A dispute over a minor magical artifact turns into a battle of the dark princesses of fighting games, as whip fetishist and least-dressed Soul Calibur character Ivy Valentine takes on Darkstalker's resident bat-winged succubus, Morrigan Aensland, and the fan-flinging queen of Kombat, Princess Kitana, in the first actual straight-up combat match of Season 3! Will Ivy's use of the Soul Edge be enough to overcome the disadvantages conveyed on her by the basic rules of boob physics? Will Morrigan's combo-spamming techniques and shapeshifting abilities win the day over her better-known foes? Or will Kitana just inexplicably turn everyone into babies and be done with it?
Also, the hosts perform an experiment to determine just how many terrible puns can fit in one episode, James Bond suffers a quick and hideous death, and for the second time in Smash Fiction history, somebody says the words, "Fuck you, Miles."
This week's episode is brought to you by Corn Nuts and "The Aughts."
Some difficulties during recording mean that this episode is a bit shorter than normal, but you still get a giant helping of Mushroom Kingdom action and intrigue! The League (and their new companion) have been found by Koopa Troops--it looks like their quest to free the land from Bowser won't be an easy one. Can the League stand up to some of their weirdest enemies yet? And what ill-advised and hideously impractical plan will they come up with to infiltrate an entire stronghold of these things?
Dante goes old school; Luna makes sure everyone gets enough to eat; Stitch tries on some new kicks; Nico goes her own way; and Vivian REALLY plays against type.
We've got winter sports fever here at Smash Fiction, so we've put together the ultimate showcase of figure skating athleticism for your listening pleasure! Japan's Yuri Katsuki joins with his rival, Russia's Yuri Plisetsky, as the team known as Yuri(s) on Ice--and they had better be prepared to make history, because their opponents are the legendary Americans Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy, better known as the Blades of Glory!
Men will spin. Ice will be sliced. Same-sex coupling will be strongly implied. Will judge Dan be won over by Kit and Meganbob's contention that the Yuris' passion, love of pork, and actual visible skating skill will win the day? Or will Claire and special guest advocate Brad Bultman come flying down from the sky and successfully argue that skating prowess and blatant absurdity are not mutually exclusive?
It's another episode of Smash Metafiction, featuring the debut of a new experimental game -- Surprise Party! Drawing from fictional characters across the multiverse, the Smash Fiction hosts build their own adventuring parties of fighters, rogues, mages, clerics, and bards (not to mention the dreaded "dumpus") and see whose team can best complete the trials and tribulations of a previously existing story. In the inaugural episode, Dan guides three cobbled-together character coalitions through the plot of The Lord of the Rings, scoring them from best to worst in a series of contests that will, ultimately, determine which party successfully casts the Ring of Power into the fires of Mount Doooooooooooom!
Will Sauron be defeated (by Claire's commitment to Jedi pacifism)? Will Middle-Earth be saved (thanks to a bunch of weirdos that only Miles has ever heard of)? Will Kit show up with any characters that are human and/or have the ability to speak? There's only one way to find out: Listen, you fools!
Well, listeners, it's finally happened. It was inevitable, really. It was clear right from the beginning that one day, these events would occur. Most of us never believed in the prophecy, but here we are. Smash Fiction has finally, officially caught the slashfic bug (MeganBob is actually the disease's primary carrier, so yeah, should have seen that one coming). Not only that, but we've infected the Gameable Podcast with it, as well. Kris and Katrina had no choice but to return to our show once again, this time for a series of arguments that would be purely speculative if they weren't so completely obvious.
Smash Fiction's pledge has always been to answer the big questions, and this week, we tackle one of the biggest there's ever been. If, in one room, you were to put James Tiberius Kirk captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and his first officer, Commander Spock, and in another room, you put Frodo Baggins and his faithful friend and gardener, Samwise Gamgee...which hypothetical dream couple would be the first to throw out their inhibitions and get busy? Will Kris use the sheer depth of his Lord of the Rings philosophy to defeat Dan's insistence on things like facts and evidence? Will Katrina realize her secret destiny as a wedding planner? Will MeganBob somehow be able to prevent herself from shipping other characters during this process? And how can Claire possibly make a decision between the two? At long last, the definitive answers to all these questions lie within your grasp...if, that is, your mind can survive the experience.
Now that the siege on Castle Grayskull has been broken, the League is finally able to catch their breath and begin to rebuild. Old injuries are addressed, new status quos are examined, and threats are flung in every direction. And finally, the League finds a new lead in their struggle against Phyrexia, which leads them to a new world... a very, very strange new world.
Stitch plays keep-away; Nico redefines anti-social behavior; Luna hands out swag; Dante looks into some upgrades; and Mordin has an important decision to make.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for January 2018. The original description follows:
Thanks to your continued support, I am... proud?... to bring you the latest bonus episode of Extraordinary League!
It all started with a simple question I posed to myself: what would happen if a bunch of League characters got on a train? The answer ended up involving a lot more improvisation, sky pirates, and ghosts than you might initially think. I'm so grateful to all of you for making this possible--I hope you have as much fun listening to to it as we had making it.
What happens when the Opera Populaire's legendary Phantom and the man known as Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street, start killing people simultaneously in a Paris that is now under the steely-eyed watch of the miserable but constantly rules-enforcing Inspector Javert? Why, the most musical episode of Smash Fiction in history, of course! As Todd and the Phantom attempt to avoid the investigative attentions of the good inspector (well, the lawful neutral inspector, at least), all the SmashFic hosts break into song, at least one of them raps, the long-lost Musical Round returns, and Rafael Medina is here, so some of it actually sounds good!
Will the Phantom leave one last chronology-muddling rose on his enemy's grave, or will Sweeney Todd have a brand new flavor of pie to sell in Mrs. Lovett's shop? And how much singing is there in this episode, really? (Hint: So much. There's so much singing.)
In the inaugural episode of Smash Metafiction, Claire guides the Smash Fic hosts through a collaborative storytelling exercise that we like to call... Collaboratory. For reasons that are evident over the course of the show. Actually, you get to hear the conversation in which we decide on that name. It's fun times.
Each of the hosts shows up with an existing fictional character or archetype, as well as a story element, including genre, setting, goal, and MacGuffin. Then, using screenwriting steps and structure from the book Save The Cat, they combine these disparate parts into a new, greater, and only slightly disfigured whole! This time around, sitcom characters terrorize the high seas, there's definitely room in the cast for Lady Gaga, and you'll never guess who Kit brings to the table...
Son of a...really, magic? Really? All we were trying to do was cast a simple spell to create a podcast episode where two bumbling, no-talent magicians square off in a contest of raw incompetence. But damn, we must have gotten something wrong, because this episode is way too competitive and full of sex jokes, not at all the light-hearted romp we were going for. Oh well. Maybe no one will notice...
Anyway, after years of enjoying a total dearth of animated brooms dancing around and flooding his workspace, celebrated Disney sorcerer Yen Sid is finally ready to take on another apprentice. The only problem is, he has two apprentices. The Orko kid seems to have all kinds of raw magic ability, but also a disturbing lack of skill, focus, or a voice that doesn't grate down Yen Sid's spine. And Rincewind...well, he claims to be a "wizzard" already, and he's quick on his feet, but he's also the unluckiest, most thoroughly non-magical individual Yen Sid has ever encountered. The sorcerer is a patient man, but a busy one, as well; he only has time to take on one of these two projects. Will it be the Trollan jester from Castle Eternia, or the Discworld's most notorious nobody? And more importantly, what insights about gay iconography and 1980s progressivism did MeganBob glean from her first viewing of the He-Man animated series?
The final showdown between the League and Demona has arrived, with the Power of Grayskull hanging in the balance! Can Helena's newfound might help the heroes to stand against Demona and her army of weirdly-themed villains? Who will become the new Sorceress of Grayskull? And what ever happened to those other five characters that were standing guard at Castle Grayskull, anyway?
Stitch takes on an army; Mordin puts his newest invention to the test; Dante loses something important; Nico has an unexpected reunion; and Helena fights for honor.
Also used in this episode is "Killers" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for December 2017. The original description follows:
Welcome to another bonus episode featuring your favorite curmudgeonly Smash Fiction host ranting about something he hates! This time around, you folks voted for something that most other people hate, too--the Star Wars prequels. Dan Mulkerin joins me for a discussion on all things that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, with emphasis on how, why, and to what degree Episodes 1-3 sucked. From Jesus analogues to death by loss of willpower to inexplicable hostility toward sand, the prequels don't stand a chance against us. After all, we have the high ground.
With a mind-melting 100 episodes in the can, it's once again time for Smash Fiction's season finale, the Smash Bash Championship! All six hosts join forces yet again, this time to draft teams of five Season 2 victors. These teams will then be tested in the Lightning Gauntlet -- no fewer than SIX ridiculous Lightning Rounds in a row! The winners of these Lightning Rounds will go on to compete in the Ultimate Smashdown, a final fight to determine the new Smash Fiction champion! Who will assume the throne? Who will be found wanting? How long can we possibly sustain this amount of bullshit?
Incidentally, given the fact that you all somehow allowed us to reach 100 episodes, the answer to that last question appears to be "pretty damn long."
100 episodes. Holy shit. We don't entirely know how this happened, but we do know that it wouldn't have happened without all of you. So thank you, from the bottom of all our cockles, and as a small token of our appreciation, please enjoy 80 whole minutes of the six regular Smash Fiction hosts going completely fucking insane, in their own unique ways. You don't actually need to have seen Lord of War, Gone In 60 Seconds, Deadfall, Bangkok Dangerous, or G-Force. You just need love (and Nicolas Cage) in your heart. And deep down inside, everyone has that. Welcome to Cage Match 3...
...and Merry Cagemas!
Question: For about an hour, why was the Fire Princess' kingdom Armageddon?
Answer: THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT!
Four fire-themed characters turn up the heat on one another and the advocates deliver some burns of their own in an appropriately aggressive elemental contest. Will Zuko's fire-bending and general moodiness make him a Smash Fiction avatar? Will Kit's tendency to get SUPER close to the mic when she's angry help her defend her beloved Roy Mustang? Will Chandra Nalaar use her interplanar wizardry and her incredible collection of quotes to burn her enemies to ash? Or will Miles' love of the New Warriors and unending supply of bullshit comic book science allow him to unleash Firestar's true power?
Also, MeganBob is the least judgmental judge of all time, Kit reviews Full Metal Alchemist in both manga and anime form, and Miles steadfastly refuses to learn anything about the actual story of Magic: The Gathering.
With another Star Wars movie upon us, the Smash Fiction crew Force-leaps back into the world of magic mind bullets and dueling space priests, a place where lightsabers clash, lightning flies, and red laser shields turn on and off for, like, no reason! A long time ago (though definitely in the same galaxy) we battled to determine the most powerful lord of the Sith. At some point in our grimy, intricately lived-in future, we will determine the worthiest of the Jedi Masters. But now, in Smash Fiction's personal Empire Strikes Back, we dive into the Expanded Universe like a one-handed farm boy falling out of a space station to decide whether Revan, the most notable Knight of the Old Republic, or Galen "Starkiller" Marek and his tendency toward unleashing the Force, is the greatest of the "gray" Jedi -- those whose hearts and minds have been touched by both the darkness and the light.
Neal Butler returns to fulfill his destiny, that being to answer questions such as: Which of these competitors will prove themselves the ultimate master of heavy-handed symbolic moral ambiguity? Which will be condemned to eternity as a computer-generated blue ghost? And does it really matter if anyone has the high ground?
Also, Dan gets super concerned about spoiling an extremely old video game, MeganBob pitches her documentary series about the plight of the side characters in the Star Wars universe, and Kit calls upon the full power of the Feisty Side.
It's a dark time for our heroes as the traitorous Demona has claimed the Power of Grayskull! Unable to face her and her forces directly, the League is forced to resort to sneakier, subtler, and smarter tactics--and if there's one thing we've learned about this group of heroes, it's that they're great at showing restraint and good judgment! Right? ...right?
Mordin develops a new persona; Stitch brings the house down; Nico becomes a real SJW (social justice wizard); Dante wrestles a gorilla; Helena finds honor worth fighting for; and the group is joined by an unexpected ally.
Oh, what an episode! What a lovely episode! When Furiosa, the most feared and respected Imperator of post-apocalyptic Australia suddenly escapes with Immortan Joe's wives, she expected at least a few of them to follow her tire tracks across the Outback. Fortunately, they're unable to do that, because one of the Citadel's prisoners, a mysterious blonde woman in a yellow jumpsuit, has taken advantage of the chaos created by Furiosa's escape to murder literally everyone with her bad-ass katana. Unfortunately, this MPAA-defying murder machine was originally captured by Furiosa herself, and has a knack for holding a grudge. Before long, Beatrix Kiddo has acquired a blood-stained motorcycle and taken off after the War Rig, determined to cross one last name off her list. Will the Citadel's most wanted pull the trigger on another astounding sniper shot, make her escape, and find her redemption? Or will the infamous Black Mamba track down her prey on the Fury Road and fulfill her promise to Kill...Furiosa?
Note: Miles and Claire are sadly suffering the consequences of recording audio after the apocalypse, but to be honest, they only thought it would be that easy for a second there.
Hey kids, it's time for another zany Sunday morning episode of Smash Fiction, starring your wholesome, ratings-friendly host, Hedonismbot! This week, the immensely positive role model that is this golden monument to robotic indulgence has captured two other characters and is demanding that they fight in his Romanesque arena, before a crowd of cheering fans, that the combat might slake his boredom for a few microseconds. Brought to you by Ovaltine!
Of course, this isn't a fight to the death -- we have sponsors to bend over backwards to not offend, after all. Instead, the winner of this battle will be the participant who puts on the best show and gives the crowd the most entertainment. Will legendary toon television star Roger Rabbit pick himself up yet again and demonstrate the true power of laughter? Or will the high-powered, Loki-infested superhero known as The Mask prove that, no matter how many times he asks, nobody will, in fact, stop him?
Also in this episode:
This episode originally aired on Patreon as a public bonus episode in November 2017. The original description follows:
Since we try to keep our episodes around an hour long, sometimes Miles has to leave a lot of side talk on the cutting room floor. But sometimes that side talk is just a little too...flavorful.
Enjoy this free-for-all pre-show bonus snippet from our Thor/Wonder Woman episode, but beware. It's a little spicy.
By the unlikely beard of Sappho! Thanks to the machinations of that fiendish trickster, Loki, the Smash Fiction Podcast must now engage in a contest of divinity that not even Claire can escape! Thor Odinson, God of Thunder and Prince of Asgard, and Diana, Goddess of War and Princess of Themyscira, each believe the other to be a nigh-unstoppable villain, and with a written sound effect that jumps right off the page, they come together in a whirling maelstrom of impossible physics. Will Thor once again prove himself worthy of the mighty hammer, Mjolnir, by using it to vanquish one of the DC Universe's most powerful? Or will Wonder Woman once again demonstrate that neither man, nor marvel, nor god is a match for the greatest warrior among the amazons?
Matias Tautimez joins the show for some super-powered math calculations, a strange, tingling feeling of consensus falls upon the lightning round, and Miles gently suggests that you kids get the hell off his lawn.
With the memory of their harrowing escape from Nexus City still fresh in their minds, the League decides to take some well-deserved downtime in Castle Grayskull. But it turns out that even extremely well-fortified magical sanctuaries aren't completely impervious, and when an old friend and a new enemy set their sights on the Power of Grayskull, the League will have to step up to defend it... or die trying.
Nico gets lost in her reading; Mordin seeks to do the impossible three times over; Stitch finds some loose change; Helena introduces herself with cake; and Dante sounds huskier than ever.
This episode originally aired as the Patreon bonus episode for October 2017. The original description follows:
Hey folks. This month our bonus content is gonna be part of a possible series that I'm calling "Itchy Brains," where for once in our miserable lives, we yell a little less and think a little more. Each episode, we address some sort of concept in creativity by discussing how it has been applied for good or for ill in your favorite art, then guess what! We also talk about how the principles that we discuss can be used when you make works of art of your own.
This time, me and Dan and Kit are talking about "Unanswered Questions" through the examples of Steven Universe and Shadow of the Colossus. Why are there five gems on that door? What's a Dormin? What am gem? Why eating lizards make climb good? WARNING: If you listen to this episode, you'll never have an excuse to write terrible exposition again!
Let us know what you think and if you're interested in hearing more!
Smashtoberfest '17 comes to an explosive end in the second of our episodes that could realistically be titled "#YesAllDraculas!" The Count Dracula from Bram Stoker's most famous work has been killed, leaving a dangerous instability in the Dracuverse. The position of Dracula Prime must be filled, and several alternatives arrive. One Dracula! Two Draculas! Three Draculas! FOUR DRACULAS! Ah ah ah!
Which lord of vampires will defeat his opponents and ascend to the rightful ruler of Transylvania? Will Castlevania's Dracula develop a strategy beyond teleporting and throwing fireballs? Can Marvel's Dracula use spacecraft, death rays, and the Internet to eliminate the competition? How will the movie Van Helsing's Dracula leverage his swarm of gross, flying rat-babies? And what in the name of Lion Jesus is Dracula: Dead and Loving It's Dracula doing here?!
Once again, thanks to Kevin MacCleod for use of his songs "Come Play With Me" and "Digital Bark."
In the third installment of Smashtoberfest 2017, a certain ragged group of zombie apocalypse survivors hanging out in Georgia have officially seen just about all they care to see of the walking dead, especially now that winter is coming, and with it, rumors of some new kind of "ice zombies." Fortunately, they've received intelligence that somewhere in the frozen north, in a place that may or may not be Canada, lies a hidden cache of weapons, primarily swords and knives, made from a metal that could turn the tide in the group's quest for survival. If there are more deposits of this "Valyrian steel" in the area, it might even be worth moving up there, despite the cold of the season.
But Rick and the gang aren't completely stupid. Before anyone starts packing, they need someone to drive up there, scout the area, find the metal, and figure out if it's as effective as the rumors say. Of course, there will be walkers everywhere. As it turns out, more than one kind.
For a mission this dangerous, there's only one logical choice: Michonne, the katana-wielding uber-badass who slices through entire hordes like it's nothing. But is she prepared for what waits for her beyond the...Canadian border? Or will she fall to the mysterious species of ice-themed monstrosities known throughout Westeros as the white walkers...before rising again, with blue eyes?
Special guest hosts Jaime Smith and Money from the Unspoiled! Podcast Network join us for the first time this week, and quickly learn that when you play the game of Smash Fiction, you win, or you complain loudly about the judge's decision until the end of time. There is no zombie-infested middle ground.
Once again, thanks to Kevin MacCleod for use of his songs "Come Play With Me" and "Digital Bark."