Smash Fiction returns to its favorite large and unspecified setting -- SPAAAAAAACE -- for a match between artificial intelligences and their mutually amazing ability to hack computers, fly spacecraft, and keep a team of sci-fi commandos alive long enough to complete a vital mission.
When the expansive forces of Earth and Mars both seek control of a nearby moon, each side sends only the best in actually-people sentient technology. One group of would-be moon-conquerors is led by Cortana, destroyer of Halo rings, multiple-time savior of the galaxy, sexy blue hologram lady. The other is commanded by the Enhanced Defense Intelligence of the Normandy SR-2, aka EDI, defeater of Reapers, throaty-voiced proclaimer of whether something is or isn't a joke. Will Cortana ultimately be the AI with the most mass(ive) effect, or will EDI show her rival that the Covenant was child's play by comparison?
Featuring lots of awesome space words (space), a Lightning Round that has been a long time coming, and a blooper reel that truly lives up to its name!
Everyone knows cats and dogs don't play well together, and when the cats and dogs in question also happen to be deities, things can get pretty hairy. Responding to the desperate prayers of the demon-cursed town of Tristram, Amaterasu, Nippon's favorite wolf-shaped, celestial brush-painting sun goddess, and Aslan, the Lion (and occasional lamb) of Narnia, have arrived to lead their newfound flock out of the darkness and into a new golden age! But only one of them can be Tristram's new, extremely fluffy savior. Which god-animal will inspire the most faith, convert the most new followers, and, y'know, kill Diablo?
Featuring a hackles-raising argument about prophecy and magic ink supplies between Kit and Dan, a duel of the Narnia nerds between Miles and MeganBob, and Colin undergoing a fully-realized existential crisis.
Disclaimer: The opinions stated in this episode do not reflect our opinions on either Christianity or Shinto. No religious offense whatsoever is intended.
Additional thanks to Kevin MacLeod this week for the use of his song "Waltz of the Carnies."
The path to victory never runs smooth. In the case of the Extraordinary League, it means that the two groups they've most screwed over since their arrival in Nexus City have simultaneously arrived to pay them back for their misdeeds. Who could have possibly foreseen these entirely logical consequences?! Can the League defeat two groups of foes at once? Can they protect the innocent bystanders of Hannah Montana and Cambot? And what dark secrets of Nexus City will be revealed over the course of their investigation?
Tune in as Archer kills with his heart, Dante explores some wardrobe alternatives, Luna does some digging, Stitch tries a new type of cuisine, and Mordin holds nothing but contempt for you puny Earth people!
Things just keep getting worse for the Hamburglar. First his ex-employer placed a huge bounty on his head, then he had to find a way to improbably escape two of fiction's greatest manhunters-for-hire, and now that he somehow managed to pull that off, his life is in danger once again. All he did was steal the wrong cheeseburger -- John Wick's cheeseburger, to be precise. And during his escape from the authorities, he also managed to smash a potted plant that happened to be the best friend of Léon, the Professional. So now the Hamburglar has graduated from loudmouth mercs in various states of undress to cold-blooded hit men whose targets simply do not escape. The Hamburglar can hole up in as many secure safehouses protected by as many goons as he wants. There will still only be one question: Which master assassin will get to him first, leaving the other to experience the cold, empty sensation of revenge blue-balls?
Miles returns from his hiatus of happiness to explain all the things he didn't like about John Wick 2, Colin enlightens us about coincidentally-named game designers and the undeniable Frenchness of Jean Reno, Kit and MeganBob debate the viability of pencils as impromptu murder devices, and Dan shows the advocates what happens when their bosses don't like them...
Arthur "Aquaman" Curry and Namor "the Sub-Mariner" McKenzie may be the kings of their own respective Atlantises, but when a mysterious "BLOOP" draws the two maritime monarchs into a universe where Atlantis is ruled by neither of them... well, they have to take their frustrations out on someone, and it might as well be each other.
Will Aquaman's telepathy, divinely-gifted trident, and ability to throw submarines be enough to overcome Namor's tiny ankle wings, godlike widow's peak, and ability to throw tanks? Does Namor have a secret weapon hidden away in his green Speedo, or is Aquaman protected by too many layers of his own oft-retconned backstory? And just what made that mysterious "BLOOP" sound, anyway?
Joining us in this undersea duel to the death is frequent guest host Brad Bultman and first-time guest host (and host of the superb Titan Up the Defense podcast) Hub!
Billy and Jimmy Lee, the boys from Double Dragon, have finally hit their breaking point. Both desirous of the amorous attentions of the beautiful Marian (and both completely oblivious to her disinterest), the two have decided to settle this once and for all with a martial arts showdown!
But the boys aren't total idiots, and realize that they need to up their respective game before they throw down. Thus, Billy Lee seeks out Master Splinter, the rat-man mentor of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, while Jimmy Lee travels to Ba Sing Se to seek guidance from Iroh, who instructed his nephew Zuko in his struggles against Avatar Aang. Which aged martial arts master is better suited to guiding these young, punchy idiots to victory?
Joining us this week is frequent guest host Colin Mulkerin, as well as Lucas Brown, host of The Math of You podcast!
The gang's not all here this month, so we decided to do a side/prequel adventure featuring another cell of the Extraordinary League. Want to see a crossover between Overwatch, Planetary, Steven Universe, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and Saint's Row? Well, look no further!
The League has gotten wind of a powerful object in Nexus City. The good news is, this object can tell the future, potentially giving the League a potent early warning system against Phyrexia's movements. The bad news is, the object is currently in possession of the powerful criminal organization called Morningstar, and it's going up for auction at a ritzy gala event this very night! Did someone say... heist?
Both North Shore High and American Eagle High have sadly been closed, and their respective student bodies have been combined into one at the brand-new Sebastian Valmont High School. However, high school students are nothing without a strict social hierarchy, and two groups of students immediately begin vying for the top position: the Plastics (Mean Girls) and the Christian Jewels (Saved!).
Which clique can maneuver one of their own into the coveted position of Prom Queen by the end of the year? Will the Jewels' evangelizing, gospel singing, and occasional acts of vandalism and Bible-throwing be enough, or will the Plastics finally make their own supremacy happen (unlike fetch, which will never happen)?
Joining us this week is Scott Brown from Color Circuit!
Thanks to the votes of our wonderful backers on Patreon, we bring you this four-way battle of sorcerous Disney villains!
The kingdom of King Stefan has suffered many hardships recently. The crown princess Aurora was cursed by the wicked fairy Maleficent. The entire kingdom was put to sleep and the castle surrounded by thick, deadly briars. No one seems to be able to remember what the actual name of the kingdom is. But things are turning around! Maleficent is dead, the curses are broken, and... well, no one still remembers the name of the kingdom. But two out of three ain't bad! And anyway, Aurora and Philip are getting married, Stefan and his wife Leah are finally taking a vacation... what could go wrong? Surely no curse that draws the wrath of four of the vilest villains that Atlantica, Agrabah, Greece, and New Orleans could muster, right?
...right?
Can Jafar convince the good fairies that he's not actually a snake in the grass? Can Ursula even bring her poor little poopsies on land? Can Facilier somehow weaponize his newspaper-reading skills? Can Colin actually represent a character who could possibly be described as a... being of worship? And why is judge Miles so eager for the Winter Olympics to start?
When you're 11 years old, there's no money like babysitting money, especially when you're babysitting as a favor to the beautiful Patti Mayonnaise. That's how Doug Funnie finds himself at a neighbor's house, watching their hyperactive and verbose six-year-old, Calvin. However, Calvin's parents are barely out the door before Calvin dons the mantle of Spaceman Spiff and starts firing his zorcher at Doug! Fortunately, Doug, no stranger to the ways of make-believe himself, quickly assumes his Quailman persona, and the battle is joined.
In this battle of imaginary characters, will Smash Adams's rocket shoes prove a match for Stupendous Man's giant school-destroying magnifying glass? Is Tracer Bullet's gun faster than Race Canyon's whip? What dark and shocking secrets about Meganbob's childhood will be revealed? And just how long can Kit crack herself up for when she introduces a particularly imaginative Lightning Round?
The Nexus Tournament is in full swing, and the League find themselves up against their first real opponent: a young boy and his six closest magical animal friends! The eyes of the city are upon our heroes: will their abilities and teamwork prove super-effective, or do our heroes not have what it takes to stand up against The Very Best? And how will the League deal with the deadliest enemy of all: the consequences of their actions from a couple episodes ago?
Also, Dante does some remodeling, Mordin discovers a new passion, Luna puts her Care of Magical Creatures training to good use, Stitch tries really hard to get his pilot's license, and Archer's desire for quality Mexican food may have finally gone too far.
Special thanks to Andrew Del Re for this episode's battle music! Check out youtube.com/thedelre for more of his incredible work!
Beautiful boys with beautiful blades battle in beautiful, beautiful ways in this week's contest of deadly swords and unspeakable regrets. When word reaches him of the existence of the demonic weapon known as Tōkijin (possibly via the mysterious yet sarcastic bartender serving drinks nearby) the scar-faced rurouni Himura Kenshin is determined to destroy it. But when he arrives at the mouth of the cave in which the sinister blade rests, he quickly finds that he is not alone. Cloud Strife, fresh off the depressing realization that his fantasy is still somehow not final, is in the mood to break something with all six parts of the Fusion Sword. And Siegfried Schtauffen, a man no stranger to living in his own personal nightmare, is ready to bring the full power of Soul Calibur to bear against evil...at least, until both he and his sword are corrupted by evil, themselves.
Which beautiful sword boy will win the three-way duel (truel?) and earn the right to destroy Tōkijin (and to incorporate it into bluntly symbolic trauma flashbacks at some point in the future)? Will Kit, Liz, and MeganBob survive their collective salivation over this group of characters? And how will they fare when Dan unleashes the most fearsome villain of all in the Lightning Round?
Because you demanded it, two of the most powerful, literally godlike beings in the multiverse collide as the first superhero and the last son of Krypton takes on the legendary Super-Saiyan leader of the Dragon Team! After an unlikely series of events involving a glitch in the Matrix, a random subway encounter, and an argument about polite manners and glasses, Clark Kent opens his shirt to reveal the Superman logo, Goku's hair begins inexplicably changing color, and the Man of Steel and the wielder of the Dragon Balls enter into glorious battle! When the dust settles from the heat vision laser beams and Kamehamehas, which unbelievably overpowered juggernaut loosely inspired by Japanese legend will be the last man standing?
Spike and Taulbee of the S'up Nerds and Death Save podcasts return to perform wonderful impressions and help dish out Smash Fiction's most generous helping of bullshit to date! Also, Dan provides examples of why people hate DC Comics, MeganBob leans into math and mud wrestling, and Liz Logan gives very few fucks, indeed.
We'd advise you to buckle up for this episode, but here in the post-apocalyptic Outback, there's no such thing as seatbelts. Mad Max Rockatansky did battle with the burn victim warlord of leather and codpieces, Lord Humungus, in The Road Warrior, and faced off against the white-haired pimp tyrant with the skull mask smile, Immortan Joe, in Fury Road. However, partially due to the Mad Max franchise's ambiguous timeline, the two cretinous commanders of crazies and cultists have never been able to compete with one another...until now.
Thunder up and rev your engines, because it's time for a good old fashioned death race! There's a source of guzzoline out in the Australian desert. Joe wants it. The Humungus wants it. The question is, who wants it more? With an equal number of chosen henchmen and their preferred styles of weapons and vehicles, will the master of the Citadel and his War Boys ride to victory, shiny and chrome? Or will the Ayatollah of Rock n' Rolla, along with his insane gang of gaylord berserkers, smegma-crazies, and Wez, send their enemies to Valhalla with a crossbow bolt and a three-bladed spear?
Featuring special guest host Diamond Jay -- witness him! Also, Dan gets into a debate about a comic book (surprising no one), Miles knows literally nothing about cars, Liz's quest to alienate the entire nation of Australia continues, and yet another Lightning Round goes completely off the damn rails.
Enjoy the show, and support the Smash Fiction Patreon at www.patreon.com/smashfictionpodcast
At this point, even Miles has to admit that this multiversal space war thing is getting a little out of hand. As the judge, all he had to do was come up with a reason for Zoe Washburne, the bad-ass ex-military first officer of Serenity, to get into a contest with Kara Thrace, aka Starbuck, the best Viper pilot on the Galactica. You know, something that would test their skills at maneuvering through war zones, locating critical objectives, and generally caving in the skulls of anyone who gets in their way. It should have gone smooth.
It never goes smooth.
Now, in a bizarre scenario unfolding on the surface of Arrakis (aka Dune), our heroines (without the advantages of either a Firefly-class transport ship or a Battlestar) must fight their way through a 'splosion-riddled combat theater featuring the Roughnecks, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and the various classes of warrior from Team Fortress 2! Will Zoe use the time-honored techniques of dirt-throwing and throat-slitting to be the first to reach the shiny blue briefcase just full to bursting with intelligence? Or will Starbuck show everyone why she's the frakking harbinger of doom?
Celine Modschiedler and Neal Butler guest star as two ordinary people swept up in a tidal wave of sheer insanity, forced to rise to the challenge of a world that no longer makes any sense by allowing the most awesome versions of themselves to come to the forefront and fight back! In other words, they're both basically Bruce Campbell.
The League may have hacked their way into a qualifying match, but they still have to win it if they want to get into the Nexus Tournament! Will they be able to stand up to a team of animalistic, shape-shifting martial artists? And will they be fully prepared to take on the even more insidious foe of talk show interviews and 24/7 reality TV coverage?
Also, Luna turns someone into a balloon, Stitch goes trick-or-treating, Dante REALLY gets to know a weretiger, Mordin doesn't handle interviews well, and the cap of Archer's pen comes off for, like, no reason.
It's that time of year again when the Smash Fiction Podcast takes about 30 minutes out of its regular programming schedule to go completely and utterly insane (more so than usual, that is). This year for April Fool's Day, we're taking our carefully crafted character/scenario selection process and throwing it out the window, speeding our way through five bizarre, randomly-generated, and in most cases, totally unfair mini-matches! Who will be able to spin the most convincing off-the-wall bullshit in contests featuring the likes of Elsa, Sterling Archer, and Mordor? It's time to roll the dice and find out!
Just in time for our action-packed 70th episode, your favorite wrist-bladed, plasmacaster packing, drawn-out laughing manhunter is back! Only this time, there's three of them, they're from a different clan, and they've abducted the Ol' Canucklehead himself, Wolverine! Straight from the 2010 film Predators, the Berserker, the Tracker, and the Falconer have taken the X-Men's resident quick-healing, cigar-chewing Canadian to a planet with the unfortunately on-the-nose name of Pandora, a place where the mountains float, the air is toxic, and giant blue-skinned aliens called Na'vi use their hair to have sex, or something.
But leaving aside James Cameron's bizarre science fiction sensibilities, the Predators have made Logan the prize in the galaxy's deadliest game. In competition with each other, they are now hunting Marvel's most popular mutant, with the winner earning a skull-and-spine trophy laced with adamantium. But when you hunt Weapon X, there's always the risk that you will ultimately become the hunted. Will Wolverine prove that he is, in fact, the best in the world at what he does? Or will the Predators do to him what they did to that guy who got to play Venom that one time?
Brad Bultman returns to put forth one of the most physics-defying (but strangely consistent with the 90s animated X-Men series) theories in Smash Fiction history. Also, Dan goes head-to-head with every accent in the world, Miles explains why director Antal Nimród is a Time Lord, Liz Logan's claws come out with a signature "snikt" in defense of her namesake character, and MeganBob has way too much fun at summer camp.
These are just a few of the audio tracks we've recorded, and as you can hear, it isn't what we thought. There's been no war here, Well, unless you count the huge cross-dimensional space war that has ensnared ships and characters from across the science fiction multiverse. Even so, it's still definitely the Pax. The G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate that some idiot brought onto a Rebel starcruiser. Now, some people on the ship are just sitting around letting themselves die, while others are acting violently aggressive and totally insane.
Fortunately, thanks to the war, this particular starcruiser happens to be carrying two of the multiverse's most capable scientists -- the salarian doctor/spy/geneticist Mordin Solus, and the half-human, half-Vulcan Enterprise science officer, Mr. Spock. Unfortunately, only one of them can solve the Pax problem and save the ship, while the other will be unceremoniously space-fired. Will Mordin use the combined mass of his scientific intelligence to the greatest possible effect? Or will Spock prevail via the knowledge and experience he has gained on his trek through the stars?
Colin Mulkerin guest hosts once again to represent his beloved Extraordinary League character, though Miles manages to both steal his favorite Mordin quote and put forth an alternative theory as to who, in fact, invented time travel. Also, MeganBob takes a stand for the complexity of sex between alien species, Dan yells a one-syllable name that isn't Doom, and Liz Logan takes her Space Judge character to its furthest extreme.
Spy vs. spy takes on a whole new meaning this week, as the rebooted (but still all kinds of suave) MI6 agent known as 007 and the amnesiac ex-CIA agent Jason Bourne attempt to beat each other to the most valuable prize in the field of government espionage: the information hidden inside the head of Dr. Evil's beloved Mr. Bigglesworth! But first, of course, they will have to escape from one of the supervillain's famously impractical death traps, fight their way through hordes of goons, sneak the baldest of all felines out of the Virtucon building in Seattle, and hijack a vehicle to get them to the airport -- and victory!
Will James Bond, fully powered with the essence of Daniel Craig, overcome his propensity for getting women killed and escape with the vital intelligence needed to finally take down the pernicious paterfamilias and his patented pinky gesture? Or will Bourne, despite the loss of his identity, prove his spying supremacy and deliver the final ultimatum?
Colin Mulkerin returns, this time as our first-ever guest judge, to deliver what might be the funniest (and longest) intro scenario in podcasting history. Also, Miles shockingly brings up professional wrestling (but pays dearly for it in the end), MeganBob postulates a magical golden dick, Dan takes the Casanova Fallacy to a whole new level, and Liz Logan is just so damn happy that we're doing this match.
Still bearing the scars of their adventures in Westeros, the League gets some well-deserved R&R in the halls of Castle Greyskull. However, they are soon sent on their next mission into a world unlike any they've been to so far... and they learn of the unusual task before them in claiming the next gem. Did somebody say... tournament?
Meanwhile, Dante does some interior decorating; Nico does some light (or dark) reading; Stitch finds a new outfit; Archer finds religion; Mordin continues not making friends; and Luna blames everything on ghosts.
In this bonus episode of Extraordinary League, we find ourselves in Phyrexia, where a young woman has been taken by the alien invaders. Should she survive, her magical powers would prove invaluable to the League's efforts to save the multiverse... but she'll have to escape from the universe's least-cuddly surgeon and find a way off this world first. Starring Kit as Toothless (How to Train Your Dragon), and introducing Meganbob as the League's soon-to-be-newest member!
When Sunnydale's resident black magic hacker and Hogwarts' most accomplished arcane student both find themselves needing to track down the same spell, an eldritch confrontation between the two most fanfic'd witches of all time becomes inevitable! Forced to lead the Scooby Gang in their fight against the First Evil now that the Slayer, Buffy Summers, has mysteriously vanished (hopefully not with the intention of joining a "league," or some such), Willow Rosenberg finds an incantation that will seal the First Evil away forever. The only problem is, it's located in the long-lost (and apparently not actually destroyed) Library of Alexandria, and Willow will need all her powers of research, not to mention witchcraft, in order to acquire it.
Actually, that's not her only problem. Her other problem is that across the Atlantic, Hermione Granger got tired of camping in the rain and waiting for Harry Potter, also known as The Boy Who Sulked, to come up with a plan to defeat Lord Voldemort. After managing to infiltrate the Hogwarts library, Hermione discovered the same spell and its location, and is fast at work using her magical abilities to go after it herself.
When the two witches meet in the whispering halls of history's greatest library, who will make it out with the spell they need to vanquish their respective enemies? Which team of advocates will come out on top in the soon-to-be-legendary "Dark Willow Argument"? Who will take this week's unorthodox Lightning Round and somehow manage to make it sexy? (hint: not who you think) And what stygian, tenebrous horrors will we unleash on the world by bringing in Kris and Katrina of the Gameable Podcast for a non-Disney related episode?
Ever wonder what "happily ever after" really means? Well, for two of Disney's most beloved animated couples, it means marriage, honeymoon...and competition in the Newlywed Game! Provincial French bookworm Belle and her anthropomorphic-castle-born true love, the Beast (not Prince Adam, he's just a disappointment) take on street-rat-made-good Aladdin and his stifling-palace-born princess Jasmine in a contest that will test not only their passion, commitment, and knowledge of favorite foods and eye color, but also their skills at rural love nest creation, building IKEA furniture, and creeping up behind their partners and yelling "Boo!" Will Belle and the Beast prove why their tale deserves to be as old as time, or will Aladdin and Jasmine show us a whole new world of marital compatibility?
Featuring a face off between two real life couples (Dan and Kit vs. Miles and returning guest host Sharon Holden) as well as two not quite original musical numbers, a new theory about the Genie's penchant for parades, far too much talk about Furries, and an explanation of why a certain rural town is an asshat. Happy late Valentine's Day!
For decades, its legend has endured, striking fear into the hearts of Dungeons and Dragons players everywhere. The mere mention of its name has been known to drive groups of lifelong companions, once closer than siblings, to infighting, betrayal, and chaos. In the darkest corners of the experienced role-player's dice-fueled fever dreams, its presence lingers like a shroud -- the great humbler of the power gamer. For whenever a D&D party grows too boastful, too assured of their own invincibility, too confident of final victory over an entire game world or campaign setting, they will inevitably find themselves standing at the gates of the deadliest dungeon ever conceived: the Tomb of Horrors!
Now, those gates open once more. Two groups of brave adventurers have arrived, both representing the respected House of Bioware, each looking to test their mettle against the most notorious suicide mission in the history of high fantasy:
From the the Sword Coast region of the Forgotten Realms, aka A World Much Like This One But A World That Is Very Different, comes the Party of Baldur's Gate -- Viconia, the haughty Drow cleric; Imoen, the spell-slinging thief from Candlekeep; Edwin, the extremely evil but also exceptionally useful conjurer; and Minsc, the berserk ranger who doesn't have the stats to be a ranger, but DOES have a miniature giant space hamster named Boo, which counts for a lot.
And from the maybe-not-terribly-distant-but-definitely-not-on-any-maps land of Thedas, it's the Party of Dragon Age -- Anders, the church-bombing fanatic possessed by the concept of justice; Varric, the crossbow-wielding dwarf with nimble fingers and a lying tongue; Morrigan, shapeshifting witch of the Korcari Wilds; and Iron Bull, the one-eyed Qunari berserker spy.
Which party will navigate the Tomb's brutal series of traps, see through its illusions, defeat its guardians, and confront the demi-lich Acererak to claim his glittering treasure? Will Liz even be able to say "Acererak?" Will Miles ever be able to stop referencing experience tables, ability scores, and spell levels? And what happens when MeganBob is suddenly given full license to ship all eight of these characters?