The quest for the Stone of Grace has led the League from one side of Westeros to another, and has finally led them into the frozen wasteland north of the Wall. There, numerous dangers await, including zombies, White Walkers, and the philosophical conflict between science and magic. OH, HORRORS! Good thing Stitch's snow shark impression is the actual scariest thing in this forest. The Others are gonna need a bigger boat.
Also, Nico takes a page out of a famous Marvel playbook, Dante plans his wedding, Geralt attempts to stab a dead person in a very uncomfortable place (not the back of a Volkswagon) Mordin gets distracted by the random treasure table, and Daenerys Targaryen is more than what she seems.
When you need someone rescued from a high-tech, heavily-guarded compound, you send in James Bond, MI6 Agent 007. But what if the person who needs to be rescued is Bond himself? When England's top secret agent finds himself kept in a martini-induced coma, MI6 has no one they can reliably send in to extract him... so four of Bond's old flings decide to take matters into their own hands.
Can Vesper Lynd (Casino Royale) successfully leverage her intelligence and fashion sense while managing to avoid any underwater elevators? Can Wai Lin (Tomorrow Never Dies) use her martial arts and quick thinking even if she's handcuffed to an unconscious Bond? Can Xenia Onatopp (Goldeneye) use her massive leg strength to squeeze victory from this one? Will Anya Amasova (The Spy Who Loved Me) prove true the old adage, "In Soviet Russia, Bond girl rescue YOU?" And when all is said and done, will Bond even survive the experience?
And for those of you disappointed in the lack of a supernatural element to this week's match, stay tuned for some magic in the Lightning Round! ...although maybe not the type of magic you're expecting.
In Smash Fiction's first team-up match, Shao Khan and the realm of Outworld decide to invade Earth... which isn't all that out of character, except that this particular version of Earth doesn't recognize the rules of Mortal Kombat. Instead, it chooses its champions via the sacred art of STREET FIGHTING! Which is totally different, except for the fighting part. And the tournament structure. And, you know, the fireballs. There are always fireballs.
As these two one-on-one martial arts meritocracies collide, the first battle begins. INTERPOL agent and leg day at the gym enthusiast Chun-Li sets out to discover more information about her world's mysterious attackers, and enlists the aid of Ryu, professional Super Saiyan with the personality of sliced bread. And of course, it isn't long before the street fighters are accosted by two of the deadliest bloodletters and headsplitters to ever conceal horrific facial features behind their facemasks: Mileena, contender to Outworld's throne and five-time winner of its Best Smile Award, and Scorpion, hellfire connoisseur and the ultimate undead family man. With no story mode option in sight, there's only one thing for these four to do: Prepare for the start of Round 1.
Will Chun-Li's bizarrely-named, physics-defying kicks and Ryu's probably-not-coincidental similarities to Liu Kang be enough to overcome the constant teleportation and increasingly improbable fatality moves of Scorpion and Mileena? Will Miles's slight cold prevent him from complaining about video game -- even the ones he actually likes? (Spoiler alert: No. No, it will not.) And what manner of perverse, spontaneous bullshit will manifest when the Lightning Round goes where only one other fighting game franchise has gone before?
By the Perplexing Patronuses of Pottermore! There's evil afoot! Well...not afoot, exactly. More like a-slither. Lord Voldemort, aka He Who Must Not Be Named, the most powerful dark wizard of all time, has returned to life and taken over nearly the entire wizarding world. Albus Dumbledore has vanished, last seen muttering something about a Tome of Eternal Darkness. Snape is running Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic has been completely infiltrated, and Harry Potter, the so-called Chosen One, has vanished without a trace. The bad guys are winning and there's no help in sight...
...no help, that is, until Neville Longbottom reaches desperately into the Sorting Hat and somehow manages to pull out a full-fledged Sorcerer Supreme. Dr. Stephen Strange has arrived in England, and after hearing about the wizards' plight, vows to bring Voldemort down. With his magical abilities and various artifacts of Agamotto, how hard could killing one snake-obsessed psychopath possibly be?
But Strange soon learns that Voldemort will not be easily undone. To defeat him, the good doctor must find the Dark Lord's six Horcruxes and destroy them, all while dodging Death Eaters and navigating a Voldemort-controlled wizard establishment. Can Strange blast and astral-project his way to victory and prove that sometimes love isn't all you need? Or will Voldemort's cursed rings, sinister potions, and spamming of the Killing Curse prove too much for Marvel's mightiest magician?
Also in this episode: The Lightning Round backfires on Judge Liz Logan, and we spend way too much time talking about Halloween costumes and golf.
The end of the League's quest in Westeros is in sight... when they find a capital-W Wall in front of them. Do they deal with the taciturn black-clad Night's Watch and their newly-elected Lord Commander, the suspicious royal guards led by a fiery woman in red, or take their chances with the wildlings and their monstrous pets? All the while, Nico is her own worst enemy; Mordin finally loses patience with his disguise; Dante has a religious awakening (but probably not the one you're expecting), and Stitch decides to go economy size.
It's a beautiful day on the campus of Monsters University...a beautiful day for the Scare Games, that is! As per usual, teams of monsters will compete in five grueling events -- Toxicity Challenge, Avoid the Parent, Don't Scare the Teen, Hide and Sneak, and Simulated Scare -- to see who is truly the most frightening monster in the frat house.
But this year, there's some new blood entering the games. Four new fraternities have been recognized by Dean Hardscrabble, each led by an older, experience student, each determined to prove that they are still the masters of inducing fear. One who lays claim to this title is the Dream Master himself, the leader of Slasha Slayta Die, the face-melted fish knife-fingered Freddy Krueger. Refusing to follow the traditional Greek alphabet format, Nemesis and the Nemenasties bring their rocket launchers, miniguns, and zombie mutations to the field. From Hex Omicron Hex Omicron Hex Omicron come the vassals of the one and only Pumpkin King, Jack Skellington. And Kappa Amenophus arrives chanting the name of their personal god, the ancient mummy known as Imhotep. Which fictional monster will lead their followers to victory in the Scare Games?
Featuring the return of Colin after only one episode (albeit as a guest host, officially), MeganBob's first judgment, Dan's continued mummy advocacy (and other important causes), Liz shouting a single word over and over again, Miles' increasingly rapid hair loss due to frustrating audio problems (not pictured), and more excellent music from Kevin MacLeod, "The Show Must Be Go" (www.incompetech.com). Smashtoberfest has come to an end, but Smash Fiction thunders ever onward.
And nothing could be scarier than that.
One kills to ensure that he is still feared. The other stalks those who dare to speak his name. When the kids in north side Chicago stop talking about the hook-handed, bee-infested urban legend known as the Candyman and start spreading stories about the faceless enigma called the Slender Man, both terrifying ethereal killers appear to silence them forever -- or make their flayed corpses into the ultimate reminder. But to get to the helpless teens, Candyman and Slender Man must first go through each other.
Smashtoberfest continues with the full-time Smash Fiction debut of MeganBob, as we determine which restless apparition can find some way to dispose of his murderous counterpart. Kit and Liz do a lot of static noises and screaming, and Miles finds a way to finally get Dan to say "fuck" on the podcast. Special thanks to Ben Chilton for suggesting this matchup.
Trigger warning: This episode contains brief periods of white people rapping.
Smashtoberfest continues with one of the most unique matches ever: a contest of horror movie survival, starring the most famous sitcom characters of the '90s! Yes, the four unforgettably despicable leads of Seinfeld have gotten out of prison and taken a much-needed vacation, spending the winter in a lonely cabin far from civilization. But Jerry Seinfeld, Elaine Benes, Cosmo Kramer, and George Costanza are not the only life forms that have chosen this particular spot. For one thing, Newman has decided to tag along. For another, something else has decided to tag along inside him.
And so, the Seinfeld cast find themselves alone with the most terrifying product of John Carpenter's imagination, the alien shapeshifter known only as the Thing! Will any of them escape? Can Elaine save her friends with her patented "Get out!" shove? Is Kramer secretly a genius? Would George really lick blood off a given surface, thinking it was ketchup? Will Jerry ever figure out what the deal is with these Things, anyway?
Also, Miles knows more about video games than anyone else, Dan's jokes keep getting stepped on, Liz thinks everyone should be on fire, Kit gets really excited about snowboarding, Kevin MacLeod provides more awesome music in the form of "Scheming Weasel" (www.incompetech.com) and Colin makes an important and bittersweet announcement.
Put on your muscle shirt, break out your best evil laugh, and prepare for an epic Smashtoberfest confrontation between ancient mummies and skeleton demons...as only 1980s cartoon shows can deliver! By popular demand, the Smash Fiction crew takes on yet another of the most hotly-debated questions in all the multiverse: Who would win in a fight between He-Man's iconically-voiced purple-and-blue nemesis, Skeletor, and the bandage-wrapped bane of Third Earth, Mumm-Ra?
The two classically evil fiends square off in the tower of Merklynn (you know, from that Visionaries show -- oh wait, the Mulkerins are the only people who actually remember that was a thing) and are prepared to resort to any and all tactics that will allow them to walk off with the wizard's fabled treasure (not to mention some great rolls on the magic item tables). Will Skeletor's Havoc Staff, endless arsenal of verbose insults, and defunct but still inspirational Facebook page be enough to prove him the true master of the universe? Or will Mumm-Ra call upon the ancient spirits of evil for one final, unbeatable transformation sequence, and do to Skeletor what he did to the Thundercats in that one DC comic book we should all have agreed never to talk about?
Also, Miles lays the smackdown on the Eternian political system, Dan and Colin make a ridiculous amount of D&D references, Liz does the best Skeletor impression, Kit's Lightning Round is as insane as it is predictable, and Brett Van Donsel provides some seriously spooky intro music (with an assist from wwww.incompetech.com).
Having made their way to the near-abandoned castle of Winterfell in search of the Stone of Grace, the League is awakened by a mysterious figure, who reveals himself to be the infamous undead bloodsucker, Dracula. But which one? That's a pretty elaborate beard for a Bram Stoker character. Do they all shoot fireballs?
Anyway, turns out Dracula is a creep and the League has to try and bash his ancient vampire brains out. Can Mordin outwit the forces of evil with nothing but a portal gun and a moral compass? Are Nico's increasingly bizarre spells destined to eventually backfire? How sick, exactly, is Stitch's guitar slide? And is Dante really still naked?
Like, still? Throughout the entire episode?
Fifty episodes of Smash Fiction have come and gone...but we remain unsatistifed! After all, how can we tell which of our fifty winners is truly the best of the best? In celebration of the completion of the first season of Smash Fiction, it is our pleasure to unveil the first-ever Smash Bash Championship!
In this very special episode, each host will draft a team of four former Smash Fiction victors. These characters will compete in the Lighting Gauntlet, five successive Lightning Rounds whose winners will qualify for one final no-holds-barred fight to determine the first Smash Fiction champion! Who will win? Who will fall? And who will come up with the most nonsensical Lightning Round of them all?
Colin's underwater robot volcano fortress has inexplicably failed to transform into the talking submarine that traditionally transports him to the surface for recording...but that won't stop the Smash Fiction crew from answering another of the most important questions: Which half-man, half-machine do-gooder police proxy is the best at stopping a fiendish robot-themed crime lord from carrying out his fiendish robot-themed plans?
In this case, Dr. Wily is up to his wily tricks again, and Mega-Man is unavailable, so three other cybernetic heroes step forward. Will Cyborg's unbeatable combination of bullshit DC Comics technology allow him to boom tube and "Booyah!" his way to victory? Can RoboCop overcome his restrictive directives and take advantage of his lack of wireless ports? And does Inspector Gadget actually try to win on his own before giving up and throwing Penny at the problem?
Thanks to Sam Ruiz for suggesting this match and throwing us into possibly our dirtiest fight yet, as well as the dirtiest (in another way, but totally unintentionally, maybe) Lighting Round since...well, since the last time Liz Logan was the judge, probably.
When a bomb threat goes unheeded during a swag police fundraiser, it's a good thing to have a superhero on hand. After all, comic book police officers can't protect themselves from much of anything; hell, the chief himself usually doesn't even know about his daughter being a vigilante, and couldn't do anything about it if he did. Unfortunately, you can have too much of a good thing, and while one superhero is great in a crisis (non-infinite variety, thank you very much) two can be a real problem. Especially when they do what superheroes always do: start fighting each other instead of the bad guys because...well, it was all a big misunderstanding.
In this case, the Bat-family's resident detective/martial-artist/super-genius, Barbara Gordon, and the web-slinging, music-loving, slang-tossing protector of Earth-65 New York, Gwen Stacy, mistake each other for the potential bomber and immediately start to go at it (no, not that way, shippers, sorry). Will Batgirl use her equipment, experience and extreme edginess to defeat her opponent, or will Spider-Gwen's strength, questionable karate chops, and intensely bright color palette prevail?
Featuring a ridiculously unfair initiative contest, an extensive explanation of kung fu, and the truly unique reveal of who actually called in the bomb threat, and why (hint: It involves lightning.)
Fresh from their box office-breaking performance in King's Landing, the League travels north to Winterfell in search of the ever-elusive Stone of Grace. But the road to adventure is never easy, and our heroes will have to contend with harsh weather, unusually aggressive wildlife, and a mysterious new foe with dark designs on the League. Come for the action, stay for the unusual degree of romantic and sexual tension between two very unexpected characters!
Ia! Ia! Colossus fhtagn! Having destroyed fifteen of the sixteen colossi required to bring his maybe-not-actually-but-let's-face-it-probably girlfriend Mono back to life, the boy called Wander returns to the temple of the ancient god, Dormin, to find an unexpected seventeenth idol waiting for him. After politely inquiring as to what the actual fuck, he is told that there is one additional colossus that, while not part of the original bargain, is really going to cause problems now that it has woken up.
That's an understatement, seeing as this new colossus is, in fact, Cthulhu, the squamous, tentacled high priest of the Great Old Ones. Bad luck that his alarm (currently set to the screams of the damned, with the whoops of sadistic hedonism scheduled to play ten minutes after he hits the snooze button) happened to go off now, of all times, but if Wander wants a resurrected Mono to awaken to a world that hasn't been consumed in a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom, he has to travel to the formerly sunken city of R'lyeh and slay the most terrifying half-glimpsed Lovecraftian nightmare of them all. Can the enigimatic giant-slayer use his magic sword, his mastery of shaky conditions, and his beleaguered but faithful horse, to conquer the giant that launched a thousand plushees? Or are the stars right for Wander to fall, frothing at the mouth and gibbering incoherently, beneath the non-Euclidean shadow of Cthulhu?
Also featuring a Lousiana swamp cultist accent, an uncomfortable amount of alien body shaming, the return of the ever-popular chess vs. poker question, and a board game that nobody but Miles remembers how to play.
Two of fiction's most brutally metal and/or totally righteous musical groups are on course for audio animosity...but this is no ordinary battle of the bands. The winners of this guitar squealing showdown will determine the course of human history, as their music leads the planet Earth to its salvation, or its downfall. That most excellent duo of Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan, along with their Wyld Stallyn bandmates (princesses, robots, Martians, and Death) seek to usher the human race into a day-glo surfer-speaking utopia. But Nathan Explosion, William Murderface, Toki Wartooth, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, and Pickles, the force of ultimate destruction collectively known as Dethklok, are exercising their dark influence to bring humanity to its knees in the wake of the Metalocalypse! Which band will, quite literally, rule the world? What bizarre time travel-related argument have Sup Nerds guest hosts Spike and Taulbee concocted (allegedly with the aid of cocaine)? Can Miles successfully alienate the entire state of Florida? And isn't anybody going to do the Toki voice?
Due to a bizarre series of events involving Buddhist Sith Lords, Spanish Jedi, and Darth Vader's growing ennui (because Smash Fiction continuity is awesome) the First Order's new superweapon project -- a matching pair of new, improved, and fully-furnished Death Stars -- has been taken over by two certified crazy artificial intelligence programs. The first, all the way from the future year of 2001 (a space odyssey can turn into a time odyssey at any second/set of of coordinates) is the murderous red-eyed master of chess, art appreciation, and being afraid he can't do that, HAL 9000! The second, having ironically been pulled through a portal, is GLaDOS, the most psychologically sadistic killing machine ever to lie to your face about cake. Now they each have a Death Star (ho ho ho), and have set their sights on slaughtering the deliciously helpless stormtroopers inside.
Which A.I. can kill their Death Star's crew first in a human-murdering race that would be totally messed up if the victims weren't glorified space Nazis? How long can Miles' opening intro possibly be? (Hint: Colin is now determined to top it.) How do you pronounce GLaDOS, anyway? Why does Dan hate chess, and by extension, America? And how many Smash Fiction hosts are actually replicants?
Featuring the return of guest host Rafael Medina, who is absolutely a real human, no matter what the director's cut might imply. Yep. Totally, 100% hum-droid. I mean, human. That's what I said.
Come one, come all! In honor of the name day of King Joffrey I Baratheon, the hastily-named Troupe of the Wandering Storm is pleased to present a musical production of that most ancient and legendary tale, The Tragedy of Cecily and Andre! Script by Mordin Solus! Costuming by Nico Minoru! Flubbed dialogue by Dante Sparda! And featuring a once-in-a-lifetime performance by Stitch, aka the Amazing Lute Dog!
Passion! Betrayal! Emotion! Definitely not a smokescreen for a covert attempt to break into the Tower of the Hand for information about the Stone of Grace! One night only! Don't miss it!
Disclaimer: The Troupe of the Wandering Storm is not responsible for any damage, physical or psychological, that may be inflicted by daring escapes, random portals, face-melting guitar solos, or the unexpected appearance of pegasi.
(NOTE: The first few minutes of this episode contain spoilers for the outcomes of the previous 45 Smash Fiction matches. The spoiler-free part of the show begins at 9:08.) Happy one-year anniversary! We've had a lot of laughs, a lot of love, and even more bullshit and D&D references. We start the episode with a discussion of the bizarre Smash Fic continuity that has arisen--entirely unintentionally--and then we answer the questions that you, our fans, submitted! We discuss our favorite tabletop and video games, we talk about how matches are selected and decided, and we argue about whether Mexican food could defeat bacon in a fight. Thanks for an amazing first year!
In space, no one can hear you say "I'll be back." The final episode of our first year brings Smash Fiction full circle, right back to robot apocalypse scenarios and arguments about the creative capacity of cyborgs sent back through time. Only this week, instead of the Terminator, it's mother-of-humanity's-savior and armed-to-the-teeth bad-ass Sarah Connor blasting into action, on a mission to hunt down Sil, the sexy alien antagonist of sci-fi's most impressively cast B-movie, Species. However, Sarah isn't the only Sil-catcher in town. Consummate xenomorph survivor Ellen Ripley is also on the chase, bringing along a shotgun/flamethrower and her horrific (but instructive) experience with overprotective alien mothers spamming tongue fatalities. Which tank top-wearing, death-defying ass-kicker can deliver Sil's blonde/brunette/reptilian head to their client? Will Space Judge Liz be able to resist the temptation to do something awful with tentacles in the Lightning Round? And does Miles really think Species is a better movie than Terminator 2?
Programming note: Smash Fiction's one-year anniversary bonus episode will be released Monday, August 1st. The latest episode of Extraordinary League will be released Sunday, August 7th (you really don't want to miss this one), and your next regularly-scheduled Smash Fiction match will be released Sunday, August 14th.
Poor Kenneth Parcell. Ever since he took over as president of NBC, he's had to bend over backwards in order to keep the network afloat. It's not enough that he's had to rent out office space on the top floor of 30 Rock to both a real estate company as well as a quasi-legal cadre of secret agents, but now he finds himself pulling double duty as an executive assistant to the respective heads of those two companies, Lucille Bluth and Malory Archer! Both of these women have decided that THEY will be the one to break the perpetually cheerful Kenneth, but will it be Lucille who ultimately arrests his development, or will Malory put out a burn notice... on Kenneth's self-esteem? Anton Balane from Project Fandom and the Unspoiled! series of podcasts joins this gin-soaked tribute to the extraordinary Jessica Walter.
Let the first annual Smash Fiction Hunger Games commence! First, from the land of Westeros (where the high lords play their game of thrones), making up for the fact that she's probably too young for this contest by being a psychopathic murderer, Arya "No One" Stark! Next, from Oxford (or one of the Oxfords, at least, given the whole "Almighty Maker ordaining his dark materials to create more worlds" thing), armed with a golden compass and a sassy soul-sidekick, Lyra "Silvertongue" Belacqua! Transporting in from the 24th century (the next generation having been greatly enhanced by numerous treks through the stars, if you will), you either love to hate him or you just hate him, it's "Shut Up" Wesley Crusher! And finally, from California (or something), Her Immortal Majesty, Hannah "Totally Not Miley Stewart" Montana! Yes, you read that right. Dan and Miles use the same opening strategy, Colin makes judicious use of aluminum cans, and Liz Logan is advocating for Hannah Montana, in the Hunger Games. What else do you need to know? This episode is batshit insane and might just knock the entire podcast spinning right off the rails. Enjoy.
This Sunday, it's a Wasteful Billionaires Network spectacular! Two children, hoping to become the rich and famous stars of a new precocious kid/adorable pet TV program...but only one contract! Their two pets, one a bizarre blue alien experiment named Stitch (presumably dressed like Elvis), the other a bonafide dragon named Toothless (presumably trained by Vikings)! One network backlot filled with things for them to (non-lethally) hit one another with! Two coaches, Lilo and Hiccup, on the sidelines! Four advocates, including Kris and Katrina of the Gameable Podcast, making their return to Smash Fiction! One judge, getting steadily more drunk due to a barrage of RPG references! Plasma breath weapons, sneak attack hamsters, botanical #DanLists, reptile anatomy! The Battle of the Friendship Monsters! This Sunday, only on the Wasteful Billionaires Network!
As the League prepares to embark on its next mission, Stitch builds a nest and finds a guitar, Dante hits on a woman who is also a man, Mordin receives a very exciting gift, and Archer remembers the face of his father (which is weird, but whatever, it's a symbolic thing). Then, the team heads out once again, this time accompanied by the goth teen runaway sorceress Nico Minoru, and arrives in a strange medieval world in which the king is crazy, the keep is red, and your favorite characters are probably going to die! And you'll never guess the crazy-ass plan our heroes concoct to try and gain entrance to the royal court of King's Landing...
Even Mal Reynolds, captain of the Firefly-class transport ship Serenity and unrepentant atheist, and Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and longtime Force-skeptic, would have to admit that this match was destined to happen eventually. Via a series of events that can most accurately be described as "wormholes for days," the two notorious smugglers-with-hearts-of-gold find themselves trapped in a strange galaxy that can be most accurately described as "far," and "possessing the qualities of a scape." Only one roguishly good-looking sci-fi sex icon can find the wormhole generator and escape, so Mal and Han are thrust into a space race that involves not just sailing through the black and/or navigating asteroid fields, but negotiating the criminal underworld and shooting anyone who gets in the way. Much like the characters they're representing, our advocates talk fast and bullshit faster, squeezing in as many lies per second as possible while desperately attempting to avoid the consequences of their actions in a contest that can be most accurately described as "fucking ridiculous." Between Colin's lecture on pitch, yaw, and roll, Miles' canon-maligning opening song, Kit's betrayal of R2-D2, Dan's obsession with Steve Miller, and returning special guest Brad Bultman's treatise on the concept of coolness...well, seems we got here just in the nick of time. What's that make us? Big damn nerds, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about the mess.