Just in time for our action-packed 70th episode, your favorite wrist-bladed, plasmacaster packing, drawn-out laughing manhunter is back! Only this time, there's three of them, they're from a different clan, and they've abducted the Ol' Canucklehead himself, Wolverine! Straight from the 2010 film Predators, the Berserker, the Tracker, and the Falconer have taken the X-Men's resident quick-healing, cigar-chewing Canadian to a planet with the unfortunately on-the-nose name of Pandora, a place where the mountains float, the air is toxic, and giant blue-skinned aliens called Na'vi use their hair to have sex, or something.
But leaving aside James Cameron's bizarre science fiction sensibilities, the Predators have made Logan the prize in the galaxy's deadliest game. In competition with each other, they are now hunting Marvel's most popular mutant, with the winner earning a skull-and-spine trophy laced with adamantium. But when you hunt Weapon X, there's always the risk that you will ultimately become the hunted. Will Wolverine prove that he is, in fact, the best in the world at what he does? Or will the Predators do to him what they did to that guy who got to play Venom that one time?
Brad Bultman returns to put forth one of the most physics-defying (but strangely consistent with the 90s animated X-Men series) theories in Smash Fiction history. Also, Dan goes head-to-head with every accent in the world, Miles explains why director Antal Nimród is a Time Lord, Liz Logan's claws come out with a signature "snikt" in defense of her namesake character, and MeganBob has way too much fun at summer camp.
These are just a few of the audio tracks we've recorded, and as you can hear, it isn't what we thought. There's been no war here, Well, unless you count the huge cross-dimensional space war that has ensnared ships and characters from across the science fiction multiverse. Even so, it's still definitely the Pax. The G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate that some idiot brought onto a Rebel starcruiser. Now, some people on the ship are just sitting around letting themselves die, while others are acting violently aggressive and totally insane.
Fortunately, thanks to the war, this particular starcruiser happens to be carrying two of the multiverse's most capable scientists -- the salarian doctor/spy/geneticist Mordin Solus, and the half-human, half-Vulcan Enterprise science officer, Mr. Spock. Unfortunately, only one of them can solve the Pax problem and save the ship, while the other will be unceremoniously space-fired. Will Mordin use the combined mass of his scientific intelligence to the greatest possible effect? Or will Spock prevail via the knowledge and experience he has gained on his trek through the stars?
Colin Mulkerin guest hosts once again to represent his beloved Extraordinary League character, though Miles manages to both steal his favorite Mordin quote and put forth an alternative theory as to who, in fact, invented time travel. Also, MeganBob takes a stand for the complexity of sex between alien species, Dan yells a one-syllable name that isn't Doom, and Liz Logan takes her Space Judge character to its furthest extreme.
Spy vs. spy takes on a whole new meaning this week, as the rebooted (but still all kinds of suave) MI6 agent known as 007 and the amnesiac ex-CIA agent Jason Bourne attempt to beat each other to the most valuable prize in the field of government espionage: the information hidden inside the head of Dr. Evil's beloved Mr. Bigglesworth! But first, of course, they will have to escape from one of the supervillain's famously impractical death traps, fight their way through hordes of goons, sneak the baldest of all felines out of the Virtucon building in Seattle, and hijack a vehicle to get them to the airport -- and victory!
Will James Bond, fully powered with the essence of Daniel Craig, overcome his propensity for getting women killed and escape with the vital intelligence needed to finally take down the pernicious paterfamilias and his patented pinky gesture? Or will Bourne, despite the loss of his identity, prove his spying supremacy and deliver the final ultimatum?
Colin Mulkerin returns, this time as our first-ever guest judge, to deliver what might be the funniest (and longest) intro scenario in podcasting history. Also, Miles shockingly brings up professional wrestling (but pays dearly for it in the end), MeganBob postulates a magical golden dick, Dan takes the Casanova Fallacy to a whole new level, and Liz Logan is just so damn happy that we're doing this match.
Still bearing the scars of their adventures in Westeros, the League gets some well-deserved R&R in the halls of Castle Greyskull. However, they are soon sent on their next mission into a world unlike any they've been to so far... and they learn of the unusual task before them in claiming the next gem. Did somebody say... tournament?
Meanwhile, Dante does some interior decorating; Nico does some light (or dark) reading; Stitch finds a new outfit; Archer finds religion; Mordin continues not making friends; and Luna blames everything on ghosts.
In this bonus episode of Extraordinary League, we find ourselves in Phyrexia, where a young woman has been taken by the alien invaders. Should she survive, her magical powers would prove invaluable to the League's efforts to save the multiverse... but she'll have to escape from the universe's least-cuddly surgeon and find a way off this world first. Starring Kit as Toothless (How to Train Your Dragon), and introducing Meganbob as the League's soon-to-be-newest member!
When Sunnydale's resident black magic hacker and Hogwarts' most accomplished arcane student both find themselves needing to track down the same spell, an eldritch confrontation between the two most fanfic'd witches of all time becomes inevitable! Forced to lead the Scooby Gang in their fight against the First Evil now that the Slayer, Buffy Summers, has mysteriously vanished (hopefully not with the intention of joining a "league," or some such), Willow Rosenberg finds an incantation that will seal the First Evil away forever. The only problem is, it's located in the long-lost (and apparently not actually destroyed) Library of Alexandria, and Willow will need all her powers of research, not to mention witchcraft, in order to acquire it.
Actually, that's not her only problem. Her other problem is that across the Atlantic, Hermione Granger got tired of camping in the rain and waiting for Harry Potter, also known as The Boy Who Sulked, to come up with a plan to defeat Lord Voldemort. After managing to infiltrate the Hogwarts library, Hermione discovered the same spell and its location, and is fast at work using her magical abilities to go after it herself.
When the two witches meet in the whispering halls of history's greatest library, who will make it out with the spell they need to vanquish their respective enemies? Which team of advocates will come out on top in the soon-to-be-legendary "Dark Willow Argument"? Who will take this week's unorthodox Lightning Round and somehow manage to make it sexy? (hint: not who you think) And what stygian, tenebrous horrors will we unleash on the world by bringing in Kris and Katrina of the Gameable Podcast for a non-Disney related episode?
Ever wonder what "happily ever after" really means? Well, for two of Disney's most beloved animated couples, it means marriage, honeymoon...and competition in the Newlywed Game! Provincial French bookworm Belle and her anthropomorphic-castle-born true love, the Beast (not Prince Adam, he's just a disappointment) take on street-rat-made-good Aladdin and his stifling-palace-born princess Jasmine in a contest that will test not only their passion, commitment, and knowledge of favorite foods and eye color, but also their skills at rural love nest creation, building IKEA furniture, and creeping up behind their partners and yelling "Boo!" Will Belle and the Beast prove why their tale deserves to be as old as time, or will Aladdin and Jasmine show us a whole new world of marital compatibility?
Featuring a face off between two real life couples (Dan and Kit vs. Miles and returning guest host Sharon Holden) as well as two not quite original musical numbers, a new theory about the Genie's penchant for parades, far too much talk about Furries, and an explanation of why a certain rural town is an asshat. Happy late Valentine's Day!
For decades, its legend has endured, striking fear into the hearts of Dungeons and Dragons players everywhere. The mere mention of its name has been known to drive groups of lifelong companions, once closer than siblings, to infighting, betrayal, and chaos. In the darkest corners of the experienced role-player's dice-fueled fever dreams, its presence lingers like a shroud -- the great humbler of the power gamer. For whenever a D&D party grows too boastful, too assured of their own invincibility, too confident of final victory over an entire game world or campaign setting, they will inevitably find themselves standing at the gates of the deadliest dungeon ever conceived: the Tomb of Horrors!
Now, those gates open once more. Two groups of brave adventurers have arrived, both representing the respected House of Bioware, each looking to test their mettle against the most notorious suicide mission in the history of high fantasy:
From the the Sword Coast region of the Forgotten Realms, aka A World Much Like This One But A World That Is Very Different, comes the Party of Baldur's Gate -- Viconia, the haughty Drow cleric; Imoen, the spell-slinging thief from Candlekeep; Edwin, the extremely evil but also exceptionally useful conjurer; and Minsc, the berserk ranger who doesn't have the stats to be a ranger, but DOES have a miniature giant space hamster named Boo, which counts for a lot.
And from the maybe-not-terribly-distant-but-definitely-not-on-any-maps land of Thedas, it's the Party of Dragon Age -- Anders, the church-bombing fanatic possessed by the concept of justice; Varric, the crossbow-wielding dwarf with nimble fingers and a lying tongue; Morrigan, shapeshifting witch of the Korcari Wilds; and Iron Bull, the one-eyed Qunari berserker spy.
Which party will navigate the Tomb's brutal series of traps, see through its illusions, defeat its guardians, and confront the demi-lich Acererak to claim his glittering treasure? Will Liz even be able to say "Acererak?" Will Miles ever be able to stop referencing experience tables, ability scores, and spell levels? And what happens when MeganBob is suddenly given full license to ship all eight of these characters?
The League's long adventure in Westeros comes to a thrilling close as Stitch, Mordin Solus, Dante Sparda, and Nico Minoru do battle with a twisted flying monstrosity and finally discover the true source of the undead scourge plaguing the lands beyond the Wall. What happens next will alter the shape of their tale forevermore, and not everyone is going to make it back to Castle Grayskull in one piece.
Plus, Nico has fun with acupuncture, Stitch practices his knots, Mordin knows all the angles, and Dante and Geralt give new meaning to the term "fire in the hole." Also featuring the GM's funniest voice impersonation yet, another Colin Mulkerin musical number, and a truly phenomenal evil laugh!
ONLINE -- REPORT
SUBJECT: INSPECTOR GADGET -- RETRIEVED. CONDITION -- SEVERELY DAMAGED. RETRIEVAL DETAILS -- FOUND WASHED UP ON SHORE. PHYSICAL STATUS -- SANDY AND WATERLOGGED. MENTAL STATUS -- TOTAL MEMORY LOSS. CAUSE OF INITIAL DISAPPEARANCE -- CONTACT WITH MONOLITH. CURRENT LOCATION OF MONOLITH -- UNKNOWN. GADGET RECORDING EQUIPMENT -- OPERATIONAL. RECORDED DATA FROM MONOLITH ENCOUNTER -- UNDAMAGED.
INTERNATIONAL COALITION FORMED FOR DATA RETRIEVAL. WARNING: FOUR HIGH-LEVEL HACKERS KNOWN TO BE AWARE OF MONOLITH ENCOUNTER, WILL LIKELY ATTEMPT TO ACCESS DATA THEMSELVES. RETRIEVING FILES.
SUBJECT: RADICAL EDWARD. CHILD HACKER FROM YEAR 2071. LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS -- BEBOP, CONVERTED INTERPLANETARY FISHING VESSEL. UNKNOWN COWBOY ASSOCIATIONS. FREQUENTLY SEEN WALKING ON HANDS AND TYPING WITH TOES.
SUBJECT: ELLIOT ALDERSON, CYBERSECURITY ENGINEER -- E-CORP. INTROVERT, SHUT-IN, PARANOID. HACKER VIGILANTE. KNOWN ASSOCIATE -- "MR. ROBOT" -- IDENTITY UNKNOWN. RECENTLY JAILED FOR CRIMINAL ACTIVITY, SOMEHOW HACKS EVERYTHING ANYWAY.
SUBJECT: NOMI MARKS. ONE OF EIGHT SO-CALLED SENSATES, ABBREVIATED AS "SENSE8." TRANSGENDER HACKTIVIST/VIDEO BLOGGER. MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE ONCE HACKED THE PENTAGON. NOTABLE FOR EXCELLENT CHOICE IN GIRLFRIENDS.
SUBJECT: DAISY "SKYE" JOHNSON. AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D. -- ACRONYM UNKNOWN, CONSTANTLY CHANGING. FORMER MEMBER OF HACKER ORGANIZATION "THE RISING TIDE." SPECIES -- INHUMAN. SUPERHERO ALIAS -- QUAKE. CHILDHOOD ALIAS -- MARY SUE. NO, REALLY.
INTERROGATIVE -- WHICH EXPERT HACKER POSSESSES SKILL NECESSARY TO BREACH COALITION SYSTEMS, LOCATE GADGET/MONOLITH ENCOUNTER DATA, ESCAPE WITH PRICELESS INFORMATION?
ANSWER -- UNKNOWN
SOLUTION -- RESOLVE CONFLICT VIA SMASH FICTION MATCH
ACCESS PROGRAM: HOUR OF BULLSHIT
Have your deep philosophical statements ready and get ready to fly, kids, because swords and stage wires are about to cross in deadly but also awesome fashion! Morpheus, one of the major leaders in Zion's war against the conquering machines, has traveled deep into the Matrix in search of a new weapon -- the legendary Green Destiny. He has traveled so far, in fact, that he somehow finds himself in China during the Qing Dynasty, and standing between Morpheus and the Green Destiny is its former wielder, the legendary Li Mu Bai, a man who fights like some bizarre combination of a crouching tiger and a hidden dragon. Neither wire-fu warrior wants this fight, but Morpheus needs the Green Destiny and Li Mu Bai has no intention of letting him take it. As a great master once said, some motherf*ckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.
Colin Mulkerin returns to Smash Fiction to give us his tips for a perfect Agent Smith impression, along with his signature brand of breathless argument. Meanwhile, everyone else forgets they're on an audio-only program and starts describing their impractical sunglasses or their sick martial arts poses while the judge swings on wires in the rafters.
In Gotham City, evil has always worn many faces. But even Gotham has never faced a villain to which that description applies so literally. The shape-changing mutant known as Mystique is in town, and she's doing what she does best -- killing people to achieve her crazed, often far-fetched goals. Unfortunately for the woman with the most metal real name in comics (with apologies to Vandal Savage), her fun and games have drawn the notice of one of Gotham's many defenders -- in this case, former police officer Renee Montoya, also known as The Question. After all, if you're trying to catch a criminal who can put on any face she wants, who better than an ex-cop with no face at all?
Will Mystique toss Question aside like a baby being thrown into a ravine, or will Renee Montoya connect the dots, solve the conspiracy and bring Raven Darkholme to swift, faceless justice? Madeline Thomas and Anton Balane return to Smash Fiction to help us answer these questions, along with many others, such as: Did Mystique really turn into Rogue and try to seduce Gambit one time? Does Question rely too much on her Bat-family connections? What would happen if Mystique was disguised as Question and tried to take Question's mask off her own face? And...wait a minute, how many Smash Fiction hosts are actually in this episode, anyway?
When peace in a strange version of the historic Middle East that somehow includes aliens and magic apples is threatened by a beautiful bisexual nobleman with a taste for wine, spicy food, and vengeance, the question must be answered: Will Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad's strict adherence to the assassin's creed and superb skills in that profession be enough to silence the Red Viper of Dorne? Or will Oberyn Martell upend the game of thrones and remain unbowed, unbent, and unbroken? The Smash Fiction team is here to delve into the matter, as well as other concerns, such as whether or not there has ever been a good movie based on a video game and why Liz Logan is hearing descriptions of penises in every sentence. Also, eagles!
The Smash Fiction hosts are (almost) all together in the same room to ring in the new year with a new episode of Extraordinary League! The League's latest adventure sees them join forces with the regal reptilian shapeshifter Flemeth and her army of Westerosi wildlings to take on the undead forces of the white walkers... and to discover the strange, compelling mystery that lies beyond their host. And yes, in an episode featuring zombie giants, dragon duels, and necrotic energy, our heroes still manage to make pretty much everything about music. Mordin composes a plea to end Dante's continued nakedness, Stitch shreds Dragonforce on dragonback, everyone gets the Skyrim theme song stuck in their head, and the seductive call of ultimate evil doesn't actually sound like Kelly Clarkson. Furthermore, Colin invents a new drinking game, Nico Minoru spends all her karma, and an old friend returns!