...IN this week's episode...it's so simple! Well, the setup is simple enough. A terrorist, a modeling reality show, a disaster in the making, and only two people who can save the day and look great doing it. In this combined test of beauty and secret agent skills, there's no doubt that the legendary Derek Zoolander, three-time winner of the Best Male Model award and innovator of captivating looks like Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre, and of course, Magnum, has the advantage in terms of being really ridiculously good-looking. But even with the help of his partner, Matilda, can the would-be assassin of the Malaysian prime minister match up with the proven investigative abilities of Miss Congeniality herself, FBI agent and all-around asskicker Gracie Hart? And even with the assistance of renowned pageant coach Victor Melling, can Gracie survive the world of appearance-based reality television long enough to get the job done?
Please be advised, this particular installment of Smash Fiction is even more ridiculous than usual. Also, LIZ LOGAN RETURNS!!! (Those two things are only partially related.)
Colin is judging all the way from space this week (presumably because his bosses didn't like him) and his voice transmission got degraded a little from its trip through the wormhole, but all that does is make this sci-fi space bug throwdown sound even more like the horrific, world-ending event that it is. At least, that's what it is for Barsoom, aka Mars, when three hostile hordes of aliens descend upon that poor, doomed planet. Now the only question is, which of the three races will triumph over the others and claim everything there is to claim?
Will it be the xenomorphs, with their facehuggers and their acid blood and their surprisingly metal guitar skills? Or perhaps the tyranids, arrived from the grim darkness of the far future where there is only war (and, we assume, Smash Fiction)? Or will the Zerg Swarm, in all its creepy, mutating glory, prove victorious via the use of starcraft and...spellcasting?
Y'all know what to expect at this point. Kit makes frighteningly realistic animal sounds, Miles goes off on bizarre and pointless tangents, and Dan...well, Dan lists, ladies and gentlemen. Dan lists.
In the first of many matches conceived by one of our supporters on Patreon, Smash Fiction dives into the smoke-filled, neon-lit world of cybernoir! A Cylon has crash-landed in the futuristic city of San Fransokyo, and though it looks human, it seeks only to murder, destroy, and fuck with people's heads using big, scary words. Two detectives specializing in this manner of target, retired blade runner Rick Deckard and Section 9's Major Motoko Kusanagi -- or at least her "ghost", housed in a sort of "shell" -- are called in to track the Cylon down and show it what grim dystopian justice looks like. But of course, the two can't get along and demand to work individually, making it an investigative race to both track their quarry and take it down.
Will Deckard use his old-fashioned clue-seeking skills, weird eyeball tests, and questionable proficiency with steel piping to make Kusanagi want to throw herself in front of a tank? Or will the Major's computer brain, superhuman fighting skills, and deep questions about the nature of reality ensure that Deckard's chances of victory are lost like tears in rain?
Also, Kit asks the tough questions, Dan drops some inhumanity bombs on his unsuspecting co-hosts, Colin pulls out a Wayne Gretsky quote, Miles apparently thinks Blade Runner and Game of Thrones exist in the same universe, and MeganBob invents a butt-related alternative to the Turing test. As for how the episode ends...well, it's left deliberately ambiguous. OR IS IT?
Support Smash Fiction by becoming a Patron at www.patreon.com/smashfictionpodcast
The Lightning Round has broken free of its usual constraints and found its way over to Extraordinary League! Because apparently we now can't have a plot arc without a musical episode, Team Ohana is in a vicious battle of the bands against rival Team Adventquisitions Zonecorporated! Can the League pull out a musical win against these experienced adventurers? What dastardly tricks do Team Soul Edge have up their sleeve? And what world-shaking mysteries will be uncovered beneath Balboa Memorial Arena?
Also, Stitch dresses to the nines, Mordin gets into a battle of monologues, Dante's star power goes to his head, Miles tries out a new voice, Luna is reunited with an old friend, and Dan tests the waters for his new show, "Dan Mulkerin Explains the Plot of Meatloaf Songs."
Listen to the end for an excerpt from our bonus League episode, now available for our patrons at patreon.com/smashfictionpodcast!
Additional songs in this episode are "Feelin Good" and "Summon the Rawk" by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com). Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
It wouldn't be Smash Fiction if our 2nd Anniversary Special wasn't released the day after our anniversary, so here it is! Clearly we're not getting any better, but our listeners inexplicably don't seem to care, and have positively flooded our inbox with questions for us to answer as we celebrate two years of mostly solid, but occasionally loose and watery, bullshit.
Join Liz, Dan, Kit, MeganBob, Miles, and Colin (all together on the same episode!) as they discuss their favorite Magic: The Gathering colors, which sit-com characters would make the best superhero team, where each of them stands on religion, and many other subjects both silly and serious. And thank you so much for helping us get where we are today, even if none of us are entirely sure where that is. We couldn't do it without you.
In this educational, no-nonsense episode (featuring very little education and a great deal of nonsense), two of fiction's sharpest-tongued and most magically bad-ass witches settle a long-standing grudge when a young man suddenly manifests more arcane power than anyone should be expected to control. With the boy in desperate need of training, a dark choice between freeform, experimental teaching methods and structured institutional learning lies before him, and Granny Weatherwax, the most feared practitioner of headology on the Discworld, and Minerva McGonagall, Hogwarts' resident Transfiguration instructor and Quidditch enthusiast, are engaged in a battle for his very soul! Or at least the right to make cuttingly sarcastic comments about his attendance record.
Which witch will prevail in this duel not only of magical might, but of proving oneself a nurturing and effective instructor? RoShawn DiLodovico of the UNspoiled! Podcast joins Smash Fiction to help us find out, along with the likewise debuting Marissa Bond, who arrives to take on the entire goddamn patriarchy! Also, MeganBob has words for Albus Dumbledore (and none of them are "oddment" or "tweak"), Miles' years of childcare experience manifest in the theory that kids like 'splosions, and Kit starts collecting the weirdest baseball cards ever.
If you're a Smash Fiction Patron, you're about to get access to a brand-new bonus episode of Extraordinary League! You also got to vote on who plays which characters, which means, among other things, that Miles will be playing the Swedish Murder Machine himself, Brock Samson!
Upon receiving the first draft of his character sheet, Miles gave GM Dan a call over Skype to discuss the intricacies of Brock's character, including whether or not surviving the vacuum of space entitles one to a higher Endurance score and the specific mechanics of berserker rage. And because they are good podcasters, of course, they recorded everything!
For the full experience of Miles actually playing Brock, along with all kinds of other wackiness, go to www.patreon.com/smashfictionpodcast!
After a tense electoral race, the Patron votes are in, and the Mother of Dragons herself, Daenerys Targaryen, is returning at long last to Smash Fiction, and also returing at even longer last...to Westeros!
Well, that's what she figures, anyway. A major geographical miscommunication has led Dany and her sole remaining companion, Drogon, to a strange village called Irontown that sits beside a dark and mysterious forest. Considering the presence of huge local wolves and trees that are worshiped as gods, the Dragon Queen's mistake is an honest one, but as a result, she and Drogon now find themselves embroiled in heated battle against the god-wolf Moro and her adopted daughter, San, known in Irontown as Princess Mononoke. This Targaryen invader has brought fire and blood to their forest, and they will defend it to the death. Will Daenerys' conquest herald a new chapter in the song of ice and fire, or will San teach her the dangers of entering places marked "here there be monsters?"
Also, MeganBob brings a metaphor about teenage dragons to glorious life, Miles has obviously been reading too many technology thinkpieces, Dan and Colin don't believe you or anyone else can prevent forest fires, and Kit activates Weeaboo Mode.
Smash Fiction returns to its favorite large and unspecified setting -- SPAAAAAAACE -- for a match between artificial intelligences and their mutually amazing ability to hack computers, fly spacecraft, and keep a team of sci-fi commandos alive long enough to complete a vital mission.
When the expansive forces of Earth and Mars both seek control of a nearby moon, each side sends only the best in actually-people sentient technology. One group of would-be moon-conquerors is led by Cortana, destroyer of Halo rings, multiple-time savior of the galaxy, sexy blue hologram lady. The other is commanded by the Enhanced Defense Intelligence of the Normandy SR-2, aka EDI, defeater of Reapers, throaty-voiced proclaimer of whether something is or isn't a joke. Will Cortana ultimately be the AI with the most mass(ive) effect, or will EDI show her rival that the Covenant was child's play by comparison?
Featuring lots of awesome space words (space), a Lightning Round that has been a long time coming, and a blooper reel that truly lives up to its name!
Everyone knows cats and dogs don't play well together, and when the cats and dogs in question also happen to be deities, things can get pretty hairy. Responding to the desperate prayers of the demon-cursed town of Tristram, Amaterasu, Nippon's favorite wolf-shaped, celestial brush-painting sun goddess, and Aslan, the Lion (and occasional lamb) of Narnia, have arrived to lead their newfound flock out of the darkness and into a new golden age! But only one of them can be Tristram's new, extremely fluffy savior. Which god-animal will inspire the most faith, convert the most new followers, and, y'know, kill Diablo?
Featuring a hackles-raising argument about prophecy and magic ink supplies between Kit and Dan, a duel of the Narnia nerds between Miles and MeganBob, and Colin undergoing a fully-realized existential crisis.
Disclaimer: The opinions stated in this episode do not reflect our opinions on either Christianity or Shinto. No religious offense whatsoever is intended.
Additional thanks to Kevin MacLeod this week for the use of his song "Waltz of the Carnies."
The path to victory never runs smooth. In the case of the Extraordinary League, it means that the two groups they've most screwed over since their arrival in Nexus City have simultaneously arrived to pay them back for their misdeeds. Who could have possibly foreseen these entirely logical consequences?! Can the League defeat two groups of foes at once? Can they protect the innocent bystanders of Hannah Montana and Cambot? And what dark secrets of Nexus City will be revealed over the course of their investigation?
Tune in as Archer kills with his heart, Dante explores some wardrobe alternatives, Luna does some digging, Stitch tries a new type of cuisine, and Mordin holds nothing but contempt for you puny Earth people!
Things just keep getting worse for the Hamburglar. First his ex-employer placed a huge bounty on his head, then he had to find a way to improbably escape two of fiction's greatest manhunters-for-hire, and now that he somehow managed to pull that off, his life is in danger once again. All he did was steal the wrong cheeseburger -- John Wick's cheeseburger, to be precise. And during his escape from the authorities, he also managed to smash a potted plant that happened to be the best friend of Léon, the Professional. So now the Hamburglar has graduated from loudmouth mercs in various states of undress to cold-blooded hit men whose targets simply do not escape. The Hamburglar can hole up in as many secure safehouses protected by as many goons as he wants. There will still only be one question: Which master assassin will get to him first, leaving the other to experience the cold, empty sensation of revenge blue-balls?
Miles returns from his hiatus of happiness to explain all the things he didn't like about John Wick 2, Colin enlightens us about coincidentally-named game designers and the undeniable Frenchness of Jean Reno, Kit and MeganBob debate the viability of pencils as impromptu murder devices, and Dan shows the advocates what happens when their bosses don't like them...
Arthur "Aquaman" Curry and Namor "the Sub-Mariner" McKenzie may be the kings of their own respective Atlantises, but when a mysterious "BLOOP" draws the two maritime monarchs into a universe where Atlantis is ruled by neither of them... well, they have to take their frustrations out on someone, and it might as well be each other.
Will Aquaman's telepathy, divinely-gifted trident, and ability to throw submarines be enough to overcome Namor's tiny ankle wings, godlike widow's peak, and ability to throw tanks? Does Namor have a secret weapon hidden away in his green Speedo, or is Aquaman protected by too many layers of his own oft-retconned backstory? And just what made that mysterious "BLOOP" sound, anyway?
Joining us in this undersea duel to the death is frequent guest host Brad Bultman and first-time guest host (and host of the superb Titan Up the Defense podcast) Hub!
Billy and Jimmy Lee, the boys from Double Dragon, have finally hit their breaking point. Both desirous of the amorous attentions of the beautiful Marian (and both completely oblivious to her disinterest), the two have decided to settle this once and for all with a martial arts showdown!
But the boys aren't total idiots, and realize that they need to up their respective game before they throw down. Thus, Billy Lee seeks out Master Splinter, the rat-man mentor of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, while Jimmy Lee travels to Ba Sing Se to seek guidance from Iroh, who instructed his nephew Zuko in his struggles against Avatar Aang. Which aged martial arts master is better suited to guiding these young, punchy idiots to victory?
Joining us this week is frequent guest host Colin Mulkerin, as well as Lucas Brown, host of The Math of You podcast!
The gang's not all here this month, so we decided to do a side/prequel adventure featuring another cell of the Extraordinary League. Want to see a crossover between Overwatch, Planetary, Steven Universe, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and Saint's Row? Well, look no further!
The League has gotten wind of a powerful object in Nexus City. The good news is, this object can tell the future, potentially giving the League a potent early warning system against Phyrexia's movements. The bad news is, the object is currently in possession of the powerful criminal organization called Morningstar, and it's going up for auction at a ritzy gala event this very night! Did someone say... heist?
Both North Shore High and American Eagle High have sadly been closed, and their respective student bodies have been combined into one at the brand-new Sebastian Valmont High School. However, high school students are nothing without a strict social hierarchy, and two groups of students immediately begin vying for the top position: the Plastics (Mean Girls) and the Christian Jewels (Saved!).
Which clique can maneuver one of their own into the coveted position of Prom Queen by the end of the year? Will the Jewels' evangelizing, gospel singing, and occasional acts of vandalism and Bible-throwing be enough, or will the Plastics finally make their own supremacy happen (unlike fetch, which will never happen)?
Joining us this week is Scott Brown from Color Circuit!
Thanks to the votes of our wonderful backers on Patreon, we bring you this four-way battle of sorcerous Disney villains!
The kingdom of King Stefan has suffered many hardships recently. The crown princess Aurora was cursed by the wicked fairy Maleficent. The entire kingdom was put to sleep and the castle surrounded by thick, deadly briars. No one seems to be able to remember what the actual name of the kingdom is. But things are turning around! Maleficent is dead, the curses are broken, and... well, no one still remembers the name of the kingdom. But two out of three ain't bad! And anyway, Aurora and Philip are getting married, Stefan and his wife Leah are finally taking a vacation... what could go wrong? Surely no curse that draws the wrath of four of the vilest villains that Atlantica, Agrabah, Greece, and New Orleans could muster, right?
Can Jafar convince the good fairies that he's not actually a snake in the grass? Can Ursula even bring her poor little poopsies on land? Can Facilier somehow weaponize his newspaper-reading skills? Can Colin actually represent a character who could possibly be described as a... being of worship? And why is judge Miles so eager for the Winter Olympics to start?
When you're 11 years old, there's no money like babysitting money, especially when you're babysitting as a favor to the beautiful Patti Mayonnaise. That's how Doug Funnie finds himself at a neighbor's house, watching their hyperactive and verbose six-year-old, Calvin. However, Calvin's parents are barely out the door before Calvin dons the mantle of Spaceman Spiff and starts firing his zorcher at Doug! Fortunately, Doug, no stranger to the ways of make-believe himself, quickly assumes his Quailman persona, and the battle is joined.
In this battle of imaginary characters, will Smash Adams's rocket shoes prove a match for Stupendous Man's giant school-destroying magnifying glass? Is Tracer Bullet's gun faster than Race Canyon's whip? What dark and shocking secrets about Meganbob's childhood will be revealed? And just how long can Kit crack herself up for when she introduces a particularly imaginative Lightning Round?
The Nexus Tournament is in full swing, and the League find themselves up against their first real opponent: a young boy and his six closest magical animal friends! The eyes of the city are upon our heroes: will their abilities and teamwork prove super-effective, or do our heroes not have what it takes to stand up against The Very Best? And how will the League deal with the deadliest enemy of all: the consequences of their actions from a couple episodes ago?
Also, Dante does some remodeling, Mordin discovers a new passion, Luna puts her Care of Magical Creatures training to good use, Stitch tries really hard to get his pilot's license, and Archer's desire for quality Mexican food may have finally gone too far.
Special thanks to Andrew Del Re for this episode's battle music! Check out youtube.com/thedelre for more of his incredible work!
Beautiful boys with beautiful blades battle in beautiful, beautiful ways in this week's contest of deadly swords and unspeakable regrets. When word reaches him of the existence of the demonic weapon known as Tōkijin (possibly via the mysterious yet sarcastic bartender serving drinks nearby) the scar-faced rurouni Himura Kenshin is determined to destroy it. But when he arrives at the mouth of the cave in which the sinister blade rests, he quickly finds that he is not alone. Cloud Strife, fresh off the depressing realization that his fantasy is still somehow not final, is in the mood to break something with all six parts of the Fusion Sword. And Siegfried Schtauffen, a man no stranger to living in his own personal nightmare, is ready to bring the full power of Soul Calibur to bear against evil...at least, until both he and his sword are corrupted by evil, themselves.
Which beautiful sword boy will win the three-way duel (truel?) and earn the right to destroy Tōkijin (and to incorporate it into bluntly symbolic trauma flashbacks at some point in the future)? Will Kit, Liz, and MeganBob survive their collective salivation over this group of characters? And how will they fare when Dan unleashes the most fearsome villain of all in the Lightning Round?
Because you demanded it, two of the most powerful, literally godlike beings in the multiverse collide as the first superhero and the last son of Krypton takes on the legendary Super-Saiyan leader of the Dragon Team! After an unlikely series of events involving a glitch in the Matrix, a random subway encounter, and an argument about polite manners and glasses, Clark Kent opens his shirt to reveal the Superman logo, Goku's hair begins inexplicably changing color, and the Man of Steel and the wielder of the Dragon Balls enter into glorious battle! When the dust settles from the heat vision laser beams and Kamehamehas, which unbelievably overpowered juggernaut loosely inspired by Japanese legend will be the last man standing?
Spike and Taulbee of the S'up Nerds and Death Save podcasts return to perform wonderful impressions and help dish out Smash Fiction's most generous helping of bullshit to date! Also, Dan provides examples of why people hate DC Comics, MeganBob leans into math and mud wrestling, and Liz Logan gives very few fucks, indeed.
We'd advise you to buckle up for this episode, but here in the post-apocalyptic Outback, there's no such thing as seatbelts. Mad Max Rockatansky did battle with the burn victim warlord of leather and codpieces, Lord Humungus, in The Road Warrior, and faced off against the white-haired pimp tyrant with the skull mask smile, Immortan Joe, in Fury Road. However, partially due to the Mad Max franchise's ambiguous timeline, the two cretinous commanders of crazies and cultists have never been able to compete with one another...until now.
Thunder up and rev your engines, because it's time for a good old fashioned death race! There's a source of guzzoline out in the Australian desert. Joe wants it. The Humungus wants it. The question is, who wants it more? With an equal number of chosen henchmen and their preferred styles of weapons and vehicles, will the master of the Citadel and his War Boys ride to victory, shiny and chrome? Or will the Ayatollah of Rock n' Rolla, along with his insane gang of gaylord berserkers, smegma-crazies, and Wez, send their enemies to Valhalla with a crossbow bolt and a three-bladed spear?
Featuring special guest host Diamond Jay -- witness him! Also, Dan gets into a debate about a comic book (surprising no one), Miles knows literally nothing about cars, Liz's quest to alienate the entire nation of Australia continues, and yet another Lightning Round goes completely off the damn rails.
Enjoy the show, and support the Smash Fiction Patreon at www.patreon.com/smashfictionpodcast
At this point, even Miles has to admit that this multiversal space war thing is getting a little out of hand. As the judge, all he had to do was come up with a reason for Zoe Washburne, the bad-ass ex-military first officer of Serenity, to get into a contest with Kara Thrace, aka Starbuck, the best Viper pilot on the Galactica. You know, something that would test their skills at maneuvering through war zones, locating critical objectives, and generally caving in the skulls of anyone who gets in their way. It should have gone smooth.
It never goes smooth.
Now, in a bizarre scenario unfolding on the surface of Arrakis (aka Dune), our heroines (without the advantages of either a Firefly-class transport ship or a Battlestar) must fight their way through a 'splosion-riddled combat theater featuring the Roughnecks, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and the various classes of warrior from Team Fortress 2! Will Zoe use the time-honored techniques of dirt-throwing and throat-slitting to be the first to reach the shiny blue briefcase just full to bursting with intelligence? Or will Starbuck show everyone why she's the frakking harbinger of doom?
Celine Modschiedler and Neal Butler guest star as two ordinary people swept up in a tidal wave of sheer insanity, forced to rise to the challenge of a world that no longer makes any sense by allowing the most awesome versions of themselves to come to the forefront and fight back! In other words, they're both basically Bruce Campbell.
The League may have hacked their way into a qualifying match, but they still have to win it if they want to get into the Nexus Tournament! Will they be able to stand up to a team of animalistic, shape-shifting martial artists? And will they be fully prepared to take on the even more insidious foe of talk show interviews and 24/7 reality TV coverage?
Also, Luna turns someone into a balloon, Stitch goes trick-or-treating, Dante REALLY gets to know a weretiger, Mordin doesn't handle interviews well, and the cap of Archer's pen comes off for, like, no reason.
It's that time of year again when the Smash Fiction Podcast takes about 30 minutes out of its regular programming schedule to go completely and utterly insane (more so than usual, that is). This year for April Fool's Day, we're taking our carefully crafted character/scenario selection process and throwing it out the window, speeding our way through five bizarre, randomly-generated, and in most cases, totally unfair mini-matches! Who will be able to spin the most convincing off-the-wall bullshit in contests featuring the likes of Elsa, Sterling Archer, and Mordor? It's time to roll the dice and find out!