that doesn't look like Westeros. In general, Westeros tends to be less of a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash and dust...I mean, things can get pretty bad there, but I don't think you could say that the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume or anything. Yes, Dany has arrived at the land of Mordor (where the shadows fall -- it is known) and quickly decides that it must be brought down (that's what Daenerys Targaryen hates, so carefully, carefully, with the slaves). Dany has come, once again, as a a conqueror, but can her Unsullied army, brilliant tacticians, and non-Tolkien-style dragons successfully overcome the full strength of the hordes of Sauron, the Lord of the Rings? Featuring Dan's Dothraki accent (yes, we've moved on to offending fictional races, too), Miles' insensitivity towards Memorial Day, Kit's dragon color confusion, Special Guest Cohost Meganbob's graphs (which inexplicably do not translate well to the podcast format) and Also Special Guest Cohost and Host of the Unspoiled! Podcast Natasha Kingston's Dungeons and Dragons references (because she just wants to make everyone take another shot).
A seat has opened up in the Great Board of S.C.I.E.N.T.I.S.T., composed of the most brilliant scientific minds in all dimensions, and fictional braniacs everywhere want in...but none more so than the ancient, doomsday device-collecting head of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, and the whiskey-burping sociopath known throughout the multiverse as Rick Sanchez. With only 30 days to prove why they deserve the seat, Farnsworth gathers his crew with a hearty "Good news, everyone" and Rick drags a groaning Morty away from another school assignment, and the contest is on! For science! Will Farnsworth's senility win out over Rick's alcoholism? Does the Portal Gun trump the Fing-Longer? Will Dan Harmon's evil time traveling scheme finally be revealed? And has Colin officially mastered the art of character impressions during lengthy scenario set-ups? Featuring special guest host Jason Ahlquist of MarsDust.net and AboutTomorrowFilm.com.
It's an ancient game, a dance that has played out over and over again since time immemorial, a deadly ballet of hunter and hunted, predator and prey...hide and seek! But if the legendary Boba Fett wants to maintain his reputation as the most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy, he has his work cut out for him this time. His targets are two of the most elusive figures in history (literally): international crime lord and A-list alliteration ace Carmen Sandiego, and the wide-eyed red-and-white enigma known as Waldo, or Wally, or any of a dozen other names. Which of these masters of hiding and escape is destined for a life of carbonite wall decoration? Are there any limits to the breadth and depth of the unbelievable bullshit utilized by the advocates in this match? (Spoiler: No. No, there are not.) And in a contest this silly, how terrifying could Kit's Lightning Round possibly be? Special thanks to Kevin MacLeod (www.incompetech.com) for use of his song "Day of Chaos." Those last two sentences are entirely unrelated. Really.
Notch...draw...bullshit! In a desperate effort to keep King Joffrey Baratheon from being bored on his name day, four of the greatest archers in all fiction have been summoned to compete in a great archery contest to determine the ultimate master of the archerial arts (copyright Colin Mulkerin). Can Legolas' elf eyes see the target (perhaps the color of that tower over there is a sign of blood and victory)? Can Hawkeye overcome the ridiculous comic book continuity that made him deaf, and then not deaf, and then deaf again? Can Merida survive our atrocious attempts at Scottish accents? Can Robin Hood somehow explain how the hell that one crazy shot in the Disney movie actually worked (and also how foxes can use bows without thumbs)? The competition is about to begin! Listeners, to your "play" buttons!
The League's adventures in Jurassic Park continue as Mordin Solus, Dante Sparda, Sterling Archer, and Stitch -- along with their new companions, Lara Croft, Roland Deschain, Zero, and a friendly velociraptor -- try to escape this world of reptilian tyrants while thwarting the mysterious goals of their Phyrexian oppressors! Can they overcome Slash Panther scouts, an angry Apatosaurus, and a GODDAMN T-REX on their path to victory? Can Dante and Archer survive their own tendencies toward motorcycles and stunt manuevers? Will Mordin hit on Lara out of sheer spite? And are there any limits to Stitch's strength...or his bizarre creativity?
Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games! Following a mysterious sign from above, Shere Khan, the most feared predator in all of India, has left his usual hunting grounds and set his sights on becoming the new king of the Serengeti. But of course, the land's present ruler, King Simba, might just have something to say about that! It's the ultimate battle of the big cats, a fight of fur and fang and feline fury! Will Simba's lion judo prove a match for Khan's tiger aikido? Do resplendent stripes trump a glorious mane? And are there no limits to Miles' complete ignorance of all things animal-related? Find out on this Disney-centric episode of Smash Fiction, featuring a surprise appearance from (gasp) Kris Newton of the Gameable Podcast!
In a bizarre confluence of Smash Fiction continuity, Iago has made off with the Tome of Eternal Darkness! Two of the noir-iest spell-slinging detectives in the English-speaking world are called upon to find the missing book: Chicago's Harry Dresden and London's John Constantine! Only one can track down the Tome and defeat his rival, but who will be walking away the winner? And can they master the best/worst school of magic of all in the Lightning Round?
As an undisputed master of catching them all (even the deadly and mysterious 151st) a bored Ash Ketchum simply can't resist the lure of an entire island populated by exotic and new species (or rather, very old species). Unfortunately for Ash, by the time he arrives, the power has gone out, the electric fences are offline, and the genetically engineered dinosaurs of Jurassic Park are rampaging straight into combat against Ash and his six diversely-powered Pokemon. Raptors and severed arms fly everywhere as a Japanese cartoon fight song blares in the background, and the battle is joined! The hosts of the SupNerds podcast, Taulbee and Spike, guest star as Smash Fiction attempts to determine whether Ash will successfully add "Dinosaur Types" to his collection, or if Jurassic Park can get #LifeFindsAWay trending worldwide.
The League's adventures continue as they search for lost comrades in a dinosaur-infested jungle and uncover an unsettling truth about one of their own. Can Stitch make friends with monsters? Will Mordin finally get to perform some science for once? Will Archer's night vision goggles actually prove useful? Will Dante's clothes survive the journey? And which new characters from the worlds of pop culture will be joining the ever-expanding cast of the League?
Bet you folks didn't see this coming! Smash Fiction's April Fool's Day bonus episode is the shortest, craziest, most self-indulgent show yet! Who will prevail in this Battle of Mulkerins (featuring the return of the great and terrible Tim Mulkerin) as Dan and Colin duke it out in paranoid cabin fever combat to determine which brother has the most talent, the best strategy, and the coolest hair? How far can Liz push the limits of the Lightning Round? Would you rather fight fifty duck-sized Hulk Hogans or one Hulk Hogan-sized duck? All these questions and more will be answered in a podcast that will make you love and (hate) the fact that there is such a thing as the first of April!
In space, no one can hear you swipe through Tinder -- sorry, Space Tinder. Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Jane Shepard, each on a mission to find some space lovin', wind up at a party in Mos Eisley Spaceport, where their respective bragging about their romantic prowess quickly leads to a competition. Who can become the most popular sci-fi hero in the club and go home with the most space hotties? Will Kirk's legendary libido see him through yet another challenge, or will Shepard select all the right dialogue options to get to those sweet, sweet cutscenes? Also, Dan tries to convince Miles to play Mass Effect, Colin eats carrots (stealing Kit's gimmick in the process) and Liz Logan presents yet another batshit insane Lightning Round.
Kids today. First it's pot, then it's telekinesis, and the next thing you know, an abused, introverted rage monster like Carrie White is rampaging all over Shermer High School. This is exactly why you stay away from that Mutant Growth Hormone, young people; try it once, and you could wind up covered in blood and setting towns on fire. Fortunately for Shermer High and it's stellar detention attendance record, a much more positive role model has stepped in to try and calm Carrie down, or failing that, maybe just blow up her head. Enter Matilda Wormwood, precocious child prodigy and fellow proponent of mind over matter. See? You don't need drugs, children. All you have to do is read lots of books and get really smart -- actually, wait, don't do that, either. Sit down and watch TV.
Can Matilda stop Carrie's murderous telekinetic wrath? Can we actually kill a six-year-old girl on our show? Can Miles read Dan's mind? And most importantly, can Kit and Liz stop making jokes about menstruation for, like, two seconds?
They hunt their targets, they swing awesome swords, they quip with the best, and they look damn good (in red) doing it! But on Smash Fiction, the devil who might cry sometime when no one is looking but probably not, Dante Sparda, and the fourth-wall-breaking merc with the mouth, Deadpool, face their greatest challenge yet: somehow getting past another bounty hunter who can't really be killed by anything, ever. After another one of Colin's trademark long-winded scenario set-ups, Liz leads the charge in defense of her beloved Extraordinary League Character; Dan gets the first ever podcast yellow card; Miles delivers what might be an argument and what might be a legitimate on-air seizure; and guest host MeganBob returns to explain to everybody why these two bad-asses are totally going to have sex. Nothing in the multiverse can prepare you for the upcoming insanity. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. McDonald's: Because it's about time somebody assassinated the Hamburglar.