Put on your muscle shirt, break out your best evil laugh, and prepare for an epic Smashtoberfest confrontation between ancient mummies and skeleton demons...as only 1980s cartoon shows can deliver! By popular demand, the Smash Fiction crew takes on yet another of the most hotly-debated questions in all the multiverse: Who would win in a fight between He-Man's iconically-voiced purple-and-blue nemesis, Skeletor, and the bandage-wrapped bane of Third Earth, Mumm-Ra?
The two classically evil fiends square off in the tower of Merklynn (you know, from that Visionaries show -- oh wait, the Mulkerins are the only people who actually remember that was a thing) and are prepared to resort to any and all tactics that will allow them to walk off with the wizard's fabled treasure (not to mention some great rolls on the magic item tables). Will Skeletor's Havoc Staff, endless arsenal of verbose insults, and defunct but still inspirational Facebook page be enough to prove him the true master of the universe? Or will Mumm-Ra call upon the ancient spirits of evil for one final, unbeatable transformation sequence, and do to Skeletor what he did to the Thundercats in that one DC comic book we should all have agreed never to talk about?
Also, Miles lays the smackdown on the Eternian political system, Dan and Colin make a ridiculous amount of D&D references, Liz does the best Skeletor impression, Kit's Lightning Round is as insane as it is predictable, and Brett Van Donsel provides some seriously spooky intro music (with an assist from wwww.incompetech.com).
Having made their way to the near-abandoned castle of Winterfell in search of the Stone of Grace, the League is awakened by a mysterious figure, who reveals himself to be the infamous undead bloodsucker, Dracula. But which one? That's a pretty elaborate beard for a Bram Stoker character. Do they all shoot fireballs?
Anyway, turns out Dracula is a creep and the League has to try and bash his ancient vampire brains out. Can Mordin outwit the forces of evil with nothing but a portal gun and a moral compass? Are Nico's increasingly bizarre spells destined to eventually backfire? How sick, exactly, is Stitch's guitar slide? And is Dante really still naked?
Like, still? Throughout the entire episode?
Fifty episodes of Smash Fiction have come and gone...but we remain unsatistifed! After all, how can we tell which of our fifty winners is truly the best of the best? In celebration of the completion of the first season of Smash Fiction, it is our pleasure to unveil the first-ever Smash Bash Championship!
In this very special episode, each host will draft a team of four former Smash Fiction victors. These characters will compete in the Lighting Gauntlet, five successive Lightning Rounds whose winners will qualify for one final no-holds-barred fight to determine the first Smash Fiction champion! Who will win? Who will fall? And who will come up with the most nonsensical Lightning Round of them all?
Colin's underwater robot volcano fortress has inexplicably failed to transform into the talking submarine that traditionally transports him to the surface for recording...but that won't stop the Smash Fiction crew from answering another of the most important questions: Which half-man, half-machine do-gooder police proxy is the best at stopping a fiendish robot-themed crime lord from carrying out his fiendish robot-themed plans?
In this case, Dr. Wily is up to his wily tricks again, and Mega-Man is unavailable, so three other cybernetic heroes step forward. Will Cyborg's unbeatable combination of bullshit DC Comics technology allow him to boom tube and "Booyah!" his way to victory? Can RoboCop overcome his restrictive directives and take advantage of his lack of wireless ports? And does Inspector Gadget actually try to win on his own before giving up and throwing Penny at the problem?
Thanks to Sam Ruiz for suggesting this match and throwing us into possibly our dirtiest fight yet, as well as the dirtiest (in another way, but totally unintentionally, maybe) Lighting Round since...well, since the last time Liz Logan was the judge, probably.
When a bomb threat goes unheeded during a swag police fundraiser, it's a good thing to have a superhero on hand. After all, comic book police officers can't protect themselves from much of anything; hell, the chief himself usually doesn't even know about his daughter being a vigilante, and couldn't do anything about it if he did. Unfortunately, you can have too much of a good thing, and while one superhero is great in a crisis (non-infinite variety, thank you very much) two can be a real problem. Especially when they do what superheroes always do: start fighting each other instead of the bad guys because...well, it was all a big misunderstanding.
In this case, the Bat-family's resident detective/martial-artist/super-genius, Barbara Gordon, and the web-slinging, music-loving, slang-tossing protector of Earth-65 New York, Gwen Stacy, mistake each other for the potential bomber and immediately start to go at it (no, not that way, shippers, sorry). Will Batgirl use her equipment, experience and extreme edginess to defeat her opponent, or will Spider-Gwen's strength, questionable karate chops, and intensely bright color palette prevail?
Featuring a ridiculously unfair initiative contest, an extensive explanation of kung fu, and the truly unique reveal of who actually called in the bomb threat, and why (hint: It involves lightning.)
Fresh from their box office-breaking performance in King's Landing, the League travels north to Winterfell in search of the ever-elusive Stone of Grace. But the road to adventure is never easy, and our heroes will have to contend with harsh weather, unusually aggressive wildlife, and a mysterious new foe with dark designs on the League. Come for the action, stay for the unusual degree of romantic and sexual tension between two very unexpected characters!
Ia! Ia! Colossus fhtagn! Having destroyed fifteen of the sixteen colossi required to bring his maybe-not-actually-but-let's-face-it-probably girlfriend Mono back to life, the boy called Wander returns to the temple of the ancient god, Dormin, to find an unexpected seventeenth idol waiting for him. After politely inquiring as to what the actual fuck, he is told that there is one additional colossus that, while not part of the original bargain, is really going to cause problems now that it has woken up.
That's an understatement, seeing as this new colossus is, in fact, Cthulhu, the squamous, tentacled high priest of the Great Old Ones. Bad luck that his alarm (currently set to the screams of the damned, with the whoops of sadistic hedonism scheduled to play ten minutes after he hits the snooze button) happened to go off now, of all times, but if Wander wants a resurrected Mono to awaken to a world that hasn't been consumed in a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom, he has to travel to the formerly sunken city of R'lyeh and slay the most terrifying half-glimpsed Lovecraftian nightmare of them all. Can the enigimatic giant-slayer use his magic sword, his mastery of shaky conditions, and his beleaguered but faithful horse, to conquer the giant that launched a thousand plushees? Or are the stars right for Wander to fall, frothing at the mouth and gibbering incoherently, beneath the non-Euclidean shadow of Cthulhu?
Also featuring a Lousiana swamp cultist accent, an uncomfortable amount of alien body shaming, the return of the ever-popular chess vs. poker question, and a board game that nobody but Miles remembers how to play.
Two of fiction's most brutally metal and/or totally righteous musical groups are on course for audio animosity...but this is no ordinary battle of the bands. The winners of this guitar squealing showdown will determine the course of human history, as their music leads the planet Earth to its salvation, or its downfall. That most excellent duo of Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan, along with their Wyld Stallyn bandmates (princesses, robots, Martians, and Death) seek to usher the human race into a day-glo surfer-speaking utopia. But Nathan Explosion, William Murderface, Toki Wartooth, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, and Pickles, the force of ultimate destruction collectively known as Dethklok, are exercising their dark influence to bring humanity to its knees in the wake of the Metalocalypse! Which band will, quite literally, rule the world? What bizarre time travel-related argument have Sup Nerds guest hosts Spike and Taulbee concocted (allegedly with the aid of cocaine)? Can Miles successfully alienate the entire state of Florida? And isn't anybody going to do the Toki voice?
Due to a bizarre series of events involving Buddhist Sith Lords, Spanish Jedi, and Darth Vader's growing ennui (because Smash Fiction continuity is awesome) the First Order's new superweapon project -- a matching pair of new, improved, and fully-furnished Death Stars -- has been taken over by two certified crazy artificial intelligence programs. The first, all the way from the future year of 2001 (a space odyssey can turn into a time odyssey at any second/set of of coordinates) is the murderous red-eyed master of chess, art appreciation, and being afraid he can't do that, HAL 9000! The second, having ironically been pulled through a portal, is GLaDOS, the most psychologically sadistic killing machine ever to lie to your face about cake. Now they each have a Death Star (ho ho ho), and have set their sights on slaughtering the deliciously helpless stormtroopers inside.
Which A.I. can kill their Death Star's crew first in a human-murdering race that would be totally messed up if the victims weren't glorified space Nazis? How long can Miles' opening intro possibly be? (Hint: Colin is now determined to top it.) How do you pronounce GLaDOS, anyway? Why does Dan hate chess, and by extension, America? And how many Smash Fiction hosts are actually replicants?
Featuring the return of guest host Rafael Medina, who is absolutely a real human, no matter what the director's cut might imply. Yep. Totally, 100% hum-droid. I mean, human. That's what I said.
Come one, come all! In honor of the name day of King Joffrey I Baratheon, the hastily-named Troupe of the Wandering Storm is pleased to present a musical production of that most ancient and legendary tale, The Tragedy of Cecily and Andre! Script by Mordin Solus! Costuming by Nico Minoru! Flubbed dialogue by Dante Sparda! And featuring a once-in-a-lifetime performance by Stitch, aka the Amazing Lute Dog!
Passion! Betrayal! Emotion! Definitely not a smokescreen for a covert attempt to break into the Tower of the Hand for information about the Stone of Grace! One night only! Don't miss it!
Disclaimer: The Troupe of the Wandering Storm is not responsible for any damage, physical or psychological, that may be inflicted by daring escapes, random portals, face-melting guitar solos, or the unexpected appearance of pegasi.
(NOTE: The first few minutes of this episode contain spoilers for the outcomes of the previous 45 Smash Fiction matches. The spoiler-free part of the show begins at 9:08.) Happy one-year anniversary! We've had a lot of laughs, a lot of love, and even more bullshit and D&D references. We start the episode with a discussion of the bizarre Smash Fic continuity that has arisen--entirely unintentionally--and then we answer the questions that you, our fans, submitted! We discuss our favorite tabletop and video games, we talk about how matches are selected and decided, and we argue about whether Mexican food could defeat bacon in a fight. Thanks for an amazing first year!
In space, no one can hear you say "I'll be back." The final episode of our first year brings Smash Fiction full circle, right back to robot apocalypse scenarios and arguments about the creative capacity of cyborgs sent back through time. Only this week, instead of the Terminator, it's mother-of-humanity's-savior and armed-to-the-teeth bad-ass Sarah Connor blasting into action, on a mission to hunt down Sil, the sexy alien antagonist of sci-fi's most impressively cast B-movie, Species. However, Sarah isn't the only Sil-catcher in town. Consummate xenomorph survivor Ellen Ripley is also on the chase, bringing along a shotgun/flamethrower and her horrific (but instructive) experience with overprotective alien mothers spamming tongue fatalities. Which tank top-wearing, death-defying ass-kicker can deliver Sil's blonde/brunette/reptilian head to their client? Will Space Judge Liz be able to resist the temptation to do something awful with tentacles in the Lightning Round? And does Miles really think Species is a better movie than Terminator 2?
Programming note: Smash Fiction's one-year anniversary bonus episode will be released Monday, August 1st. The latest episode of Extraordinary League will be released Sunday, August 7th (you really don't want to miss this one), and your next regularly-scheduled Smash Fiction match will be released Sunday, August 14th.
Poor Kenneth Parcell. Ever since he took over as president of NBC, he's had to bend over backwards in order to keep the network afloat. It's not enough that he's had to rent out office space on the top floor of 30 Rock to both a real estate company as well as a quasi-legal cadre of secret agents, but now he finds himself pulling double duty as an executive assistant to the respective heads of those two companies, Lucille Bluth and Malory Archer! Both of these women have decided that THEY will be the one to break the perpetually cheerful Kenneth, but will it be Lucille who ultimately arrests his development, or will Malory put out a burn notice... on Kenneth's self-esteem? Anton Balane from Project Fandom and the Unspoiled! series of podcasts joins this gin-soaked tribute to the extraordinary Jessica Walter.
Let the first annual Smash Fiction Hunger Games commence! First, from the land of Westeros (where the high lords play their game of thrones), making up for the fact that she's probably too young for this contest by being a psychopathic murderer, Arya "No One" Stark! Next, from Oxford (or one of the Oxfords, at least, given the whole "Almighty Maker ordaining his dark materials to create more worlds" thing), armed with a golden compass and a sassy soul-sidekick, Lyra "Silvertongue" Belacqua! Transporting in from the 24th century (the next generation having been greatly enhanced by numerous treks through the stars, if you will), you either love to hate him or you just hate him, it's "Shut Up" Wesley Crusher! And finally, from California (or something), Her Immortal Majesty, Hannah "Totally Not Miley Stewart" Montana! Yes, you read that right. Dan and Miles use the same opening strategy, Colin makes judicious use of aluminum cans, and Liz Logan is advocating for Hannah Montana, in the Hunger Games. What else do you need to know? This episode is batshit insane and might just knock the entire podcast spinning right off the rails. Enjoy.
This Sunday, it's a Wasteful Billionaires Network spectacular! Two children, hoping to become the rich and famous stars of a new precocious kid/adorable pet TV program...but only one contract! Their two pets, one a bizarre blue alien experiment named Stitch (presumably dressed like Elvis), the other a bonafide dragon named Toothless (presumably trained by Vikings)! One network backlot filled with things for them to (non-lethally) hit one another with! Two coaches, Lilo and Hiccup, on the sidelines! Four advocates, including Kris and Katrina of the Gameable Podcast, making their return to Smash Fiction! One judge, getting steadily more drunk due to a barrage of RPG references! Plasma breath weapons, sneak attack hamsters, botanical #DanLists, reptile anatomy! The Battle of the Friendship Monsters! This Sunday, only on the Wasteful Billionaires Network!
As the League prepares to embark on its next mission, Stitch builds a nest and finds a guitar, Dante hits on a woman who is also a man, Mordin receives a very exciting gift, and Archer remembers the face of his father (which is weird, but whatever, it's a symbolic thing). Then, the team heads out once again, this time accompanied by the goth teen runaway sorceress Nico Minoru, and arrives in a strange medieval world in which the king is crazy, the keep is red, and your favorite characters are probably going to die! And you'll never guess the crazy-ass plan our heroes concoct to try and gain entrance to the royal court of King's Landing...
Even Mal Reynolds, captain of the Firefly-class transport ship Serenity and unrepentant atheist, and Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and longtime Force-skeptic, would have to admit that this match was destined to happen eventually. Via a series of events that can most accurately be described as "wormholes for days," the two notorious smugglers-with-hearts-of-gold find themselves trapped in a strange galaxy that can be most accurately described as "far," and "possessing the qualities of a scape." Only one roguishly good-looking sci-fi sex icon can find the wormhole generator and escape, so Mal and Han are thrust into a space race that involves not just sailing through the black and/or navigating asteroid fields, but negotiating the criminal underworld and shooting anyone who gets in the way. Much like the characters they're representing, our advocates talk fast and bullshit faster, squeezing in as many lies per second as possible while desperately attempting to avoid the consequences of their actions in a contest that can be most accurately described as "fucking ridiculous." Between Colin's lecture on pitch, yaw, and roll, Miles' canon-maligning opening song, Kit's betrayal of R2-D2, Dan's obsession with Steve Miller, and returning special guest Brad Bultman's treatise on the concept of coolness...well, seems we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us? Big damn nerds, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about the mess.
Where do bad folks go when they die? Well, if they're the most fiendish and depraved villains of the inaptly-named Final Fantasy franchise, it seems that they are consigned to an eternity of punishment with the confines of the dying arcade game system! Kefka, the other clown-faced psychopath, and Sephiroth, one-winged king of the unadvisable Google image search, come to blows amongst the smoking ruins of Mystara, the original Dungeons and Dragons game world, to see who can rule over, or simply murder, it's helpless inhabitants. Can Dan and Colin successfully demonstrate the principle of More Crazy = More Win? Will Liz and Kit's hair-and-perfume-based arguments prevail? Is Miles even listening to any of this? And...wait, how the hell did you get in here, sports?
The claws come out in this battle of black-clad cat burglars, as a swag soiree thrown by the Maharaja turns into the scene of a feline-themed crime! Upon their discovery that the fabled Pink Panther Diamond is hidden away somewhere in the palace, party-goers Selina Kyle and Felicia Hardy slip away from the crowd and into costumes that send Kit to her bunk. It's now a race to the prize between Catwoman (so good at theft, she stole Batman's heart) and the Black Cat (whose superpowers allow her to do everything except get lucky with Spider-Man). Which master criminal will beat the other through the network of security systems and armed guards and be the first to lay hands on the shiny? Can the advocates survive Liz Logan's latest accent/fit of method acting, her unending repetition of the word "space," and most importantly, the beautiful disaster that is this week's Lightning Round? They will have to be either insanely competent or superhumanly fortunate...as will you, dear listener!
Showdown in Jurassic Park! The heroes finally come to blows with the Phyrexians, but quickly find that the invaders have a surprise waiting for them. Thrill as Dante finds yet more vehicles to turn into flaming missiles! Gasp as Mordin's continued attempts at stealth are foiled by his teammates! Stare in awe as Archer and Stitch reach a potentially deadly impasse! And steel yourself for the truth about Doc Brown!
Twenty years after the original publication of A Game of Thrones, it's finally happened (well, in Smash Fiction continuity, at least): Daenerys Targaryen is, at long last, sailing home to Westeros! Now is the time for justice, for vengeance, for fire and bloo--wait, that doesn't look like Westeros. In general, Westeros tends to be less of a barren wasteland riddled with fire, ash and dust...I mean, things can get pretty bad there, but I don't think you could say that the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume or anything. Yes, Dany has arrived at the land of Mordor (where the shadows fall -- it is known) and quickly decides that it must be brought down (that's what Daenerys Targaryen hates, so carefully, carefully, with the slaves). Dany has come, once again, as a a conqueror, but can her Unsullied army, brilliant tacticians, and non-Tolkien-style dragons successfully overcome the full strength of the hordes of Sauron, the Lord of the Rings? Featuring Dan's Dothraki accent (yes, we've moved on to offending fictional races, too), Miles' insensitivity towards Memorial Day, Kit's dragon color confusion, Special Guest Cohost Meganbob's graphs (which inexplicably do not translate well to the podcast format) and Also Special Guest Cohost and Host of the Unspoiled! Podcast Natasha Kingston's Dungeons and Dragons references (because she just wants to make everyone take another shot).
A seat has opened up in the Great Board of S.C.I.E.N.T.I.S.T., composed of the most brilliant scientific minds in all dimensions, and fictional braniacs everywhere want in...but none more so than the ancient, doomsday device-collecting head of Planet Express, Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, and the whiskey-burping sociopath known throughout the multiverse as Rick Sanchez. With only 30 days to prove why they deserve the seat, Farnsworth gathers his crew with a hearty "Good news, everyone" and Rick drags a groaning Morty away from another school assignment, and the contest is on! For science! Will Farnsworth's senility win out over Rick's alcoholism? Does the Portal Gun trump the Fing-Longer? Will Dan Harmon's evil time traveling scheme finally be revealed? And has Colin officially mastered the art of character impressions during lengthy scenario set-ups? Featuring special guest host Jason Ahlquist of MarsDust.net and AboutTomorrowFilm.com.
It's an ancient game, a dance that has played out over and over again since time immemorial, a deadly ballet of hunter and hunted, predator and prey...hide and seek! But if the legendary Boba Fett wants to maintain his reputation as the most feared bounty hunter in the galaxy, he has his work cut out for him this time. His targets are two of the most elusive figures in history (literally): international crime lord and A-list alliteration ace Carmen Sandiego, and the wide-eyed red-and-white enigma known as Waldo, or Wally, or any of a dozen other names. Which of these masters of hiding and escape is destined for a life of carbonite wall decoration? Are there any limits to the breadth and depth of the unbelievable bullshit utilized by the advocates in this match? (Spoiler: No. No, there are not.) And in a contest this silly, how terrifying could Kit's Lightning Round possibly be? Special thanks to Kevin MacLeod (www.incompetech.com) for use of his song "Day of Chaos." Those last two sentences are entirely unrelated. Really.
Notch...draw...bullshit! In a desperate effort to keep King Joffrey Baratheon from being bored on his name day, four of the greatest archers in all fiction have been summoned to compete in a great archery contest to determine the ultimate master of the archerial arts (copyright Colin Mulkerin). Can Legolas' elf eyes see the target (perhaps the color of that tower over there is a sign of blood and victory)? Can Hawkeye overcome the ridiculous comic book continuity that made him deaf, and then not deaf, and then deaf again? Can Merida survive our atrocious attempts at Scottish accents? Can Robin Hood somehow explain how the hell that one crazy shot in the Disney movie actually worked (and also how foxes can use bows without thumbs)? The competition is about to begin! Listeners, to your "play" buttons!
The League's adventures in Jurassic Park continue as Mordin Solus, Dante Sparda, Sterling Archer, and Stitch -- along with their new companions, Lara Croft, Roland Deschain, Zero, and a friendly velociraptor -- try to escape this world of reptilian tyrants while thwarting the mysterious goals of their Phyrexian oppressors! Can they overcome Slash Panther scouts, an angry Apatosaurus, and a GODDAMN T-REX on their path to victory? Can Dante and Archer survive their own tendencies toward motorcycles and stunt manuevers? Will Mordin hit on Lara out of sheer spite? And are there any limits to Stitch's strength...or his bizarre creativity?